So you may have heard that young Hawk player Patrick Kane might be in a bit of legal trouble for allegedly assaulting a Buffalo cab driver with his cousin because he didn't have 20 cents to make perfect change. They also are accused of stealing their original fare. You can't make this kind of stuff up. Maybe Kane was trying to quiet his critics who say he doesn't play with any physicality. This should totally change his reputation.
It's been an interesting offseason for the Hawks. Quick rundown: after losing in the Conference Finals to the Red Wings, they signed in free agency one of the best players on Detroit's roster, Marian Hossa. He promptly informed the team he needs shoulder surgery and will miss the first four months of his 12-year contract that happens to be under the scrutiny of the league because there might have been some discussions with Hossa about what year in the deal he plans to retire. Oops. A bigger oops: sending qualifying officers to restricted free agents via the U.S. Mail whilst not meeting a deadline forcing the Hawks to sign the players to contracts possibly longer and more expensive than they intended. Oh, and they also fired the team president and replaced him with Scotty Bowman's son, the same Scotty Bowman who is a special advisor to the team. Seriously, I didn't make any of that shit up.
So let's have some fun. What else could happen in the next month and a half before training camp opens? Here are my ideas. Add yours in the comments.
11. Duncan Keith tears both ligaments in one knee in a freak golf cart accident.
10. Jonathan Toews makes an announcement that his last name actually rhymes with "hoes" and that Taves pronunciation bullshit was just him being pretentious in college.
9. Joel Quenneville shaves his upper lip clean. Immediately realizes he looks more like an accountant than a bad-ass hockey coach.
8. United Center announces they're only selling St. Louis style thin pizza at concession stands.
7. Jeremy Roenick admits to having a romantic affair with Michel Goulet early in his career. Granted, most people suspected this years ago.
6. The team hires Mike Keenan as a goaltender consultant.
5. Ownership bows to pressure from Native American protesters to drop the team's moniker and symbol. New name: Chicago Oprahs.
4. Dustin Byfuglien makes an announcement that his legal name is actually Dustin Playslikeshitian and that he switched because it was too hard to say by looking at it.
3. Brian Campbell announces that his father is actually the Lucky Charms leprechaun, who coincidentally hates playing defense too.
2. Marian Hossa admits the injury to his shoulder happened by lifting a Stanley Cup replica over his head 100 times a day during the playoffs as part of his practice routine.
1. Bill Wirtz comes back from the dead to run the team. And he's an improvement.
Alright people, your turn. Don't bother numbering them. Just get after it. And if this doesn't have 30 tasteless comments by lunch, my cousin and I will kick your ass for a lot less than two thin dimes.