Translating GM Speak

by Brad Lee on Jul 8, 2008 9:30 PM CDT Comment 19 comments

The GM Translator 2000 EZ.

By Brad Lee

In today's rough and tumble world of National Hockey League general managing, sometimes you have to read between the lines when it comes to player movement and disputes with other teams. That's why St. Louis Game Time spent our economic stimulus check on the GM Translator 2000 EZ machine. Now we can figure out what team general managers and presidents mean when they make comments on league news, like when the Blues signed Vancouver Canucks forward Steve Bernier to an offer sheet and the Canucks quickly matched the offer on Tuesday.

In announcing the offer sheet signing ($2.5 million for a one-year contract), Blues team president John Davidson said,

Steve is a good young player who would play a big part in our youth movement.

We plug that short sentence into the GM Translator 2000 EZ machine, and out comes what JD really means.

Fuck you, Vancouver. Did you notice we signed Bernier for the exact same amount you signed Backes? Neither are worth that much next season, but you'll have to pay Bernier that much to keep him. Did I say fuck you, yet?

We love technology! What an invention. Let's see what else Davidson said about the signing.

Our coaches and scouting staff are extremely positive about him.

Sounds harmless. Wonder what the GM Translator 2000 EZ is going to spit out. It's dot matrix so it takes a second to print the readout. It's a long one.

We could not care less about Bernier. We know you're going to match the contract. This is a message to all the Kevin Lowe wannabes out there who know we'll have a fair number of unrestricted free agents in coming seasons. And when we have a guy come up, we're going to send a copy of our press release to every team in the league to send a message not to fuck with our guys. Vancouver, we even made it a one-year deal so we can do this all over again 12 months from now.

All that from one sentence. That's a better invention than the iPod. Let's see what Vancouver had to say about the situation when the Canuckleheads announced they were matching the contract. Here's what Vancouver general manager Mike Gillis said:

Steve is a highly regarded young offensive player in our League. As we have stated with his right-handed shot he will be a great addition to our top six forward group and an asset to our power play.

A light just started blinking on the translator machine thingamabob. It overheard me reading that quote out loud. I think it just emitted an electronic laugh. Here's the printout.

You know, we know, everyone who has seen Steve Bernier knows that 90 points in 177 NHL games is not worth $2.5 million next season at age 23. In fact, this contract could totally throw off our salary scale if this guy sucks it up this coming season. But we need offense and couldn't justify trading a second and a third round pick and only end up with a second round pick to show for it. We may be a dumb organization, but we're not that stupid.

The translator machine is on fire. Literally. There are flames shooting out of it and smoke and warning bells. Maybe this last quote from Gillis was too much for it to handle.

We have a great deal of respect for the St. Louis Blues, John Davidson, Larry Pleau and their management team. The offer sheet to Bernier is a clear indication of how highly Steve is thought of in our League.

Not often do you see one team's GM mention another team's front office by name in a press release. We put the flames out. The GM Translator 2000 EZ was able to spit this out.

We hate the St. Louis Blues, John Davidson, Larry Pleaua and their management team. The offer sheet to Bernier was a low down, no good, snake in the grass move. You have not heard the last of Mike Gillis. I will make you pay!!!!

Well that was enlightening. What have we learned today? Let's review.

Almost any young player with offensive upside can be a millionaire with little more than two full NHL seasons that aren't even all that good.

Unrestricted free agency is like the Wild West. Anything goes.

Mike Gillis and John Davidson will not likely send each other Christmas cards this year.

Did you learn anything else from the GM Translator 2000 EZ? Tell us in the comments.

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Comments

I’m pretty sure I read Larry Pleau misses Matt Walker in there. not sure, my translater doesn’t handle “golden parachutte guy with two people doing his job” language

by Childhood Trauma on Jul 8, 2008 8:34 PM CDT reply actions

Nice little “fuck you” by the Blues there. For the record, I don’t have a dog in this fight, but has anyone else noticed that when the front office makes a good move it’s JD, but when the make a shitty one it’s LP? Odd huh?

by Manbones on Jul 8, 2008 10:04 PM CDT reply actions

I think Louie was more a JD call than a Pleau call.

by Gift on Jul 9, 2008 7:29 AM CDT reply actions

This was a brilliant article B-Rad. Very well done. I am just amazed you got a picture of Phyllis’s computer. She’s very particular about who gets to see it.

by Answer Man on Jul 9, 2008 7:43 AM CDT reply actions

Better sign your good young players to long term contracts, prior to them becoming RFAs. Some GMs will always be looking for a short-cut to get better, when they should be looking to improve through the draft and signing lower priced unrestricted free agents. I see a lot of teams being up against the salary cap, by mortgaging the future by signing long term deals with overpriced players. It’s not easy clearing salary space by getting another team to make a trade to take on your dead weight player making 5 or 6 Mil/YR. Unless they give you a future high draft pick, why would any team want to take on your over-priced bagage. Other option is to buy-out contracts. I just saw Chicago bought out Curtis Brown to clear some cap space. Why does Chicago have two goalies making an average of 6M/YR each? Because who in their right mind would want to pick up Khabibulin’s 6,750,000 Mil/YR contract for next year. Hey Atlanta would probably take him in a trade if Chicago also gave them their next three #1 picks. Chicago probably stuck with buying out Khabibulin’s contract too.

by Big_Man on Jul 9, 2008 1:13 PM CDT reply actions

“I think [an offer sheet] it’s a tool certainly a team is entitled to use. My issue here is this is the second time this year in my opinion Edmonton have offered a grossly inflated salary for a player, and it impacts on all 30 teams and I think it’s an act of desperation by a general manager who is fighting to keep his job.” — Brian Burke, GM, Anaheim Ducks

I ran this little quote through the GM Translator. It printed:

I wan’t a cookie.

by Marcus Pettersson on Jul 9, 2008 1:20 PM CDT reply actions

I was proud are team stuck up for itself and gave a big fuck you to Vancouver. The best part being that Vancouver can’t sign Steve to a little multi-year deal like they would have wanted and furthermore, they can’t extend him till January HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Fuck you Vancouver.

Let this be a lesson to the Blues. Never squabble during the season about shit players like RJ when a talented one needs resigning. Then I realized the Blues are so stacked with young talent infiltrating the organization that they sometimes hope and pray Lowe will over pay for a Backes to the point the Blues will get a lot of picks out of it. Or more than likely they were talking figures when Backes ended up getting married and going on a honeymoon. Both figuring a fair deal would be done when suddenly as Backes is pile driving his new wife his agent calls with the good news.

by chris d. on Jul 9, 2008 1:38 PM CDT reply actions

I hope he didn’t answer the phone at that very moment, Chris D.

by Brad Lee on Jul 9, 2008 1:42 PM CDT reply actions

Who’s to say that it was a fuck you to Vancouver? Is it not possible the Blues had legitimate interest in Bernier? Maybe JD tried to trade for Bernier with Buffalo, maybe even San Jose before that, but it didn’t work out. Now I don’t mean to say that telling vancouver to fuck off isn’t a part of it, but i don’t know that its the main or only reason.

by brutch on Jul 9, 2008 3:35 PM CDT reply actions

While in Buffalo, Steve Bernier was Fudgie the dim-slow-French-Canadien-Whale. Buy one get one free on Tuesday.

by Keller on Jul 9, 2008 4:42 PM CDT reply actions

More than you wanted to pay Backes, for sure, but he still has a bigger upside than Bernier. Thank god Dougie went to the Isles. Shanahan is still out there, better than Rechi and Nolan. Kariya needs to produce more. Walt quietly got 27 goals last year. team is in a good position, if the young guys play and produce, 2nd and 3rd year guys produce, team says " see, we didnt need to do anything, we are fine. If they dont, they can say they are " still developing". Win Win for mngmnt

by Billy on Jul 9, 2008 5:38 PM CDT reply actions

“We could not care less about Bernier. We know you’re going to match the contract. This is a message to all the Kevin Lowe wannabes out there who know we’ll have a fair number of unrestricted free agents in coming seasons. And when we have a guy come up, we’re going to send a copy of our press release to every team in the league to send a message not to fuck with our guys. Vancouver, we even made it a one-year deal so we can do this all over again 12 months from now.”

shouldn’t be “a fair number of restricted free agents”

by Richard Stabone on Jul 9, 2008 6:32 PM CDT reply actions

People are missing an important point of this thread: Brad Lee finds and uses the greatest G-rated images the Internet has to offer!

(I like to guess what terms he Googled to find them — this one was pretty easy: ’teletype’)

by Mr. Particle on Jul 9, 2008 8:20 PM CDT reply actions

Not surprisingly when “FUCK DETROIT” was entered, it spit out “FUCK DETROIT”

by LosBri on Jul 9, 2008 10:58 PM CDT reply actions

Love the picture, I posted it over at Thrashers Talons with a link. I may need to employ the GM Translator a few times this upcoming season.

by Falconer on Jul 9, 2008 11:24 PM CDT reply actions

Hey Falconer, we will definitely let you borrow the machine. It’s a handy-dandy device that’s fun for the whole family.

And if you want to re-register for comments, feel free to link your site from your screen name.

by Brad Lee on Jul 10, 2008 9:11 AM CDT reply actions

OK. I’m going to add you to my “blogs that make me laugh section” ~~-loved the “adultery” post~~-not too often you see that in a hockey blog. The “"Mrs. Janney” comment was priceless.

by Falconer on Jul 10, 2008 10:15 AM CDT reply actions

Welcome Falconer! I don’t like the Thrashers but hey, it is all in good fun.

by Answer Man on Jul 10, 2008 12:41 PM CDT reply actions

The Canucks signed Ryan Johnson and tried to sign Backes, and the Blues “tried to sign” Bernier, and now they evened it up by signing free agent defenseman Mike Weaver

http://blues.nhl.com/team/app/?service=page&page=NewsPage&articleid=368168

by Dooks on Jul 10, 2008 7:19 PM CDT reply actions