RFJCC Does Wuthering Heights

Ok this one might not go over as well since you kinda have to have read the book to know whats going on. Also it might be offensive to those who majored in englsih...Also please ignore any grammar errors, like I said before I'm a physics major who hates to edit his writing.

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Prompt: In a well-organized essay, explain your feelings towards Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights and your opinion on what you feel the main idea or theme of the novel was. Be sure to use quotes to back up your opinion.

            Many critics consider Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights to her best piece of writing (considering she only live to 30 and this was her ONLY novel, this isn’t really a very insightful opinion, but what else would you expect from literary critics), and often claim that the main theme of the novel is that love conquers all, even death. (Tell that to OJ’s girlfriend) In my opinion that is an completely disillusioned theme generated by a bunch of prissy English majors who sit around in sofa chairs, drinking latte’s and trying to come up with over-romanticized themes for famous novels in order to make it look like they are actually contributing to society. Sadly no amount of Penguin Classics (such as Wuthering Heights) will save them from global warming, those goddamn beatniks. (I’ll apologize when I see an english major develop a fusion reactor, so I guess I’m not apologizing) Anyway I found that the main theme of Wuthering Heights is that money can buy you love, which I guess means that Apple Records is about to sue Emily Bronte back to the 17th century. (Anyone see what I did there?)

You see the main stud in the novel, Heathcliff, was nothing but a poor gypsy orphan (is that redundant?) who was adopted by a senile old man with way too much money. So Heathcliff came to live at the foreboding Wuthering Heights (Once again it was named by that senile bastard, the rest of the family wanted to call it Euro Disneyland, but it was to cheery a home for such a name) where he meets Catherine Earnshaw, who if she looked anything like the lady on the cover of my version of the novel, which was loaned to me by my high school english class and was missing over 50 pages( ain’t public school great?), was a total babe. Sadly Heathcliff was nothing but a poor adopted gypsy boy, which meant he had no chance at marrying her because in Victorian era England, ‘You gotta have that pahpa if you wanna be a playa’. (it’s hilarious how similar Victorian era culture is to modern gangster rap) So even though Heathcliff and Cathy were totally diggin’ what the other had to offer, they could not be together because Heathcliff was dirt poor. This compelled Heathcliff to run away (what a pussy) for years and then suddenly return as a cultured man with loads of green to his name. (they never explain how he got his money, but I’m thinking he did whatever the 17th century version of “favors in an airport bathroom” was) Now he is ready to claim his woman, but sadly she ran off and married the neighbor boy, who was a total dolt. (Think Mike Keenan only more of a bitch) For the rest of the novel, Heathcliff tries to reclaim Cathy, but she dies young, leaving him alone with his money. Eventually he pays off the guy at the local graveyard dig up her grave and bury him with here when he finally dies, which is way more creepy than romantic. Thus it is proven that money can’t buy love, just a healthy case of necrophilia.

And Now for my quote…At one point in the novel, Cathy tries to express her deep love for Heathcliff by exclaiming ‘I am Heathcliff’, which I found strange because if someone did that in front of me, my first impression would be that they were a guy. Thus I think those sissy english critics/majors should spend more time looking over Wuthering Heights for evidence that Cathy was a tranny.

THE END