Just say TGIF to me today. Just you dare.
1. Fuck you friends. This weekend is the annual gathering of college buddies where we'll drink too much, make too much fun of each other and probably end up on the verge of hating each other by Monday morning. Along the way we're going to have a lot of laughs, but I just know I'm going to get way too little sleep because my friends are a pack of disrespectful assholes and the second you show weakness by, you know, going to sleep, they're all over your shit. So, fuck you guys in advance for all the shitty sleep I'm going to get. I just hope I don't go home with fucking binary code all over my legs in black Sharpie this year.
2. Fuck you weirdness over the captaincy. Is it too much to ask that our favorite hockey franchise just not be so fucking weird? Why is it that even the most mundane topics get blown out of proportion and then rather than just simply dealing with it, leadership makes the whole bag of shit even weirder?
Case in point is the Blues captaincy. Eric Brewer is an emotionless robot. That's just fact. He also is about the fifth-best defenseman on the team (scientific fact). He is also the captain somehow. Fans everywhere who can not agree on anything with this team almost all agree that it seems like an awful fit to have Brewer serve as team captain.
Then, when someone in the media asks an innocuous question about the seemingly emerging leadership roles of the younger players, management turns it into a non-specific defense of the Robot Captain. Easy, pardner. Go easy. The question wasn't, "When are you dipshits going to unbolt the C from Brewer's shiny metal chest and stick it on David Backes?" By jumping off on some general defense of The Man Who Was A Manila Folder you make yourself look defensive and, well, weird.
Here's your unsolicited advice for the week: Just tell the fans that Eric Brewer is a quiet leader in the locker room and on the bench. Fans will never see it, but he has the respect of the players and he is the perfect choice for captain of this team.
Until next year, anyway.
3. Fuck you, Fuck You song. The attention span of the American public is ridiculously short. A great a idea for Team Mel t-shirt just three weeks ago feels incredibly stale today. Along the same lines, I fucking get it already, Fuck You Song. It's funny because you're saying Fuck You and you're singing it in a nice way. Well done, you're very clever. How's that working out for you, by the way? Being clever, I mean.
Fine, you hit on something. But christ on a cracker, it's been, what?, a week or two already since averagejoe was on the front end of this thing? Give it a rest everyone. Yay, curse words are funny. Tell me some shit I don't alfuckingready know.
4. Fuck you, uncool cops. You know how many cool cops I've met? Tons and tons. In fact, I've met so many cool cops it's hard for me to believe that there are uncool cops. And yet, you guys keep finding me. It seems unpossible.
Can't something be done here? Cool guys, work with the other guys. You know which ones they are. Yes you do.
5. Fuck you chicken. You're just too delicious for your own good. Just not my fault.