Because What Else Are You Going To Read?

So as college has worn on, I've started a little pastime where I take peoples essay prompts( being a physics major I dont get many), get loaded up on a four pack of NOS energy drinks and then do my best write their paper. What is created is a non-sequitur mess of words and ideas usually relating to food or TV. Since it is the off season i figured I might as well let you guys have a gander at some of these beauties so here we go...

Here is the description for the paper:

Write a 3-4 page typed, double spaced paper answering the following:
Imagine yourself as a contemporary of the Reformation period which includes all splits of Christianity we have discussed in class and those described by your textbook to date (including the Catholic Reformation). Which church in the 16th century would you choose to be a part of? Luther's? Calvin's? The Catholic Church? Another church (be specific)?

Assume that you must choose a Christian denomenation and church existing during the 16th century.

A few suggestions for content: Defend your allegiance to a specific church by discussing any important theological issue(s) you might see as integral to your decision, and/or the leader(s) of the church you have chosen to be a part of. You can also denounce any actions/beliefs other churches of the day are partaking in that you do not agree with to better strengthen your argument for why you are choosing to be a member of the church you have chosen.

There is no right or wrong answer to the question; more important is how you formulate your response.

Support your ideas with specific references to people, ideas, and events during the Reformation you see as being key to formulating your decision.

And here is the essay:

If I were back in the 16th Century and face with such a religious dilemma, I would follow a path very similar to that of the late great Martin Luther. After a hearty meal of Lamb-O’s cereal (basically lamb jerky mixed with goats milk) I would march into the town square, jog up the church steps and proceed to nail a single cooked pasta noodle to the front door of the church. (I would hope to use the noodle used in lasagna, since those 16th century nails are HUGE) This action would symbolize the beginning of the Pastafarian religion (if you don’t know about this awesome sect of religion, you should really quit your day job) and as people gathered around; many of them asking, “what the hell is that stunningly handsome young man (it’s true) doing nailing a piece of pasta to the church? Is the church now a Pasta House or Olive Garden? I’m really pulling for an Olive Garden, my family LOVES their salad and breadsticks, also when we’re there we really do feel like family”, I would hop into my Black 1969 Dodge Charger with racing stripes and a Hemi that I brought with me in the time machine. (How else did you expect me to research this paper? You can’t just walk to the 16th century, unless of course you walk to downtown Detroit….ZING!! And no professor, you can’t borrow the time machine to go back to the 1960’s and see the Monkees live, they suck and opened the door for the Jonas Brothers to become popular and ruin a generation of young women. Just go to Wal-Mart and buy their greatest hits.) In conclusion, it is my belief that if one of the main religions today were to acquire the trifecta of a car from the future, a time machine and a single piece of ethnic cuisine, they would dominate all the other religions for millennia. Jesus almost assembled the trifecta, but his dad refused to pay to have the Vette fixed because Jesus forgot his mother’s birthday. According to J-dog, this was totally skeet because his ride was totally BITCHIN.

I post some more if the absolute value of the overall response to this post is positive