Top 11 Ways The Blackhawks' Summer Could Get Weirder
by Brad Lee on Aug 10, 2009 9:00 AM CDT
54 comments
So you may have heard that young Hawk player Patrick Kane might be in a bit of legal trouble for allegedly assaulting a Buffalo cab driver with his cousin because he didn't have 20 cents to make perfect change. They also are accused of stealing their original fare. You can't make this kind of stuff up. Maybe Kane was trying to quiet his critics who say he doesn't play with any physicality. This should totally change his reputation.
It's been an interesting offseason for the Hawks. Quick rundown: after losing in the Conference Finals to the Red Wings, they signed in free agency one of the best players on Detroit's roster, Marian Hossa. He promptly informed the team he needs shoulder surgery and will miss the first four months of his 12-year contract that happens to be under the scrutiny of the league because there might have been some discussions with Hossa about what year in the deal he plans to retire. Oops. A bigger oops: sending qualifying officers to restricted free agents via the U.S. Mail whilst not meeting a deadline forcing the Hawks to sign the players to contracts possibly longer and more expensive than they intended. Oh, and they also fired the team president and replaced him with Scotty Bowman's son, the same Scotty Bowman who is a special advisor to the team. Seriously, I didn't make any of that shit up.
So let's have some fun. What else could happen in the next month and a half before training camp opens? Here are my ideas. Add yours in the comments.
11. Duncan Keith tears both ligaments in one knee in a freak golf cart accident.
10. Jonathan Toews makes an announcement that his last name actually rhymes with "hoes" and that Taves pronunciation bullshit was just him being pretentious in college.
9. Joel Quenneville shaves his upper lip clean. Immediately realizes he looks more like an accountant than a bad-ass hockey coach.
8. United Center announces they're only selling St. Louis style thin pizza at concession stands.
7. Jeremy Roenick admits to having a romantic affair with Michel Goulet early in his career. Granted, most people suspected this years ago.
6. The team hires Mike Keenan as a goaltender consultant.
5. Ownership bows to pressure from Native American protesters to drop the team's moniker and symbol. New name: Chicago Oprahs.
4. Dustin Byfuglien makes an announcement that his legal name is actually Dustin Playslikeshitian and that he switched because it was too hard to say by looking at it.
3. Brian Campbell announces that his father is actually the Lucky Charms leprechaun, who coincidentally hates playing defense too.
2. Marian Hossa admits the injury to his shoulder happened by lifting a Stanley Cup replica over his head 100 times a day during the playoffs as part of his practice routine.
1. Bill Wirtz comes back from the dead to run the team. And he's an improvement.
Alright people, your turn. Don't bother numbering them. Just get after it. And if this doesn't have 30 tasteless comments by lunch, my cousin and I will kick your ass for a lot less than two thin dimes.
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Hossa's Physical
Was purposley overlooked. They didn’t want word to get out that he had a torn vagina.
North Co! North Co! North Co!
by Answer Man on Aug 10, 2009 9:19 AM CDT via mobile reply actions 1 recs
Hawks Training Camp Schedule
…has heen rearranged for Kane. This way he can attend temple on Saturday since it is the sabbath.
(the most lightly worded Jewish joke I could muster. I’d apologize for poor taste but I never apologize)
North Co! North Co! North Co!
by Answer Man on Aug 10, 2009 9:23 AM CDT via mobile reply actions 0 recs
since getting arrested...
…Kane is grounded for three months. When his mom drives him to the rink, she won’t even let him watch his pregame Dora DVD in the back of the van.
North Co! North Co! North Co!
by Answer Man on Aug 10, 2009 9:25 AM CDT via mobile reply actions 0 recs
12. Their stadium announcer/anthem singer...
… gets shot in the throat.
Wait, that really happened. Google it.
by Mr. Particle on Aug 10, 2009 10:32 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Looking to shore up its goaltending, the Hawks ink Manny Legace.
by averagejoe on Aug 10, 2009 10:42 AM CDT via mobile reply actions 0 recs
The glue from Bobby Hull's coonskin on his head seeps into his brain
Sending him on a wild rampage in the Hawks front office. Police find Bobby barricaded in WIrtz’s office in the fetal position.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzlG28B-R8Y
Dum spiramus tuebimur
by spectr17 on Aug 10, 2009 10:46 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Marian Hossa's new pet goat...
…still wearing its “STANLEY” jacket, is found hanging from a lamppost at the corner of Clark and Addison. Citywide riots ensue, and both Wrigley Field and the United Center are burned to the ground.
by BleedBlue42 on Aug 10, 2009 11:08 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
The Blackhawks application for admission to the NHL...
…sent by carrier pigeon in 1926, finally arrives at league offices. Unfortunately, it is discovered they forgot to sign the check.
by Rich of GASL on Aug 10, 2009 11:20 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Not to be outdone by Hossa . . .
it turns out Tomas Kopecky also didn’t take a physical before signing his July 1st free agent contractor. Doctors find that he has a sandy vagina and shelve him for the season.
One day, David Backes and Albert Pujols will combine forces to become the most awesome piece of violent force known to man.
by Donut King on Aug 10, 2009 11:22 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
… where he finds Paul Kariya with a willing ear in which to commiserate because of his similar two year injury. The two realize other common interests, retire, and move to Iowa.
Let's go Blues!!!
by Milo. on Aug 10, 2009 4:32 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Well played, Milo.
+1
One day, David Backes and Albert Pujols will combine forces to become the most awesome piece of violent force known to man.
by Donut King on Aug 10, 2009 8:36 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Against the wishes of his parents . . . but coerced by certain members of the SLGT staff . . .
Ben Eager DOES officially change his last name to Eagerforcock.
One day, David Backes and Albert Pujols will combine forces to become the most awesome piece of violent force known to man.
by Donut King on Aug 10, 2009 11:24 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
And finally . . .
every time Cristobal Huet makes a save at home, he requests the United Center entertainment coordinator to play snippets of “Power Of Love” by ‘Huet’ Lewis and the News.
(Oh Christ, that one’s awful.)
One day, David Backes and Albert Pujols will combine forces to become the most awesome piece of violent force known to man.
by Donut King on Aug 10, 2009 11:26 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Wow
Damn that’s a joke I would make….
Baltimore Blast - 6-time MISL/NISL Champions
Let's go Blues!
by UIWWildthing on Aug 10, 2009 2:32 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Again -
Huey Lewis sucks, DK.
Let's go Blues!!!
by Milo. on Aug 10, 2009 4:33 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Meh.
He’s tolerable in small doses.
One day, David Backes and Albert Pujols will combine forces to become the most awesome piece of violent force known to man.
by Donut King on Aug 10, 2009 8:37 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
As a sign that the city has moved and forgiven Steve Bartman for the fiasco in ’03, Steve is asked to drop the puck at a preseason Hawks game. The carpet laid out for him wrinkles at the boards, and as the hawks come out, Huet trips over the carpet. The players behind him, Toews, Sharp, and Kane, trip over Huet in a comedy of errors. All four players are injured, effectively ending any hope of a successful season.
Steve Bartman is never seen again. The curses of Muldoon and the Billy Goat converge and become more powerful than they ever could apart.
by NaJaKwa on Aug 10, 2009 11:33 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
- Stan Mikita’s place closes for remodeling; will reopen as a combination Tim Horton’s/Little Caesar’s.
- New head of UC security demands absolute silence during the National Anthem.
- Team plane forced down over Kansas with mechanical problems; Hawks have to bus the rest of the way to Dallas. The problem turns out to be a broken 83-cent bolt. The Curse of Dollar Bill is blamed.
by BleedBlue42 on Aug 10, 2009 11:41 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Unfortunately Stan Mikita's Donuts doesn't really exist.
I know this because I once spent about 4 hours driving around fucking Aurora looking for said fictional donut shop. We even asked several people for directions to the donut shop with the giant hockey player on the roof. One guy gave us directions to a Dunkin’ Donuts – dumbass.
Oh well, I’m sure the sugar pucks would be excellent.
"You suck but you know you suck. That's what I like about you." -Brett Hull
by hullnoates on Aug 10, 2009 4:21 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Maid Marian Hossa is discovered to have ties with the mob. It turns out he has been paid quite handsomely to throw the last two cup finals. The mob sent him to Chicago to do the same thing in next years finals. The NHL decidces to not believe this to be true saying, “Ttheres no way this is true — no one expects Chicago to make the Finals.”
by averagejoe on Aug 10, 2009 11:52 AM CDT via mobile reply actions 0 recs
Discouraged by team members’ treatment of cab drivers, Blackhawks mandate limousines must be used for any nights about town. Richard Gnida is hired to drive Kane, Toews, Kyle Beech, Duncan Keith…you get the idea.
by Poor College Student on Aug 10, 2009 12:01 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
Now that's how we do it.
www.stlouisgametime.com
by Brad Lee on Aug 10, 2009 1:05 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
The Blackhawks petition the NHL to add a stat category for team douchiness in hopes of leading the league in something. Just like in the Central Division, the ’Hawks find themselves behind the Red Wings at seasons end.
by averagejoe on Aug 10, 2009 1:01 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Patrick Sharp is busted at the Canadian border with a trunkload of B.C. Bud. Patting down “roadtrip buddy” Tank Johnson yields seven unlicensed firearms.
by BleedBlue42 on Aug 10, 2009 1:16 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
The whole entire Hawks team
gangbangs kanestwo sisters and she ends up preggo, and its quenvilles kid
"I quit because I didn't feel like the Detroit Lions had a chance to win. It just killed my enjoyment of the game."
-Barry Sanders
(Soon to be the Detroit RedWings - Henrik Zetterberg '11)
by DasBlues74 on Aug 10, 2009 1:22 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
I guess they can tell by the mustache?
by BleedBlue42 on Aug 10, 2009 1:32 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Stan Bowman fires Joel Quenneville.
When asked to replace Q, Mike Keenan says “I wouldn’t touch that abortion with Penny Marshall’s dick.”
One day, David Backes and Albert Pujols will combine forces to become the most awesome piece of violent force known to man.
by Donut King on Aug 10, 2009 1:55 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Patrick Kane senses that all is lost in his court case
and in a surprise move, brings in hotshot attorney Gordon Bombay to give the closing argument.
Gordon Bombay suddenly comes to the realization that he is a movie character and fails miserably.
by Poor College Student on Aug 10, 2009 2:06 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Looking for some veteran wisdom to pass onto the young team, Stan Bowman orchestrates a trade for Dany Heatly. Heatly celebrates his arrival by taking several of his new teammates out for a spin in his car.
by averagejoe on Aug 10, 2009 2:09 PM CDT reply actions 1 recs
That joke
is bound to crash and burn.
www.stlouisgametime.com
by Brad Lee on Aug 10, 2009 2:20 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Oh no...
I am going to hell for laughing my ass off.
by Oshie74 on Aug 10, 2009 2:56 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
We were all going to hell long before this topic.
Heck, one of favorite jokes for years has been “Vladimir Konstantinov walks into a bar”
I’ll save you a seat, Oshie74.
by Poor College Student on Aug 10, 2009 2:57 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Not to be outdone by Kane
Toews decides to have a couple of wine coolers, takes the bus, punches out the fare box when it won’t take his half-dollar coins, cusses out the bus driver when he can’t get a transfer*, then urinates in the aisle. Nobody on the bus notices.
by Mr. Particle on Aug 10, 2009 2:27 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Hey now! Let’s leave JR out of this!! :)
Ever get the feeling we are on a collision course with reality?
by ang6666 on Aug 10, 2009 2:51 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
This is the way I like to remember Roenick:
Let's go Blues!!!
by Milo. on Aug 10, 2009 5:24 PM CDT up reply actions 1 recs
Now that’s some good shit.
by Poor College Student on Aug 10, 2009 5:28 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
This might not be on the topic of "this summer," but bear with me
Patrick Kane attends the upcoming USA Hockey camp and eventually makes the team for the 2010 games.
The destruction of hotel rooms in Nagano in ‘98 is made to look like child’s play.
by Poor College Student on Aug 10, 2009 2:56 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Chris Chelios withdraws permission to use his nose’s likeness on the Hawks logo.
by BleedBlue42 on Aug 10, 2009 3:36 PM CDT reply actions 4 recs
LOL
All things Thrashers + stats: www.birdwatchersanonymous.com
by The Falconer on Aug 10, 2009 4:46 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Lookit you.
Sneaking on over here… back to your corner! ;)
Reporter: There`s a "stamp out the Beatles movement" underway in Detroit. What are you going to do about it?
Paul McCartney: We`re going to start a campaign to stamp out Detroit.
by hildymac on Aug 10, 2009 8:39 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Great.
Looks like you’re already back to school marm mode. That didn’t take long…
Let's go Blues!!!
by Milo. on Aug 11, 2009 6:15 AM CDT via mobile up reply actions 0 recs
Absolutely not.
It’s like auto-pilot. Though would it help if I dropped an f-bomb or two? You know, to create the illusion of being the “rebel teacher?”
Because I totally am. Promise. I’m wearing socks with a black woman with an afro on them that say disco queen. Shit… that’s how I rebel? God, I need it to be summer again…
Reporter: There`s a "stamp out the Beatles movement" underway in Detroit. What are you going to do about it?
Paul McCartney: We`re going to start a campaign to stamp out Detroit.
by hildymac on Aug 11, 2009 7:19 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Busted.
Thou doest protest too much.
Let's go Blues!!!
by Milo. on Aug 11, 2009 8:40 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
I do'st.
But I’m still known as the “cool social studies teacher” around here, which should give you guys an idea of who I work with.
Reporter: There`s a "stamp out the Beatles movement" underway in Detroit. What are you going to do about it?
Paul McCartney: We`re going to start a campaign to stamp out Detroit.
by hildymac on Aug 11, 2009 10:15 AM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
Marian Hossa makes his triumphant return to the ice against the Wild. During his first shift he’s hit with a wicked check that sidelines him for the rest of the year. That check is delivered by Marty Havlat.
Ironically, Havlat skates away unscathed.
I am The One Who Shall Remain Avatar-less.
by Classic17 on Aug 10, 2009 3:44 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
Havlat proceeds to tweet about it during the between-period intermission
by Poor College Student on Aug 10, 2009 3:48 PM CDT up reply actions 0 recs
THE Bulin
wall nut checks, Toews, and the cab drives two dimes he though were missing comes out of Toews mouth, further fueling the conspiracy theory that toews wants Kane gone
Pujols takes out "I" in BIG and "A" in MAC, previously considered to be an unyielding, consonant threat
by DESTROYER on Aug 10, 2009 6:07 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
After the embarassing Kane incident
… Rob Ramage is assigned as team chauffeur for all off-season activities.
.... formerly "Tim" of StLouisGameTime.com
by CrossCheckRaise on Aug 10, 2009 10:05 PM CDT reply actions 0 recs
The team makes a cameo appearance on the show “Boston Legal”
Never forget Philo T. Farnsworth
"I want to fucking break it. I want to crush you from the inside."~ Static X
"Turned into a monster I'm a motherfucker!!!" ~ Static X
"Stay away from me because I'm dancing to quit a different drum beat," - Eminem
by Carnie on Aug 11, 2009 1:36 AM CDT reply actions 0 recs
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