Blues vs Glendale: Get To Know The Coyotes

Is there a more faceless team in the NHL right now than the Phoenix Coyotes? For a team that has one of the most recognizable people in the history of the sport behind the bench, we have a hard time remembering anyone else on the roster. And we're huge hockey fans who can tell you off the top of our heads where nearly any NHLer is currently playing. But then again, we can also look at a giant pile of spilled toothpicks and tell you how many dropped within seconds, so maybe we have the issue.

Regardless, with the Blues playing the most important game of their season (TM) tonight against the Coyotes, we thought we'd give anyone who doesn't know anything about the 'Yotes (including 97% of the Phoenix/Glendale/Scottsdale metro complex) a quick primer about the players on this team using the teaching aid we usually fall back on: the movies!

Today we present to you the Phoenix Coyotes as Major League.

First up, Coach Wayne Gretzky as Coach Lou Brown:

  Hey Klee, how's the knees holding up?

Oh, never better. Never better.

I need somebody to lead this team, but I need the honest truth here. Are you 100%?

Would I bullshit you about something like that?

You better. If you wanna make this team.

Captain Shane Doan as team captain Jake Taylor.

I play for the Coyotes.

Here in Phoenix? I didn't know they still had a team!

Yup! We've got uniforms and everything. It's pretty great!

Ed Jovanovski as Roger Dorn.

Ed Jovanovski? I thought you said we didn't have any high-priced talent?

We don't. Jovanovski is just high-priced.

Wayne Gretzky on Mikkel Boedker:

You may skate like Gartner, but you hit like shit.

And finally, radio voice Tyson Nash as radio voice harry Doyle (Bob Uecker):

That's it? Just one goddamn goal?

You can't say 'goddamn' on the air.

Don't worry. Nobody is listening anyways.