Coach Camacho: Shit. I know shit's bad right now. With all that losing bullshit. But I got a solution.

Bandwagoner 1: That's what you said last time dipshit!

Bandwagoner 2: I got a solution. YOU'RE A DICK!!! Cardinal Nation! What's up!

(CoachCamacho reaches down and pulls out huge gun and fires some warning shots. The crowd shuts up.)

Coach Camacho:  That's what I thought... Now I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now.  But listen up. I got a three point plan to fix everything.
Number one, we got this guy Not Healthy.

(Paul Kariya appears live on the jumbotron)

Coach Camacho: Number two, he's more skilled than anyone in history, and number three, he's gonna fix everything! I give you my word as Coach!

(The crowd starts to rally. Kariya looks uneasy.)

Coach Camacho: He'll fix the power play! And that ain't all... I give you my word, he's gonna fix the penalty kill too! And I give you my word, he's gonna fix the Swedish vagina sandstorms too!

(Kariya tries to interrupt, weakly raising a hand, but he's ignored.)

Coach Camacho: He's gonna fix the even strength scoring! He's gonna fix the bought and paid for refs! He's gonna fix the problems with the cheap shot artists! Ladies and gentleman, the new Savoir of the Playoffs, Not Healthy!

(The fans go wild!!!!)

Paul Kariya: Ummm, did I mention I'm not ready yet?