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No, Alex Burrows is not invited to the Oshie Sports Golf Tournament. But you and your idiot friends are.

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It's not too late to book your flight to Grand Forks, North Dakota to play some golf on July 29th and 30th. In fact, some travel sites can round-trip you from lovely St. Louis to lovely (we assume. We also assume 'flat'.) Grand Forks for a mere $258 bucks. Assuming you can get three of your jackass buddies to go along (the term 'jackass buddies' may only apply to us. We seem to attract that kind of crowd.), add in another $50 for a Celebrity Skins game on Wednesday (your foursome is $200) and then $125 for the actual Oshie Sports Celebrity Golf Tournament (your foursome costs $500) and you're in for what we assume will be one great time.

We just have to make you promise to take tons of pictures and immediately turn them over to us for use in the greater internet community. (By the way, we're seriously working on a way to justify this trip next year. Gotta be a write-off, right? Start making plans, folks.)

As we wrote about this tournament earlier this summer, all proceeds go to local North Dakota charities and if our math is right, a flight and tourney fees will run you under $450, minus all non-comped drinks and food. As for lodging, hell, just get your team's celebrity loaded on booze and ask if you and three of your jackass buddies can crash in his room. It'll probably go just fine. You seem like the trustable sort. After a ton of booze anyway.

Oh, and as for those celebrity golfers, the final list has just been released. Of course, The Teej leads the way, as the tournament is put on by his father, Coach Osh, but we've got the whole group. As a service to you, since you all expect your jackass buddy to do it anyway, we've listed possible topics of conversation for each celebrity you might draw.

T.J. Oshie (St. Louis Blues / UND)

So, Teej. We dig the Buttermilk Ranch from Jack in the Box too. We're also pretty cool with Oasis' 'Wonderwall.' But seriously, what's the Bermuda Cup?

Zach Parise (New Jersey Devils / UND)

Dude, how much do you hate your line's nickname, the 'ZZ Pop' line?

Jonathan Toews (Chicago Blackhawks / UND)

Awesome. We're paired with 'Captain Serious.' So, Cap'n, how do you like nailing the oldest of the four Kane sisters?

Dean Blais (Head Coach University of Nebraska - Omaha)

Seriously? You never called Chris Holt "Steve Holt!"? You totally missed out, man.

Taylor Chorney (Edmonton Oilers / UND)

Dude, I heard you had a two-goal game last year! Pretty good for a defenseman. I might totally pick you up for my fantasy team. Oh, they were both against your own team? Nice work, Marc Bergevin.

Marc Chorney (NHL / UND)

So you're Taylor's dad, huh? Played in the NHL did you? Awesome.

You know we got screwed on the whole 'celebrity golfer' thing, right? Yeah. Sweet.

Kyle Okposo (New York Islanders / UM)

Aw man, I used to be the young hotshot at my work and then they went out and hired this new kid and he totally started taking away all the attention that used to be one me. Now all anyone ever talks about is this kid. Totally sucks.

You ever have that happen?

Blake Wheeler (Boston Bruins / UM)

Dude, I'd take less money to not be in Phoenix too. That place sizzucks.

David Backes (St. Louis Blues / UM Mankato)

Remember when you scored four goals against Detroit?

That was awesome.

Yeah. And remember when you scored a goal with less than a second left to beat Boston?

That was awesome.

And that one time, when you smoked Dion Phaneuf?

Yeah, that was so awesome.

 

Patrik Berglund (St. Louis Blues)

Yo, Iceberg, any chance we can prank-call the Red Wings' Swedes?

Matt Niskanen (Dallas Stars / UM-Duluth)

Yo, Nisk. Whaddaya say if I sink this putt, you give me your 2001 Pontiac Sunfire?

Jordan Parise (UND / Lowell Devils AHL)

So I hear you're pretty full of yourself. Well I hope someday you spend some money to play golf, help some charities and hang out with someone cool and instead you wind up with someone cool's emo little brother.

Chris Porter (St. Louis Blues / UND)

I totally know a guy who spent $25 on a "Blues Grab Bag" last year and his gift was a puck you signed. He didn't even care that you were in Peoria at the time. Did you, Brad?

Matt Jones (Phoenix Coyotes / UND)

Man, are the crickets chirping really loud around here today, or is that just me?

Colby Genoway (Manitoba Moose / UND)

Dude, any idea on when our celebrity is gonna show up?

Karl Goehring (Manitoba Moose / UND)

Seriously? No, I have no idea why I keep calling you Hermann.

Dave Christian ('80 Olympic USA Miracle Team / NHL / UND)

So you played at Warroad, North Dakota and in St. Louis? You're like the pre-Oshie!

Dave Hakstol (UND Fighting Sioux Head Coach)

Seriously, man, what is the Bermuda Cup?

Cary Eades (UND Fighting Sioux Associate Head Coach)

So, yeah, assistant coaches tend to be pretty close with the players, right? Sweet man. So whadday say after another couple shots of Jagermeister we talk about something cool...like what the Bermuda Cup is....

Dane Jackson (UND Fighting Sioux Head Coach)

Wow, that's amazing. Hey, you know, Dave and Cary already told us about the Bermuda Cup. Hilarious, right?

Kyle Radke (Idaho Steelheads / UND)

Nah, man, you're right; tons of low-scoring defensemen from the ECHL make the NHL. Hell, you're already waaaay more likely than me to make it. Want another beer?

Phil Lamoureux (Alaska Aces / UND)

You know, about 10 more of you and we have ourselves an official clown car. No, no, 5'7 is considered tall in some cultures, I agree.

Mike "Lefty" Curran ('72 Olympic USA Team / MN North Stars / UND)

Dude, my friends all call me "Righty!" Probably for a totally different reason though.

Ginny Christian ('56 Olympic USA Team / UND)

Y'know, you're pretty badass and all, but the 'Ginny' nickname has really kept the 'Sister Christian' song in my head all day. Any chance I could just call you Gordon?

Billy Christian ('60 Olympic Gold Medal Team USA)

Whatever happened to Christian hockey sticks anyway?

Andrew Kozek (UND Fighting Sioux / Atlanta Thrashers)

You just signed an NHL contract? Time to start buying our shots, bitch!

Landon Wilson (Dallas Stars / UND)

What high school did you go to?

Matt Smaby (Tampa Bay Lightning / UND)

Smaby it's time for you to make a beer run, buddy.

David Hale (Phoenix Coyotes / UND)

Dude, I totally saw your movie.

Dustin Byfuglien (Chicago Blackhawks)

 Bufflyggien? Great. You might be a giant human, but I don't give a shit. Meanwhile, you didn't go to school here, you play for the Shithawks and even your team's best blog doesn't like you. Who do I see about a refund?

 

In case you need more information on attending the event, follow the link at the start of this article. Questions can also be directed to the below address:

Timothy W. Oshie
c/o Oshie Sports & Media
420 N. 8th Street
Grand Forks, ND  58203
oshiesports@gmail.com