Jason Reitman, You Are Dead To Me.

"You know what's crazy? I have no idea how I became such a giant jackass? Seriously. No idea. Isn't that just crazy?"

Oh Jason Reitman, aren't you so witty and deep and magicalicious behind a movie camera's lens? Aren't you just so content to be the belle of the current Hollywood self-loving/self-loathing ball right now?

Your movie Juno, for instance. So touching and poignant and boring and well, clever. Trust us, brother, every middle-aged housewife in my neighborhood loved it.

Oh, and let's not forget that Thank You For Smoking movie you did. Again, so poignant and touching and predictable well, clever. Trust us, broseph, every pseudo-intellectual wannabe politician we know thought it was absolute genius. Only they could never tell us why, exactly.

So your new movie that you're shooting in St. Louis now, something about air travel (which always does well), is guaranteed to lock down the housewife market all over again, we're sure. You're so creative and visionary and predictably boring well, clever that we just can not wait to not see it.

To be honest, J-Reit, we wanted you to do well with your St. Louis movie. You let some of our local businesses get involved, hired a few people to work as extras, even brought on Jason Bateman, whose work on Arrested Development had us from the word Gob.

Hell, we like your dad's work. We found you interesting when you were on the Howard Stern Show. We found the 'Clooney Watch' internet posts amusing and liked seeing Bateman at the Blues' home games.

We were in your corner.

Until you stabbed the Blues and their ownership in the back.

We love that nhl.com has recruited various 'celebrity' bloggers to post their insight on their playoff portal. They've done it in the past and it has given us all an amazing look into the depth of hockey knowledge that actors, writers and bandwagon directors possess about our favorite sport.

Seriously, how else would the world have learned what 'casual fan' Lauren Conrad had to say about her beloved local team, "the Los Angeles Dodgers, ooops, Lakers. I totally meant Lakers, you guys!"

As for you and your impressive seven years of hockey fandom, well, your first blog told us everything we need to know about you:

  • You are a giant weasel.

In your first blog, presented idiot bullet-style, you mention a lot of stupid clever points, but it wasn't until you got to points four and five that we turned on you.

4. The Blues organization has been extraordinarily generous to me and my film crew - Even invited all hundred of us to a game when the Kings were in town - Even invited me to come skate with former players on the Scottrade ice on a game day. They are a tremendous group of professionals that I am proud to know.

5. Everyone in the Blues organization is dead to me.

So, Hollywood, let me get this straight; you're so weaselly clever that you thought it'd be great to take advantage of every offer extended to you by the Blues organization only to immediately say you don't need/like/care for them.

Hey genius. How does that jibe with point number nine?

9. I'll be at Games 3 and 4 in St. Louis wearing either an orca, a skate in spaghetti, a stick in the rink, or a flying "V".

You gonna call those guys up and ask for more free tickets? I thought they were dead to you, Mr. Clever?

Personally, I hope they give you a little bit of midwestern customer service:

"Hi, this is Jason Reitman, you know, from Hollywood. Please put your owners on the line, I'd like to ask them for my complimentary tickets to the game this fine eve."

"Oh, Mister Reitman. Absolutely. Mr. Checketts made sure to tell me to patch you right through to his most reliable Account Executive. Please hold."

"Janitor."

"Um, I'm sorry, there must be some mistake, I was told I was being transferred to the free tickets for Hollywood people?"

"Oh, hey, Reitman. This is the janitor. I got your tickets riiiiight here, buddy. Just come on down and get 'em."

Oh, and thanks, Jason, for telling us how to find you with your flying V or your stick-in-rink or your corporate logo whale jersey. We're sure that everyone will treat you with the utmost respect once you're done buying your tickets from one of St. Louis' finest scalpers before Game 3 and Game 4.

By the way, let me take a stab at something here. In your new movie that you're shooting in St. Louis we understand that it's about a guy who is in pursuit of flying a million miles in one year. Wild guess: does he decide to not take the record-breaking flight in favor of chasing down a woman that he realizes is the love of his life?

Clever. Very clever.

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