Top 11 David Backes Facts

by Donut King on Feb 15, 2009 1:35 PM CST

Answer Man suggested in a recent SLGT thread that a Top 11 David Backes Facts should show up in a future Game Time edition, and that I should write it. I thought this was a good enough idea for a FanPost, but I figured . . . if it was going to happen, it was going to happen with ORIGINAL content, not totally rehashed Chuck Norris or Bill Brasky Facts.

If the SLGT "Higher-Up's" would like to publish this in a future edition . . . hey, knock yourselves out!

And so I present to you . . . the Top 11 Facts About David Backes . . . after the jump.

11. David Backes thinks the Detroit Red Wings are gay. Well, he's kinda normal like that.

10. Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, Mr. T and Superman all wear David Backes pajamas.

9. The pilot for the TV show "The Unit" was nothing but a chronicle of David Backes' penis.

8. David Backes' facial hair is considered currency in Cote d'Ivoire.

7. Clint Malarchuk is forever thankful that it was Steve Tuttle who put a skate blade into his neck on that nearly-fateful night in Buffalo. Clint knows this because had it been David Backes, poor Clint's body would have simply exploded on impact.

6. David Backes is 1/4th Chippewa. He wasn't born that way . . . the dude fucking ate Central Michigan University whole.

5. Chet Ripley (played by John Candy) ate "The Ol' 96er" in the movie "The Great Outdoors". David Backes' pregame meal involves eating a whole cow. Fuck you, John Candy . . . but may you rest in peace. (Fixed. Thanks Dooks!)

4. David Backes wears a visor on his helmet not for eye protection, but as a tool to collect opposing players' blood to complete his Annihilation 3000 death robot prototype.

3. David Backes doesn't cross-check other players. Other players' bodies run into David Backes' stick.

2. During David Backes' youth, Barclay Plager's ghost visited the Backes home and patted young David on the shoulder. We now know that moment as "The Death Notice To The Rest Of The NHL".

1. David Backes is God's apology for allowing the Chicago Blackhawks to happen.

-- TCA

Tweet Comment 12 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

That's what I love about this website

you always learn new things

by Doc Whiskey on Feb 15, 2009 1:48 PM CST reply actions

problem with #5…. it should read: “Chet Ripley (played by John Candy) ate "The Ol’ 96er” in the movie “The Great Outdoors”.

by Dooks on Feb 15, 2009 3:38 PM CST reply actions

Y'know what?

You’re right. I get my John Candy movies mixed up.

That shall be fixed.

"Leaders are made, they are not born. They are made by hard effort, which is the price which all of us must pay to achieve any goal that is worthwhile." -- Vince Lombardi

(No, I'm not a Packers fan)

by Donut King on Feb 16, 2009 12:07 AM CST up reply actions

David Backes doesn’t block shots. The puck veers away from him in fear.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? - Satchel Paige

by Dan. on Feb 15, 2009 4:52 PM CST reply actions

When in the presence of David Backes, European players become more Canadian, French-Canadian players become less French, Canadian players become more American, and American players become SuperAmerican. In essence, being in mere proximity to him takes everyone up a notch.

by Pagan on Feb 16, 2009 9:10 AM CST reply actions

You know how they say “It takes two to tango”? Well not with David Backes. He can tango by himself, motherfucker.

by Manbones on Feb 17, 2009 12:57 AM CST reply actions

David Backes does not go hunting.

The word “hunting” implies the possibility of failure.

David Backes goes killing.

"If we do not prepare for ourselves the role of the hammer, there will be nothing left but that of the anvil."

-- Otto von Bismarck, 1851

http://www.tomorrowsblues.net

by Tomorrows Blues on Feb 17, 2009 9:26 AM CST reply actions

Don’t cry over spilt milk, unless it’s David Backes’ milk… then you’re gonna die.

FUCK DETROIT IN EYEBALLS

"Go to sleep bitch! Die motherfucker die! Times up bitch close your eyes!" ~Eminem
"Turned into a monster I'm a motherfucker!!!" ~ Static X

by Carnie on Feb 17, 2009 11:37 AM CST reply actions

Mayor Slay proposed a bill to rename Clark Street to David Backes Avenue, but it was voted down for fear of massive casualties. Because no one crosses David Backes and lives.

"Attaway to stomp 'em. Stomp the piss out of 'em. Stomp 'em when they're down. Kick 'em and stomp 'em. Attaway to go boys. Pound that old Budweiser into you and go get them tomorrow." -- Joe Schultz

by taiko on Feb 17, 2009 12:00 PM CST reply actions