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When Roman Polak hits, everyone clears out. But what does that translate into when looking for a new contract?

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We were intrigued by the completely made up mock arbitration that the guys over at Japers' Rink did for Milan Jurcina not too long ago. Well, intrigued that Milan Jurcina was actually still in the league anyway. As for the actual arbitration write up, we thought, "Pretty cool, and damn those guys have that legalese down. But still, it's too bad we don't have anyone going to arbitration."

And then we remembered, "Oh yeah, the internet isn't about facts!" So we decided on the next-best thing. Roman Polak is the last remaining Blue out there without a contract, clearly unable to find another team who will sign him to a deal that he can take to the Blues and ask them to match. He probably should have opted for salary arbitration but thought he could get a better offer on the open market.

Plus, as everyone knows, arbitration can get ugly. The team is trying to make the case for why the player should get less money and therefore tends to express, in open court, the players worst faults and the reasons why they should be paid less than they think they're worth. Rumor is that Pavol Demitra's arbitration with the Blues went so badly that he broke out in tears. Clearly, it's not an optimal situation for a young man who just wants to prove that (as Polak is fond of saying) he's got the skills to pay the bills. For him, it's best to avoid the nastiness of court proceedings.

But what if he had opted for the judge to decide? And what if, instead of the jackals in the Blues' legal department sitting across the aisle it was the Game Time staff. And instead of armed with the tools of "statistics" and "professional scouting reports" and "coaches assessments," we'd just bring a stack of old Game Time print editions and a shitty blue and white cooler with a Bluenote sticker on one side, a GT logo sticker on the other and a Big Ass Truck sticker on the lid.

What would happen then?

"All rise! The honorable Judge Harry Stone, presiding."

OK, OK, we're all professionals here. And as we all know, legal proceedings are always determined by coin flip. Game Time, you won the toss that was completed backstage before the show started and elected to kick off, so you may proceed. Also, in accordance with all fake courtroom drama rules, you may go off on long tangential rants whenever you see fit, most of which I will allow.

  Your honor, we request a beer break.

  Denied.

  Very well then, but this arbitration will be played under protest.

  Duly noted.

  Your honor, we today are in the unfortunate position of playing the role of the bad guy. You see, we like Roman Polak. The guy skates hard and fast, the way the ladies like it. The guys hits the living shit out of people, the way your bar buddies like it. The man has a great shot and has no quit in him, just the way we heard the honorable judge likes it...

Wha?

...but beyond even that, we love the guy's moxie. According to his Twitter, he even enjoys farting in his teammates' helmets. Your honor, you just can't find comedy gold like that every day. We'll say it now and we'll say it proud: we want Roman Polak on the Blues' blueline this fall.

But let's be honest about this whole thing. That Polish Roman needs to stop listening to that bloodsucking nightmare of an agent, fire that douchebag pile of flaming shit lawyer...

Your honor, I object! They're clearly trying to....

Counselor, I understand your concern, but I'm gonna allow it.

 


Thank you, your honor. As I was saying, this piece of shit, lying douchebag lawyer is doing his client a disservice. While we love this crazy fucking Polak, he has made a few mistakes that illustrate exactly why our offer, at the RFA qualifying number of around $522,000 is more than plenty for him on this contract.

[Shuffling of papers, cracking of beer cans.]

Your honor, did you know that on his first day with the Blues, Polak walked up to the clubhouse soda machine and put in a coin. Out pops a coke. Polak looked amazed and ran away to get some more coins. He quickly returned and began feeding more coins into the machine and pulling out more and more sodas.

Coach Andy Murray soon walked up behind him and watched for a few minutes before stopping and asking, "Hey Rook, mind if someone else could have a go?"

Polak spun around and shouted, "Can’t you see I’m winning?"

Your honor, that's a complete fabrication! that never occurred!

Another time, your honor, this Roman Polak was walking around downtown St. Louis with Brad Winchester. At one of the crosswalks a buzzer started going off.  

"What is that buzzer for?" asked Polak.

"It’s a waning signal," answered Winchester, "It lets blind people know when the light is red."

Polak, alarmed, replied, "What in the hell are blind people doing driving around?"

What. The. Fucks?

Earlier last season, your honor, Roman Polak frantically called the emergency room late one night.

 Your honor, I want to state my case!

[Sip.] ... Proceed.

Well, your honor, what we have here is yet another example of how the Blues are succeeding in building their team from within. Roman Polak... no, I do not want a beer.... Roman Polak is a mid-round pick who was thrust into the NHL lineup before many thought he'd be ready. He played solid defense, pounded his opponents, chipped in offensively and was a player who the team counted on in big minutes at big times of games.

Down the stretch and in the playoffs, he was frequently referred to as one of the better players on the ice by fans, media, coaches and even these "gentlemen" here. In fact, in the playoffs, as the team struggled to beat the Canucks, my client was considered to be a guy who stepped up to the challenge and played playoff hockey as hard as it could be played.

Roman Polak is a great young defenseman, a great value to this team and a player who deserves to be given a new contract for several years. We are asking that he be compensated $1.5 million a year for the next two years.

[Standing ovation, cheering, cracking and clanking together of beers.]

Gentlemen, I'm confused. You agree with the counselor? I thought you wanted him to receive compensation along the lines of the qualifying offer.

Nah, bro. We don't care. We love this guy. Bring him back and let's all go get fucking pissed.