An Open Letter…

by gallagher on Mar 21, 2007 12:15 AM CDT

By Sean Gallagher

To the man-child and his mother who sat in front of me tonight at the game.

Good sir, if you have decided to honor your mother's birthday by bringing her to the Blues game on Tuesday night, I commend you. Not since Homer Simpson presented his wife with a bowling ball engraved "Homer" has a man chosen such a well thought out and self rewarding present.

However, if I may offer a suggestion or two for the next time Mom gets a present of sitting next to her overgrown son in a junior-sized jersey sporting a bowlcut and full-blown "this will hide my double chin" scragglebeard for three hours while he swills both of the his-and-hers beers and spills nacho crumbs belly and yon.

1.Â Either spring for better seats down low or explain to her that in the upper decks she may be seated in front of a rambunctious six-year-old hockey fan who will be yelling almost directly at her head the whole time due to the physics of his height, his angle to the ice surface and the barrier of her slightly doddering head.

Because here's the deal: I will not silence my upper-bowl loving offspring from yelling, "Let's Go Blues!" whenever he pleases. That's the fun of being a hockey fan. It also dovetails nicely with the fun of being six years old.

Oh, and when his hand-made "Go Lee #12" sign brushes your mom's wispy/brittle hair, we will also not apologize. Welcome to a hockey game, madam, sometimes people will inadvertantly touch you. Trust me, he was not trying to rub some of your finely-honed "eau de old lady" onto himself magazine-sample style.

2.Â Explain to Mom when she gets up to leave with eight minutes left in the third, she should do so quickly. She doesn't seem to know thatÂ her patentedÂ look of disappointment and accompanying subtle head shake doesn't work on upper bowl denizens. I don't care if she disapproves. I only care that she's leaving and my kid can continue to scream all he wants.

Do me a favor, grown-up-baby-boy, and let her know that it only works on the children she has browbeaten, shamed and emasculated ever since she ejected them from her ossified and freezing cold birth canal all those years ago.

You know, the same type of kids who surprise Mom with two tickets to a hockey game she has no interest in seeing for her birthday.

Thank you for your time. Oh and one last message for Mom:

"Let's Go BLUES!"

Why do they have to yell?

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“Do me a favor, grown-up-baby-boy, and let her know that it only works on the children she has browbeaten, shamed and emasculated ever since she ejected them from her ossified and freezing cold birth canal all those years ago.”

Wow. I didn’t know upper-deck fans had that large a vocabulary.

by Brad Lee on Mar 21, 2007 8:51 AM CDT reply actions

Before any of you ask, no it was not me and my mom in front of the Gallagher Clan. First off, if my mom wasn’t happy about people around her at a game, she’d fight them all. Then I’d follow up by finishing their beers.

Gallagher, very well put and a great reminder to people about games like this. You will be touched and it will be loud. Kids are there to go crazy and have fun. It’s not like the kid was dropping F Bombs. He should of, but Little GT is a great kid so I’m sure he wasn’t taking it in that direction.

P.S. Kids who bring signs are the best.

by Answer Man on Mar 21, 2007 9:20 AM CDT reply actions

the non fan friendly fan should stay at home. that is why god created home in the first place. one of the incidents mirrors a all game i had attended last season. now the seats are close together (and dont face home plate) and i was in the middle (something i always avoid when i buy my own tickets) anyway, when you are packed in like that, and you talk to your mates and point to the right, you hand will leave your air space and advance into the neubous realm of the common ground. well this lady next to me shot out her arm, vertically in the best imitation of a Jackie Chan forearm block i had ever seen.

by Childhood Trauma on Mar 22, 2007 11:00 AM CDT reply actions

Well, you see, I asked mom what she wanted for her birthday and suggested a few things. I said “hockey puck,” but her hearing aid is on the fritz, so she thought I said there’d be “hokey-pokey,” which she loves to play. She and I play all kinds of games together, Hearts and Gin Rummy and Twister and Magic: The Gathering. We quit playing Dungeons and Dragons. She’s a bitch of a dungeon master. Anyway, she really enjoyed the game, but that hearing aid was acting up again and she thought your son was calling her a raging cunt. I don’t know how she got that out of “Let’s Go Blues!” but she did. Maybe it’s because that’s what dad called her all those years before her put a .22 to his head.

by Pagan on Mar 24, 2007 10:05 AM CDT reply actions