Tuesdays With Hildy: How Much is That Coyote in the Window?

(disclaimer: I had the idea for this topic before PPP posted their own version of who to adopt.  Stop using your weird Canadian mind reading tricks on us, will you?)

We've all been there.  Kinda lonely and on our own, or maybe we want a new addition to the family that doesn't come with a tax break... we've all walked into a pet store or animal shelter looking for a new best buddy (or in my case at a wine tasting, which for the foster doggie parents is an outstanding way to trick people into adopting small horses).  The end of the regular season's like that.  We need some companionship for the next few weeks to get us through the playoffs, so we look to adopt a team.  Maybe we want one that reminds us of our own team, or maybe we want that one who keeps pushing the other ones around.  Whatever your personal taste, a good many of us will be looking to adopt a team for a while.  How do you go about choosing a Western Conference team that you can bring home?  Will they chew up the couch?  Will they crap on the floor?

Who knows, but after the jump I'll look at the eight playoff teams and then let you decide - who's worthy of taking the trip home with you?

1. San Jose Sharks:

 

  • Pros: The nice people at Fear the Fin are pretty cool with us the other 78 games of the year; the Dany Fuckin' Heatley meme just keeps giving; you get an excuse to stay up until midnight watching hockey; team's pretty good
  • Cons: Dany Fuckin' Heatley's one wonky fuckin' eye; you have to stay up until midnight to watch hockey (I hate the West Coast); team usually needs a tracheotomy after one round of hockey because they're choking

 

2.  Chicago Blackhawks

 

  • Pros: Fast; quick; if you drink enough to black out and forget who you are, they're entertaining to watch; Coach Q is still a pretty damn good coach; never can tell what horrible face captain Jonathan Toews will make in game photographs
  • Cons: Goaltenders are prone to collapse or are just generally inexperienced, making advancement questionable; goaltenders also occasionally look like serial killers; they're the Blackhawks for God's sake

 

3. Vancouver Canucks

 

  • Pros: They're named after a super badass comic book hero.  Well, maybe not super badass...
  • Cons: You feel like you need to take a shower from second hand hair grease; they kind of swept the Blues last season; the Sedin Twins creep you out; you don't want to condone the contribution of bonus money to the "Feed Kyle Wellwood" charity

 

4. Phoenix Coyotes

 

  • ProsTHROW THE SNAKE; already pissing off humorless Wings fans by mocking their team; Travis asked us to; best story in sports all year; they're playing Detroit, and a win would be an epic upset
  • Cons: Possibly inexperienced with this kind of high stakes hockey; have a history of drug endorsement (see: coyote, peyote)

 

5. Detroit Red Wings

 

  • Pros: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
  • Cons: You already know what I'm going to say, so I'll let you say it in the comments.

 

6. Los Angeles Kings:

 

  • Pros: team building model and hopeful result of the Blues' youth movement; former jerseys and color schemes are worn by Hispanic gangs, which makes you scared that if you don't root for them, they will shiv (shank?) you
  • Cons: Probably too young and inexperienced to make it far, especially against Luongo (barring meltdown, of course); Anze Kopitar is a zombie

 

7. Nashville Predators

 

  • Pros: Playing the Blackhawks; about time they win a playoff series
  • Cons: Still bitter about our record against them this season; mustard jerseys; have never won a playoff series (but are better than the BJs because they've at least won a game)

 

8. Colorado Avalanche

 

  • Pros: Their making the playoffs is a big "fuck you" to the press and pundits who picked them to finish 15th; good young talent; they hate Detroit almost as much as we do
  • Cons: They kind of kicked our asses this year; they needed to fail for us to get in, and they didn't; Craig Anderson's impending lawsuit for leering at ice girls (not filed, but you know it's a matter of time)

 

 All right then, guys - who's it gonna be?

I will, as always, be ignoring the playoffs over on Thrashing the Blues. Wooooo, draft!

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