Top 11 Ways The Blackhawks' Summer Could Get Weirder

Was purposley overlooked. They didn’t want word to get out that he had a torn vagina.

…has heen rearranged for Kane. This way he can attend temple on Saturday since it is the sabbath.

(the most lightly worded Jewish joke I could muster. I’d apologize for poor taste but I never apologize)

…Kane is grounded for three months. When his mom drives him to the rink, she won’t even let him watch his pregame Dora DVD in the back of the van.

Looking to shore up its goaltending, the Hawks ink Manny Legace.

Sending him on a wild rampage in the Hawks front office. Police find Bobby barricaded in WIrtz’s office in the fetal position.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzlG28B-R8Y

…sent by carrier pigeon in 1926, finally arrives at league offices. Unfortunately, it is discovered they forgot to sign the check.

it turns out Tomas Kopecky also didn’t take a physical before signing his July 1st free agent contractor. Doctors find that he has a sandy vagina and shelve him for the season.

Ben Eager DOES officially change his last name to Eagerforcock.

every time Cristobal Huet makes a save at home, he requests the United Center entertainment coordinator to play snippets of “Power Of Love” by ‘Huet’ Lewis and the News.

(Oh Christ, that one’s awful.)

As a sign that the city has moved and forgiven Steve Bartman for the fiasco in ’03, Steve is asked to drop the puck at a preseason Hawks game. The carpet laid out for him wrinkles at the boards, and as the hawks come out, Huet trips over the carpet. The players behind him, Toews, Sharp, and Kane, trip over Huet in a comedy of errors. All four players are injured, effectively ending any hope of a successful season.

Steve Bartman is never seen again. The curses of Muldoon and the Billy Goat converge and become more powerful than they ever could apart.

Maid Marian Hossa is discovered to have ties with the mob. It turns out he has been paid quite handsomely to throw the last two cup finals. The mob sent him to Chicago to do the same thing in next years finals. The NHL decidces to not believe this to be true saying, “Ttheres no way this is true — no one expects Chicago to make the Finals.”

Discouraged by team members’ treatment of cab drivers, Blackhawks mandate limousines must be used for any nights about town. Richard Gnida is hired to drive Kane, Toews, Kyle Beech, Duncan Keith…you get the idea.

The Blackhawks petition the NHL to add a stat category for team douchiness in hopes of leading the league in something. Just like in the Central Division, the ’Hawks find themselves behind the Red Wings at seasons end.

gangbangs kanestwo sisters and she ends up preggo, and its quenvilles kid

When asked to replace Q, Mike Keenan says “I wouldn’t touch that abortion with Penny Marshall’s dick.”

and in a surprise move, brings in hotshot attorney Gordon Bombay to give the closing argument.

Gordon Bombay suddenly comes to the realization that he is a movie character and fails miserably.

Looking for some veteran wisdom to pass onto the young team, Stan Bowman orchestrates a trade for Dany Heatly. Heatly celebrates his arrival by taking several of his new teammates out for a spin in his car.

Hey now! Let’s leave JR out of this!! :)

Patrick Kane attends the upcoming USA Hockey camp and eventually makes the team for the 2010 games.

The destruction of hotel rooms in Nagano in ‘98 is made to look like child’s play.

wall nut checks, Toews, and the cab drives two dimes he though were missing comes out of Toews mouth, further fueling the conspiracy theory that toews wants Kane gone

… Rob Ramage is assigned as team chauffeur for all off-season activities.

The team makes a cameo appearance on the show “Boston Legal”