And You Think The Blue Rat Is Bad…

by gallagher on Oct 2, 2008 4:57 PM CDT

By Sean Gallagher

Holy shit, it looked JUST like this! Back in my grade school days, I hated my bike. A junker Huffy that was bright yellow and made a buzzing noize when it going fast, the thing was a goddamn disgrace. Taking it off our homemade jumps was like jumping an iron sled with concrete block saddlebags and square wheels. I hated that piece of shit.

Until my neighbor two doors down got his birthday bike and is was a pale yellow stingray with a glittery banana seat and chopper-style handlebars. Sure, it'd been the shit if he was a pre-pubescent drug dealer in the hood; alas he was no such thing. Hell, I think that piecer even had tassles hanging out of the handlegrips.

Instantly, my bike was 40% more acceptable. It still sucked and I still hated that thing, but at least it wasn't as bad as that kid's.

Ever see a PR Department have an abortion before? I had much the same feeling today when I was forwarded a story about the Phoenix Coyotes' new mascot. That's right, the PHOENIX COYOTES are being represented by "Pierre The Fanatic Hockey Snowman."

I couldn't have come up with something worse if I'd tried.

Can you imagine the brainstorming meeeting that led to this montrosity?

"Phoenix. Desert. Hmm."

"Coyotes. Animal. Hmmm."

"I've got it! What's the opposite of everything we are about as a franchise? How about a French-Canadian born inanimate object? We can even put in something about how much he likes hockey right in the name!"

And the slow clap commences.

To which we wonder, Just how much peyote is too much?

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Comments

Tocchet & Jones-Gretzky are betting Pierre is a dismal failure.

by Milo on Oct 2, 2008 5:40 PM CDT reply actions

Pierre’s i-tunes playlist:

Rump Shaker (Radio Mix) == Wreckx-N-Effect
Werewolves of London == Warren Zevon
Can I Kick It? == A Tribe Called Quest
Start the Commotion == The Wiseguys
Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow == Jessica Simpson
Piece of Me == Britney Spears
No One == Alicia Keys
Good Life == Kanye West
Thank You, I Have No Legs == The Nags Head
Where’s My Legs? == SNFU
I Melt With You == Modern English
Frozen == Madonna
Cold Rain and Snow == Grateful Dead
Informer == Snow

With few exceptions, his taste in music sucks, too.

by Milo on Oct 2, 2008 5:49 PM CDT reply actions

why he mising teeth?

by Childhood Trauma on Oct 2, 2008 6:05 PM CDT reply actions

CT,

Perhaps he’s from Florissant?

by Poor College Student on Oct 2, 2008 6:28 PM CDT reply actions

Based on the commericals PHX is running alone, I would take Pierre over Louie in a fucking heartbeat.

by Johnny Hangover on Oct 2, 2008 8:02 PM CDT reply actions

Kid: “Mommy, mommy! Pierre is going outside! He’s going to melt!”
Mother: “No, honey. He won’t melt.”
Kid: “Why not?”
Mother: “He’s a special snow man.”
Kid: “Wait, does that mean he’s retarded?”
Mother: “Yes. Pierre the Fanatic Hockey Snowman is retarded.”

by Brad Lee on Oct 2, 2008 10:07 PM CDT reply actions

Brad, that is so wrong and so hilarious.

by Milo on Oct 2, 2008 11:09 PM CDT reply actions

I just got a list of rejected mascot ideas from the creative meeting:

“Jean Paul, the Puck Bag of Deceit”
“Yves The Jock Strap of Delight”
“Guillaume, The Neck Protector and Public Masturbator”
“Clowny McClowntime- The PK Specialist”

Pierre isn’t looking too bad against this crew.

by answer man on Oct 3, 2008 9:13 AM CDT reply actions

pah we need his marektingf ideas…

have a frosty one.

SHRINKAGE!!!

this is as close to hell as i get

anyone got a snow blower?

by Childhood Trauma on Oct 3, 2008 9:19 AM CDT reply actions

Pierre is to hockey mascots what Cam Janssen is to hockey players.

by The Fantasy Files on Oct 3, 2008 12:44 PM CDT reply actions

Brad – you kick ass.

But you failed to mention Detroit’s new mascot — Gordie, the anally raped, wheelchair-bound octoplegic octopus.

by Pagan on Oct 3, 2008 1:30 PM CDT reply actions

I see Pierre has a mullet!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwQBcqy4gso

by brian on Oct 3, 2008 2:51 PM CDT reply actions

Everyone needs to work “octoplegic” into a sentence this weekend.

by Milo on Oct 3, 2008 2:58 PM CDT reply actions

I vote for Pierre!

Would Louie threaten to crosscheck your head off?

by brian on Oct 3, 2008 2:59 PM CDT reply actions

Holy crap!!!!! I already like him better than McCain and Palin

by J Stats on Oct 3, 2008 3:13 PM CDT reply actions

Yes, Pierre is made of win

by Hanley Toxinsson on Oct 4, 2008 6:24 AM CDT reply actions

Pierre kinda looks like David Frost…crappy mullet and all.

by JGB on Oct 5, 2008 6:37 PM CDT reply actions

“Pierre the Fanatic Hockey Snowman” sounds like a character Art Fern would have in one of his “Tea Time Movies” on the Tonight show.

“Pam Dawber, Pam Anderson, Louie Anderson, Louie Armstrong, Charley Pride and Pierre the Fantastic Hockey Snowman in "Be Happy the Milkman Gives to you and Doesn’t take Away.”

by Chris Gift on Oct 5, 2008 7:50 PM CDT reply actions

Maybe Pierre should be the Nashville Sexual Predators mascot. Imagine that face peering out through his window at your kids.

Pierre: “Hey mes amis, do you like popsickles? I got some in my bessment fray-zer. Why don’t you come inside and I can give one to you, eh?”

by Pagan on Oct 6, 2008 4:17 PM CDT reply actions

You have to admit, though, Pierre is friggin’ hilarious. He has the personality of a deranged Frenchman who just had his baguette stolen, and the misguided arrogance of a third string quarterback hitting on the head cheerleader.

He just got some burn in the NY Times, too: http://slapshot.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/10/13/the-morning-skate-hockey-snowmen-hockey-moms-and-the-hockey-market/.

I like his commercial with Wayne Gretzky. His little puppet-buddies crack me up. Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv_gvRHTcZs.