The original theory about Ken Hitchcock was shamelessly lifted from Anne Elk's "theory about dinosaurs" so I went with something else. Yes, he's very small at the beginning, much larger in the middle and back to small at the end, but that's not the point!
I think Ken Hitchcock might be Santa Claus in disguise. Let me use the magic of "compare and contrast" to determine this theory.
Santa: Round jovial fellow
Hitchcock: Round jovial fellow
Santa: Has a full beard
Hitchcock: successfully grew a nice 'stache during Movember, but got rid of it lest he give away his cover
Santa: Gives kids an incentive to be good, thus making them do their best
Hitchcock: Gives T.J. Oshie an incentive to be good, thus making him do his best
Santa: Symbolizes old-fashioned traditions during a part of a year that features, sadly, intra-familial fighting
Hitchcock: Loves Civil War history that also features, sadly, intra-familial fighting
Santa: Works with Elves
Santa: From a far off mythical place where it snows all the time called "The North Pole"
Hitchcock: From a far off mythical place where it snows all the time called "Edmonton," which is actually Canadian for "The North Pole, or at least it feels like it, eh?"
Santa: Has a team of eight tiny reindeer pulling his sleigh with names like "Dasher" and "Prancer"
Hitchcock: Has a team of eight burly defensemen with names like "Sir Barrett Jackman, Esq." and "Shattenkirk"
Santa: Has a special reindeer named Rudolph
Hitchcock: Has a "special" pantsless blue rat named Louie
Santa: Gives out presents to kids
Hitchcock: Gives out wins to fans
Santa: Often a cause of post-Christmas depression when you don't get what you want for a present
Hitchcock: Could be a cause of post-All Star Game depression if his second line doesn't get motivated
Based on these comparisons, I can safely say we've got Santa Claus for a coach and his name is Ken Hitchcock.