Dear Hockey Gods,
Surely you have heard the greatest story in the NHL this season already: the Chicago Blackhawks have reached the Stanley Cup finals for the first time since 1992 and have a chance of winning the league championship for the first time since 1961. Surely you all know why this team is deserving, above all others, of winning the Cup.
But just in case, Hockey Gods, I would like to remind you of their qualifications for your consideration. You know, for why the Blackhawks should definitely win the Cup.
Marian Hossa deserves this. You know Hossa's resume. After the Pittsburgh Penguins traded for him for their playoff push and when they reached the final round they lost to the Red Wings. That summer, when he was offered a rich, long-term contract by Pittsburgh, he signed for one year for less money with Detroit because he thought they offered him his "best chance to win." The signing may have been an affront to you Hockey Gods at the time, mainly because you have a reputation for preferring team-first players and sacrifice over personal goals, but you taught him a lesson when his Wings lost to his former Pens that following season.
Of course, when he bailed on Detroit after that year and went to try to win again by signing with Chicago, that must have been different somehow. I mean, you already taught him the lesson once, right? I mean, there wouldn't be any reason to teach Marian Hossa the same lesson about committing to a team and the fans and working hard rather than chasing personal glory all around the league, right?
I mean, this must be different then the last times you taught him a lesson. Right?
Patrick Kane clearly deserves to be rewarded for being such an upstanding role model to all the little kids who look up to him. Just because the spoiled little millionaire baby man-child beat up a blue collar taxi driver over a discrepancy about 20 cents last summer really shouldn't get in the way of his march to personal glory.
Hockey Gods, you always make the right move and rewarding Patrick Kane and the rest of the Blackhawks Limo Crew with a championship must make sense on some level that is beyond us mere hockey-loving mortals if you're going to let them hold the Cup over their heads this year. We have confidence, we're sure you'll make the right choice.
Besides, if shirtless, shaved chest Kane was just maxin' and relaxin' in that limo for all the right reasons, the same must apply to fellow Limo Crew Member John Madden, right? I mean, I'm sure his wife thinks that was perfectly cool....
The Blackhawks fans really deserve this. Before two years ago and the death of Dollar Bill Wirtz, the majority of people who still attended Hawks games and admitted in public that they were Hawk fans were down-and-dirty, hardcore fans who drank too much, cursed too much, bled and sweat and cried over their franchise more than was probably deserved and were generally a fun group to watch a hockey game with. They may have deserved a Stanley Cup winner for all of their years of suffering, but they hold no candle to the droves of new Hawk fans that are filling the United Center when they don't already have tickets for a Cubs game.
For the legions of new fans, Hockey Gods, clearly you have a plan. When a large group of fans wearing tilted sideways "vintage" Hawks hats with their crisp and almost too-red jerseys with either Kane or Toews on them are willing to readily admit that "I didn't support them before a couple years ago because they were so crappy!" well, you clearly must have a plan to reward their (recent) dedication and, I guess, honesty.
Really, I guess you'll just take your cues on this one from the Baseball Gods. After all, they've known how to handle the bandwagon see-and-be-seen crowd that normally infests Wrigley Field all summer long. If they've done the right thing by baseball and those fans, I'm sure you'll do the right thing by hockey and those same fans who are now at the UC and trying to figure out why their goalie won't go get the puck when it's just sitting there in the corner.
In closing, I cannot say "Go Hawks!" for this series. Instead I will defer to your knowledge and outstanding track record and cheer only, "Go Hockey Gods!" because you know what to do.
You know what to do.