Translating GM Speak II

by Brad Lee on Jul 18, 2008 9:07 AM CDT Comment 6 comments

The GM Translator 2000 EZ.

By Brad Lee

With the release of the Blues' schedule for the coming season, Blues president John Davidson spoke to Jeremy Rutherford of the Post-Dispatch. Whilst eating our morning curds and whey, we read aloud JD's comments. We had forgotten that the GM Translator 2000 EZ was still plugged in and the thing sprung to life. Here's what Davidson said about the schedule where the Blues will play fewer division games (six compared to eight) and more games against the Eastern Conference:

The fans wanted to see more variety...that's what they wanted and I think there's a lot more balance in that respect.

Hmmm. What's with the elipses? And is he trying to sound intentionally vague? After pecking on a few keys and feeding the machine an arcane paper strip with a series of weird holes in it, here's what the Translator spit out, giving us what JD was really saying:

The fans wanted to see more variety. Frankly, they were sick and fucking tired of seeing the damn Blue Jackets what seemed like a dozen times last year. It was horrible. You think we can turn this franchise around and afford actual good players when we've got a schedule full of Columbus and Nashville games on Tuesday nights in January and February? Indoor soccer is an easier ticket to sell than those games. We're not miracle workers here, so it was about damned time that munchkin of a commissioner finally grew some balls and stood up to Lou Lamoriello to change the schedule. You know how many games the Devils rode a bus to last season?

Wow. We had no idea JD felt so strongly. And as the chumps who put together the underground paper sold outside Blues home games, putting together the paper for that fourth Columbus home game every year was like a water boarding session combined with hooking your balls up to a car battery. Not that we'd know what that feels like. Where were we? Oh yeah, JD had a little more to say to Rutherford.

The fans will get a chance to look at the players they only hear about. I like variety, too...you don't get bored with it.

Oh boy. I hope the GM Translator 2000 EZ is kind this morning. Wonder where this one is headed.

On Nov. 1, our fans will get a chance to see Sidney Crosby again. I'm secure enough in my masculinity to say that not only is he a tremendous, world-class hockey player but he also has one helluva body. I remember his rookie year we were doing a Penguins game at the Garden. Afterward, I waited around in the dressing room while he showered so I could interview him. I like variety too...you don't get bored with it.

Our advice to hockey front offices everywhere: Be careful what you say. The Translator is listening.

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"Davis has a very impressive resume as a head coach, which includes an ECHL Championship," said Davidson. "We are excited about him developing our youth in Peoria and providing leadership for our veteran players."

zip! bzzzzp! ceer-ack!

The hyphonator always told us Daivis would be an Okay Ace head coach, We decided if he was ready to coach in alaska, he is ready to coach in Illinois. We think he can get 3 goals out of Winchester in peoria and perhaps, just perhaps, bond with marek in a way, peviously, only his mother had.

Additionally Andy Wozniewski consumed so much of our remaining budget, that top AHL coaching prospects like Steve Pleau, Mike Kitchen, and Andy Murray were just out of our range.

by Childhood Trauma on Jul 18, 2008 12:48 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

zip? bzzzzp? ceer-ack?

I think you’re using the GM Translator 1979 BASIC model. Time for an upgrade.

by Brad Lee on Jul 18, 2008 2:13 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

pet is a fine company and makes a fine machine. the ONLY thing i’d replace my pet with is an ohio scientific with racing stripes thatmake it process faster!

by Childhood Trauma on Jul 18, 2008 3:05 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

As a public service, here’s what the HAL-9000 GM Translator actually said re: Davis Payne…

“Davis has a very impressive resume as a head coach, which includes an ECHL Championship,” said Davidson. “We are excited about him developing our youth in Peoria and providing leadership for our veteran players.”

Hmm… bzz… whirrr…

“The combined half-bazillion years of real-life hockey experience contained in John Davidson, Larry Pleau, Doug Armstrong and Kevin McDonald has expressed trust in a young coach who has a proven track record of success at a lower level of the development ladder.”

“It’s time to give Davis Payne his chance to show what he can do as a head coach on a higher level; and if the professional and efficient way he ran the Development Camp is any indication, he’s absolutely ready for this challenge.”

“That’s how development works in this game.”

by Brian Weidler on Jul 18, 2008 6:10 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs

well something is wrong with the hal version. i asked it to tell me one reason the old peoria coach was fired,

it replied

"I’m sorry Dave, I’m afraid I can’t do that. "

when asked: why are there 5 people doing Larry Pleau’s job

it responded: “I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.”

After i told it to “be fruitfull and multiple” kinda. it finally said

"Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye. " and shut itself down

so if it doesnt say GM Translator 2000 EZ on the label label label, you won’t like it like it like it on your table table table.

by Childhood Trauma on Jul 18, 2008 9:11 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs