Blues One Act Theater: It's Time For A Wake Up Call

by gallagher on Nov 4, 2009 10:30 AM CST Comment 56 comments

A figure enters the Blues locker room....

I am Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, your new senior drill instructor. I am your new mother. I am your new father. I am your whole goddamn world from now on.

If you ladies survive my training, if you go on to play again for the Blues, you will be a weapon. You will be a Minister of Death praying for war with another NHL team. But until that day, you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on earth. You are not even human fucking beings! You are nothing but unorganized grabasstic pieces of amphibian shit!

Because I am hard, you will not like me, but the more you hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard, but I am fair.

There is no bigotry here. I do not look down on Frogs...

Wha?

...idiots...

Huzzah?

...pussies...

(Meep.)

...head cases...

Uh.. what?

...robots...

0010011010001.

...mutes...

that seems fair, I mean sometimes i might be somewhat.....

...or girls with frosted-tip hair.

TJ Oshie That just happened naturally. It's not my fault the ladies love it.

You are all equally worthless in my eyes. My job here is to weed out all non-hackers who do not deserve to wear my beloved Note. Do you maggots understand that? What's your name, scumbag?

Paul. Paul Kariya, sir.

Paul? Paul Kariya? That sounds like royalty. Are you royalty, Paulie?

Royalty? Well, no. But you see, I am pretty good, so I do get treated a little...

Bullshit, Kariya! You look to me like the kind of little softie who deserves his own little chamber and his own little room and his own little man-servant! Kariya, the first time I see you take a hit to make a play this year will be the first time I have ever seen you take a hit to make a play! Be a man, boy!

You had best square your ass away and start making some goddamn plays or I will fuck you up! You're making $6 million a year and you're playing like Gary Suter is still looking to take your head off. It's a man's game! Start playing like you're one of them!

Is this you, John deWaynes? Is dis me?

Who said that? Who the fuck said that? Who's the communistic, twinkle-toes, Red Wing-wannabe pussy who just signed his own death warrant? Was it you?

Was dis who?

Well. No shit. What have we got here? A fucking comedian. Mister Joker. Hell, I like you. You can come over to my house and fuck my sister.

Oh, Really?

No! Not really! Listen here you little scumbag, I got your name, I got your ass! You will not laugh! You will not cry! You will learn by the numbers, I will teach you! You will become a killer! You will have no mercy! You will not take shifts off! You will become a top-line player!

You. What's your excuse?

Excuse for what?

Excuse for walking around here like you're Chuck fucking Norris and putting up miserable totals in the meantime. How tall are you, Invisible Giant?

Sir, six-foot-three, sir.

Six-foot-three? I didn't know they stacked shit that high. It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma's ass and wound up as a brown stain on the mattress! You're big and nasty and you should be the kind of guy out on the ice to fuck a goalie in the ass and not even show the common courtesy to give him a reach-around! Do you understand me?

I... uh... wait, what?

AAAHHHH! Time to be better, son! Time to be way, way better! You are a nightmare! You are a killer! Start being a fucking nightmare!

Listen up, all of you. You had best unfuck yourselves, or I will unscrew your heads and shit down your necks! Why did you sissies want to be hockey players?

To win?

To win.

You wanna win, I gotta see some sort of war face. Let me see your war face!

<a class='sbn-auto-link' href=

aaaaaahhhhhh?

Bullshit! I said, Let me see your war face!

<a class='sbn-auto-link' href=

aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHH?

That's fucking terrible. Work on it.

(departs)

Holy shit, Walts. What the fucks was dis?

Are you kidding me, Frenchie? I'm the one who asked him to come here.

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Comments

Brilliant!

by MedCityBlues on Nov 4, 2009 10:47 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

Now THATs what I'm talking about...

Fucking Brillian Juan..

and on a side note, I sould NEVER look at this site while I am at work.

Mary had a chicken, Tommy had a duck, lets put them on a table to see if they would ... fall off.

by DanGNR on Nov 4, 2009 10:59 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

This is why I read it at lunch.

I don’t want to have to explain to the kids why tea came out my nose because I was laughing at someone being made fun of for being a robot.

Reporter: There`s a "stamp out the Beatles movement" underway in Detroit. What are you going to do about it?

Paul McCartney: We`re going to start a campaign to stamp out Detroit.

by hildymac on Nov 4, 2009 11:34 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Seconded. The first signs of an unstoppable, coffee-spewing laughing fit began at:

0010011010001.

What sucks is the rest of it is so on the mark.

Lighthouse Hockey: Side effects may include Weight gain and frequent game loss.

by Dominik on Nov 4, 2009 11:39 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

kari lehtonen out 6-8 weeks

your thoughts hildy?

Pujols takes out "I" in BIG and "A" in MAC, previously considered to be an unyielding, consonant threat

by DESTROYER on Nov 4, 2009 4:25 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Good riddance.

My first thoughts was “wow, that short?” But he probably won’t be ready to go until after the Olympic break, and then we’ll carry three goalies. Pavelec has been nothing short of outstanding and doesn’t deserve to go back to Chicago. Hedberg’s a great team guy that everyone loves, and he’s the best conditioned and most dedicated player on the team. Kari is worth a bag of pucks and maybe a 7th round draft pick right now. Some team at the deadline might take a chance on him, since he’s got the ability and the talent, but I hope they have fun with injuries, pissiness, and someone who has no concept of what conditioning is.

And if he gets into a party town? Yeeeeeaaahhh.

Reporter: There`s a "stamp out the Beatles movement" underway in Detroit. What are you going to do about it?

Paul McCartney: We`re going to start a campaign to stamp out Detroit.

by hildymac on Nov 4, 2009 5:05 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

But what about my fantasy team?

Will no one think of my fantasy team?

by BlueMonday on Nov 4, 2009 6:04 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

pat pat

I’m sorry you got stuck with that. :( Our league doesn’t have squat for fantasy goalies open, either. I guess that explains why I have Lalime.

Reporter: There`s a "stamp out the Beatles movement" underway in Detroit. What are you going to do about it?

Paul McCartney: We`re going to start a campaign to stamp out Detroit.

by hildymac on Nov 4, 2009 7:01 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

neither

does mine luckily i drafted some scorers this time, loaded up on scoring D too

Pujols takes out "I" in BIG and "A" in MAC, previously considered to be an unyielding, consonant threat

by DESTROYER on Nov 4, 2009 7:06 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

I did that in all my leagues...

… and of course they all promptly suck (Eric Staal, bastard) or get hurt like Malkin, Kovalchuk (I have both of them in one league) and Ovie.

I always have good teams every year and then they just implode. Oh, and Luongo’s hurt, and he’s on 2 of my teams. It’s absurd.

Reporter: There`s a "stamp out the Beatles movement" underway in Detroit. What are you going to do about it?

Paul McCartney: We`re going to start a campaign to stamp out Detroit.

by hildymac on Nov 4, 2009 7:43 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

OK im in two leagues here are my teams

ryan oreilly
kopitar
cammalleri
versteeg
alfredsson
hossa
bieksa
edler
del zotto
hedman
statsny, P
letang
Getzlaf
J, staal
D sedin
Goalies are Kiprusoff and Rinne
My other league
gomez
krejci
wolski
r smyth
iginla
selanne
lidstrom
EJ
hedman
Nash
B richards
andy mac
paul kariya
Goalies Ryan Miller and Carey Price

Pujols takes out "I" in BIG and "A" in MAC, previously considered to be an unyielding, consonant threat

by DESTROYER on Nov 4, 2009 8:09 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

I'm afraid I'd have to dump Price.

Until he gets out of Montreal, they’re going to keep screwing with that kid’s head and he’s never going to perform to potential.

Reporter: There`s a "stamp out the Beatles movement" underway in Detroit. What are you going to do about it?

Paul McCartney: We`re going to start a campaign to stamp out Detroit.

by hildymac on Nov 4, 2009 10:17 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

I thought

he was their Savior?
What a load to put on a kid.

You can't call me a fair weather Blues fan.

by DanGNR on Nov 4, 2009 10:48 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Injuries have been a bear

A full quarter of my original roster is injured. I’ve got Lehtonin (dropped today for Theodore and Halak), plus Malkin, Setoguchi, Shea Weber and the Sedin sister with the broken foot.

by BlueMonday on Nov 5, 2009 3:18 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Geno's listed as back...

… on Yahoo and ESPN, so I have no clue WTF’s up with that.

Reporter: There`s a "stamp out the Beatles movement" underway in Detroit. What are you going to do about it?

Paul McCartney: We`re going to start a campaign to stamp out Detroit.

by hildymac on Nov 5, 2009 9:25 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

I think the Penguins

are dicking around with putting him officially on IR, but everything I’ve read says he’ll be out a week or two more.

by BlueMonday on Nov 5, 2009 10:56 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

You know

there ought to be an official Game Time fantasy league. If there’s not one already.

by BlueMonday on Nov 5, 2009 10:58 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

There is...

at least two.. I think Hildy set one up and I can’t remember who set the other one up… Gift or Lee I believe.

You can't call me a fair weather Blues fan.

by DanGNR on Nov 5, 2009 11:31 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Ahhhh

by BlueMonday on Nov 5, 2009 11:33 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Option one
Option two
and even a reminder

You can't call me a fair weather Blues fan.

by DanGNR on Nov 5, 2009 12:06 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Yeah...

I figured I just missed it while I wasn’t paying attention.

by BlueMonday on Nov 5, 2009 2:23 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

With this site...

Its easy to miss something. It is becoming quite the monster…

You can't call me a fair weather Blues fan.

by DanGNR on Nov 5, 2009 2:36 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

I dropped him today

and was able to pick up Jose Theodore and Jaroslav Halak.
The other G I drew originally is Vesa Toskala… meh.

by BlueMonday on Nov 5, 2009 3:16 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

I TRY

and stay away from all things toronto

Pujols takes out "I" in BIG and "A" in MAC, previously considered to be an unyielding, consonant threat

by DESTROYER on Nov 5, 2009 7:32 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

In that case...

… I’d stay away from all things Finnish, too. Kari, Toskala… two peas in a pod, there. Backstrom’s not doing as well as he usually does this year either since the Wild(s) are flailing about.

Reporter: There`s a "stamp out the Beatles movement" underway in Detroit. What are you going to do about it?

Paul McCartney: We`re going to start a campaign to stamp out Detroit.

by hildymac on Nov 5, 2009 9:26 AM CST up reply actions 0 recs

spot on

was the second war face supposed to have a phot too or am i just being greedy

elf version

A strong anvil fears no hammer

by Childhood Trauma on Nov 4, 2009 11:01 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

some of the photos disappeared for some reason.

I’ll try to fix it when I get a chance.

SWYD

by gallagher on Nov 4, 2009 12:20 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

no problem

was just curious looked like you were THINKIN photo there though :)

A strong anvil fears no hammer

by Childhood Trauma on Nov 4, 2009 1:13 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

That was...

… pure fucking GOLD! Good job.

The only thing worse then Detroit fans are Toronto fans.

by Mileage on Nov 4, 2009 11:13 AM CST reply actions 0 recs

It had to be said.

Now drop and give me 20.

by briandunne on Nov 4, 2009 12:23 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

unbelievable

i have read a lot of funny sh** on this site, but that without a doubt totally takes the cake!

by jpiel76 on Nov 4, 2009 12:39 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

It was good

but I’ve seen better.

And you can say shit here.

www.stlouisgametime.com

by Brad Lee on Nov 4, 2009 12:41 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

and fuck

as in FUCK DETROIT ! ! !…
and if you want to get all fancy…
fan ta detroit….

You can't call me a fair weather Blues fan.

by DanGNR on Nov 4, 2009 12:45 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

right on

what can i cay? it was my first post on slgt and i wanted to make a good impression. long time reader, first time commenter. well enough about me….FUCK THOSE RED WINGED ASS CLOWNS!!!

by jpiel76 on Nov 4, 2009 3:19 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

You're

now fitting in nicely… er.. not so nicely.. er.. whatever..
Welcome to ~~SLGT~~ Project Mayhem.

You can't call me a fair weather Blues fan.

by DanGNR on Nov 4, 2009 3:33 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

This is what I needed

I can’t look at Perron’s picture without laughing. That and I love Backes response to his reaming it was exactly what I was thinking

Other than that it was just so perfect and spot on. Here’s hoping AM just screams this at them in the locker room after pratice today

by Maverides on Nov 4, 2009 12:54 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

made my day

"It’s a brand new day
And the sun is high
All the birds are singing
That you’re gonna die" ~ Dr. Horrible

by Carnie on Nov 4, 2009 1:05 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

Steel on target

This was badly needed, the next game is critical if we want to avoid a death spin and auger into the ground.

Thank you Juan

Some days its just not worth chewing through the restraints

by spectr17 on Nov 4, 2009 1:37 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

Forgot one of my fave Marine pics

Some days its just not worth chewing through the restraints

by spectr17 on Nov 4, 2009 2:03 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

I WANT YOU TO FUCKING KILL THE FUCKERS WHO FUCKING KILLED YOU!!!!!

Or something to that effect.

BEAUTIFUL SHIT, Mr. Juan!

One day, David Backes and Albert Pujols will combine forces to become the most awesome piece of violent force known to man.

by Donut King on Nov 4, 2009 3:06 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend’s face, you’ll know what to do

A strong anvil fears no hammer

by Childhood Trauma on Nov 4, 2009 3:18 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

Answers? You want answers?

Son, we live in a world that has nets and those nets need to be guarded by men with pads. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Miklasz? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Kariya and curse my line juggling; you have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Happy Meal’s injury, while tragic, probably saved lives and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties you want me on that bench, you need me on that bench. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use then as the backbone of a life trying to defend something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who basks in the spotlight I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said “thank you,” and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a stick and take a shift. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Some days its just not worth chewing through the restraints

by spectr17 on Nov 4, 2009 3:32 PM CST up reply actions 1 recs

Excellent...

Excellence…

You can't call me a fair weather Blues fan.

by DanGNR on Nov 4, 2009 3:38 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

sheer brilliance all around

Pujols takes out "I" in BIG and "A" in MAC, previously considered to be an unyielding, consonant threat

by DESTROYER on Nov 4, 2009 4:29 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs

That was amazing.

I loved Paul’s repsonse meep

by tlg80 on Nov 4, 2009 4:59 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

My name is Gunnery Sergeant Highway...

..and I’ve drank more beer, pissed more blood, and banged more quiff than all of you numb-nuts put together.

I don’t want to get my ass shot off in some faraway land because you people don’t habla… comprende?

“Heartbreak Ridge” is The Shit.

"If we do not prepare for ourselves the role of the hammer, there will be nothing left but that of the anvil."

-- Otto von Bismarck, 1851

http://futurenotes.blogspot.com

by Tomorrows Blues on Nov 4, 2009 5:25 PM CST reply actions 0 recs

Heartbreak Ridge factoid

Clint shopped the movie to the army since it was Army Rangers who actually led the way and rescued the students at the University. Big Mother Green, as usual, screwed the pooch and said no, the drinking and foul language would not portray the soldiers in the good light the Army wanted.

Sooooooo Clint knocked on the Marines door who answered with a “Hellz Fuckin Yes Sir” we can support the movie.

Some days its just not worth chewing through the restraints

by spectr17 on Nov 4, 2009 7:47 PM CST up reply actions 0 recs