We Be Cavemen!

By Marcus Pettersson

...meanwhile, somewhere in St. Louis, it's the annual Cavemen Anonymous meeting.

Hello. My name Bobby. I be caveman.

All: Hello Bobby!

Please Robert, tell us about yourself.

No! My name Bobby! I be American! I have have American name! But I be caveman too. I be caveman for 37 year.

That be long time...

Bah! 37? That's all? You boy scout! I've been a caveman for 46 long years! And I don't care what any of you losers think, I'm proud to be a caveman. My father was a caveman, my mother was a cavewoman. Their folks were too! It goes on for generations, man!

Now, now! Calm down. Let Robert... I mean Bobby... talk.

I be caveman. I live America 20 year. I still not know language! That all I say. No more words.

Ah, come on now Holik. We're all cavemen here. Right guys? You've got nothing to worry about. That's why we're here, to talk about this stuff.

I no more words.

You mean you don't know anymore English words, don't you?

I no more words I say!

Oooookay... Moving on then. Anyone else have anything to say? What about you, the new guy. Evg... Evganny, is that right?

My name Evgeni. I be caveman.

All: Hello Evgeni!

I be caveman two year. I be... how you say? Stud? I be stud home in Russia. I become caveman day I step off air flying plane in America. Other hockey player in Pijtsburg they say stud. But me ugly. Me caveman.

That sad. But no tuff. Me tuff! Me be giant! Me hit puck very hard! Me big. Me hero in Slovakia. Me caveman warrior. Me push you down. Me push you down hard on ice! Me hurt you!

Okay, okay, Zdeno. We know you're tough.

Hey, I just say. I kill you.

Please Evg... Evganny. Go on.

I say no more. Me sad. Me cry me so ugly. I call home Babushka. Babushka say me beautiful hockey player!

Hahaha! What a sissy!

Yea! Haha! What was that all about?

My turn now?

Sure Alex, go ahead.

[Sigh.] Okay, here we go...

My name Alexander. I be great caveman and hockey player. I make love to American woman long time. My buddy Semin say I score both bed and ice. I laugh him! He so funny! I score goal, I score American woman. Understand? I be great young caveman!

Dude, get over yourself.

What you mean? You too old to party big time? I be greatest caveman forever! I score four goal one game! I score two American woman later same day. I feel great, me strong caveman stud!

I be stronger caveman! I hit you face! I shoot puck hard on pinky toe. I hurt you little pinky.

Alright, Zdeno. Settle down now. Do you have anything else to say Alex?

No. Me greatest caveman hockey player. I sign big contract. I score American woman!

Me no score.

Ha! You be ugly!

Damn straight!

Yea, Bobby! You're even uglier than I am!

I shoot you face!

Okay, okay! I guess that's it for today. Next time somebody else will have to lead the meeting. I just don't have it in me anymore...

Boo-hoo, Ricci. You sissy.

Hey you guys! There you are! I've been looking all over for you. There's a party at the condo! Let's go!

You have beautiful American woman?

No. But the Sedin twins are there!

Good enough.