Fantasy Draft: Who Would You Build Around?

Michael Jackson. Has skill out the whatsit. Was noticed as a standout player from a whole family of them. Eventually becomes the dominant force in the sport, before slowly fading from the spotlight. Eventually his behind the scene activities make a national laughing stock, but upon his early death is remembered as a tragic soul who really was the best ever.

Go ahead and mock this one boys and girls. And no, it isn’t too soon.

I am going to say Bjorn Gelotte from In Flames. Dude can play a guitar like none other, so he has good hands. He’s also swedish so that makes him better than most at hockey whether he’s played before or not. He also have that viking spirit about him.

That elbow issue? Not gonna matter in hockey, sir. And if someone throws a puck at him belt-high, that shit’s going into the net. Guaran-fucking-teed.

He’s The One, despite being Keanu Reeves. Put him in goal and he stops the puck before it even comes near the net with a mere wave of his hand.

Mentally shaping the game at will, Neo could make great outlet passes without even putting stick to puck, obviously wouldn’t be afraid to get physical and, hey, he can fly.

Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. You know the drill.

select Lost’s Benjamin Linus. Small but powerful. Intelligent…and manipulative. He’d have the NHL changing rules to suit HIS team in days…

Because he’s a total bamf . . His face screams . . “I need a Playoff Beard”

I just might be the only Venture Brothers fan here, but if anyone else is, they know I just got the steal of the draft.

No one fills up the crease better!

Charles Barkley, the Round Mound of Rebound, was an unbelievably talented basketball player, but most importantly this guy liked to beat innocent pussies up all over the place, on the court and often at the bar, where he was a regular across the bar scene. When hes not chirping some utter nonsense to the other team, fellow announcer, fans, or anyone in hearing distance, you can find him throwing ‘boes and crashing the boards, which in this case would be the net.
Some of the manly acts of this man are legendary, spitting on unruly opposing fans as he was leaving the court, throwing bar patrons through plate glass windows and not apologizing like most pussy-whipped athletes, and reportedly drinking 15 long island ice teas the night before a game. Long Island’s may not be scotch or ale, the preferred drink of a Viking man, but 15 is still a lot of alcohol and a real man can drink some serious alcohol. The Man himself, Sir Charles kicked ass on the court, beat pussies up in bars, and talked shit to anyone and everyone.

I could maybe go without the spitting on fans, unless its in Detroit, Chicago, or Vancouver.

Bobby Orr. He was like good at hockey and stuff.

I select Game Time’s Answer Man…out of North County University.

Provided he doesn’t select himself with his own 1st round pick, of course…

Not Val Kilmer. The X-Men guy who makes ice and stuff. Think of the cost you’ll save on cooling the building. You’d never need a zamboni. And opposing players can’t skate very well when encased in a block of ice.

I’m going with John Belushi. The first thing you need on a team is a leader and team chemistry and no one is known better for their dabbling with the chemicals. He’s got the build and Albanian background to be mean as hell when he needs to intimidate other teams or refs.

The best skill John brings is the eyebrow raise. Nothing fucks with folks’ minds more than them not knowing what the hell you’re up to. Give them the wink and EBR right before the faceoff and it’s over Johnny.

Efilnikufesin

Jean-Claude van Damme. He has hockey experience…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgY-zL9_ISQ

Though the cap and glasses… yeesh. Down to the 2nd line you go, JC.

i’m taking Jesus. GTPD mentioned him in the email, but he didn’t pull the trigger. I’m gonna put the Big JC between the pipes — the guy is known for making big saves. Plus he can already walk on water so ice should be no problem. He also has the playoff beard. With Shaq and Jesus my team can’t be beat, at least they can’t get scored on.

Eric Northman the Viking vampire from True Blood. Eternal youth. Speed & strength. Ability to “glamour” someone to make them do anything he wants. Did I mention he was a Viking.

A calm, collected Jedi Master with size, force and a presence that would be felt on the ice and off. Not to mention the Jedi Mind Trick, in concert with Neo’s abilities in the net, means no one even comes close to scoring. Unless someone drafts Emperor Palpatine and Smith.

And, Gary Bettman will love my pick. More diversity to the league.

OK Phruits, this one is a good one.

I have three:

1. John “The Wad” Holmes- ‘nuf said. The dude had a giant piece of man meat.
2. Bob Chandler- Owner/Creator of Big Foot Monster Truck aka The Pride of North Co! http://www.bigfoot4x4.com/rbc.html
3. This one is a bit obscure but I want it and so does she. I think the greeter at St. Anne Wal-Mart. She’s a warrior. Get’s shit on all day but still has the gumption to give me a tongue kiss every time I come in the store. Such a darling

Just kidding. You would have to be a fool to….wait, Chicago did what?

Great teams start with D so the gentleman from the land of fruits and nuts goes with Rosie O’Porkchop for a backstopper.

Yeah, lets see you bury one around that big azz.

Like a terlet in a cheap hotel, that goal is PLUGGED baby!!!!!

…from the University of Koenigsberg in Prussia, Frederick of Hohoenzollern, second of his name to ascend to the throne of Prussia, known to history as Frederick the Great.

A master strategist, posessed of an iron disciple and will, and there was no one better at overcoming long odds to win a decisive victory.

B.

John McLain (Die Hard) – Defensemen
It has been fabled that indeed this name was the answer given after Osama Bin Laden was asked what he feared most. Before we had homeland defense, we had John McLain. He single-handedly thwarted every terrorist attempt on US soil from the late eighties to the early nineties, half the time without even having proper footwear; so its safe to say hes probably good on skates. This man along with my previous pick of Charles Barkley will strong-arm the largest of power forwards and any offensive threat would be rendered useless.

The name says it all.
Definitely a heavyweight, kept Romania from being conquered. And just happens to be the guy Dracula was based on. Besides, I’d need someone to protect M. Jackson. Secondly, I’d like to see him eat Sean Avery alive on the ice.

Chris Carpenter.

Seriously, the dude was a relatively solid defenseman as a youngster, apparently. And if he carried HALF the intensity to the ice with him as he carries to the mound . . . WINNER, BABY!

I hope my 3rd round selection is not a baseball player. I need some talent diversity here.

We have a 2nd round trade involving John Fucken Wayne in the works.

is Leonidas from 300.

He already has a sweet playoff beard, he sticks up for his teammates, and he has experience as a king. He also gives the best motivational speeches ever. Therefore, he is wearing the C for my team from Day 1.

I select the Giant Stay Puft Marshmellow Man from Ghostbusters.

Sure, I’ve heard the complaints that he’s soft, and he melts under pressure. But, frankly, I don’t care. You can’t teach size like he has.

…from Rugby in England….Sir Harry Flashman!

Announcer 1: Ooohhh, the Hockey Prof goes off the board here in the first round!

Announcer 2: I’m not so sure. For starters, ol’ Flashy knows the rules to a lot of games, including Brothel Cricket, so he may be more up on things then you think. Second, the guy’s a survivor! Who else do you know lived through the Charge of the Light Brigade AND was a sex slave during the Indian munity?

I choose the coldest of icy MF’s – Vic Vega – A.K.A Mr. Blonde – Reservoir dogs

Continuing on my trend of gritty skill, Vega’s so damn badass that just after being released from prison, he decides to go on a jewelry heist. And when the alarm trips, not even batting an eyelash, Vic stays calm, cool, and collected, aside from being a dead-aim shot. With Charles Barkley and John Mclain’s grittyness, Vega’s slick ass will steal pucks left and right, only to walk the defense and kill the goalie if he makes a save. Ref’s wouldn’t even want to blow their whistle on the ice for fear of it being stolen.

Alias: Mr. Blonde
Badass Quote: "Are you gonna bark all day, doggie, or are you gonna bite?"

Getting tougher. I’ll go for Henry VIII – not the fat, bed sore ridden one, but the younger one before he fell off his horse and got that nasty leg wound that never healed. Athletic, talented, obnoxious, and a well documented mean streak.

His propensity for beer and women could be a problem a la the Habs, but still – if someone pisses him off on the ice, their head gets lopped off. I like that.

Christopher Walken.

We are pleased to welcome Chris to the team. Chris fills in our need for a gritty, intimidating winger who can muck with the best and still give you 20 goals.

The famous warface is also a plus for pushing goalies even closer to the edge.

I’m late to the game, so I have 3 rounds of selections to make in one post.

Dooks selects speedy winger The Flash,
ever so versatile centerman Mr. Fantastic,
and while undersized, however NOTHING gets past her, and if it does, she can unmake it, goalie from Karakura Town, Orihime Inoue of the anime Bleach

I’ll just have to one up you

With my 3rd overall, I select “The Merc with the Mouth” Deadpool.

What is there to say about Deadpool? He has mega quick reflexes, he can teleport to one half ot hte ice in a flash which would be great to defend odd man rushes and get breakaways going, and he’ll do just about anything you say if the pay is right (Though the way he goes about it might not be what you had intended…) Also, the selection of Deadpool has a 2nd benefit, as he will also take over as color commentater for my team.

Course the backdraws are that he’s stark raving mad, but I’m willing to take the risk. Deadpool and Brock will probably be my first defensive pairing, and the most lethal in the league.

Alright then.

My 3rd round selection . . . is William Wallace.

I personally pushed the GM to pick him as I am distantly related to him . . . wait, I AM the GM. Why am I pushing MYSELF? Anyway . . .

Wallace brings facepaint, truculence, leadership on and off the ice, more truculence (yes, I’m starting to sound like PPP here), tenacity, precision and more facepaint to my team. Not to mention an intense hatred for Anglo-Saxons who want to take away his freedom. That counts for something.

definitley… God
he can smite the opposition, deal plagues on Pierre McGuire, and send the entire city of Detroit to hell, wait that already happened.

Larry the Cable Guy

With this pick, I’m looking for a heads-up skill player who has the grit, determination, and leadership to potentially serve in a player/coach/team lawyer role.

As such, I am proud to select Gordon Bombay (circa beginning of D2 prior to getting his knee busted up).

…from the University of Virginia at Mount Vernon, center George Washington.

Good size at 6’2, 215 pounds, a natural leader, tenacious, resourceful, and absolutely the premier “character” player available.

B.

we should be pretty close to starting the 4th round by now.

I haven’t selected a defenseman yet, and I need a coach, so I’m gonna kill two birds with one stone. the one man best suited to man the blueline AND run a team is: (circa 1970) Al Arbour

(it remains to be seen if Dominik will applaud me or kill me for this)

I’m ready to reciprocate.

I’ve already got a proven scorer (Pujols), a lock-down defenseman (Carp) and team leader and all-around badass (Sir Wallace) . . . I need a backstop.

So . . . In the fourth round, Donut King Enterprises, Inc. selects . . .

Vladikov, from a recent Amstel Light campaign:

Good luck shooting it past him, kiddos.

Godzirrah. Another tough as a coffin nail forward to round out our first line. We’re going with old style hockey goonery and Godzirrah has no qualms about entering the stands in ANY arena to wreck havoc.

Tighten down your chinstraps ya pussies in Chicago.

So it’ll go to the top, folks!

With my solid buildup of big guys (Brock Sampson, Stay Puft) and the insanely quick (Deadpool), I’ve decided to continue my setup of bruisers. With my 4th round, I select…. Molly Hayes

It has kinda became my goal to draft obscure players with high upside, and Molly certainly fits into that. Certainly a work in progress, “Princess Powerful” is only 12 years old, seemingly the youngest person to be taken so far. However, for her age, Molly is already a physical force, and her strength rivals that of anyone taken so far in this draft. She is very physically tough, and basically impossible to keep tabs off down low. Also, cross checking her would do no good, as you’d only break your stick over her head, and all that would do is annoy her.

Unfortunitly, she does have some weaknesses. While she does have strength and toughness galore, she isn’t exactly physically imposing at first glance, and her lack of height still is a backdraw, though one that can be fixed with time. Also, her energy levels are minimul, and she has to rely on cafinated beverages to get by for long periods, and even their effects are minimul. Still, Molly has a lot of growing to do, and both of the previous problems should be fixed with age. A force now, she’ll be the best player in the league by age 22.