how the checkz stole hockey by dr. sue us
Down in Bluu-ville
Liked hockey a lot...
But the Checkz,
Who lived Southwest of Bluu-ville,
The Checkz hated hockey! The whole hockey season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that he thought basketball was right.
It could be perhaps that his leadership was a fright.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
may have been that his wallet was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason,
Towerbrook or round twos,
He stood there on hockey night, hating the Bluus,
Staring down from his box with a sour, Checky frown
At the goal lighted glow for the visiting town.
For he knew every Bluu down in Bluu-ville beneath
Was busy now, watching in great disbelief.
"And they're hanging their heads!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is the playoffs! They’re practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Checkz fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep hockey from coming!"
For, next season, he knew...
...All the Bluu fans and the whole Bluu squad
Would wake up hungover. They'd give thanks to God!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Bluus, young and old, after play quite murky.
They would drink! And they'd drink!
And they'd DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
They would start on Bluu-Bud-Lite, and rare Bluu-Wild-Turkey
Which was something the Checkz couldn't stand ‘cos he’s jerky!
They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every Bluu down in Bluu-ville, the large and the small,
Would stand close together, with goal sirens bleering.
They'd stand and high five. And the Bluus would start cheering!
They'd cheer! And they'd cheer!
AND THEY’D CHEER! CHEER! CHEER! CHEER!
And the more the Checkz thought of the Bluu-Scoring-Cheer
The more the Checkz thought, "I must stop this next year!
"Why for forty-four years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop goals from coming!
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Checkz laughed out with glee.
And he made a quick jot and released TJ Oshie
and he chuckled, and clucked, "Watch them all beat-ya!
"This offseason I’ll just sign me Demitra!"
"All I need is a scapegoat..."
The Checkz looked around.
But since Brewer was traded, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Checkz...?
No! The Checkz simply said,
"If I can't find a scapegoat, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his coach Davis. Then he took some red ink
And he tied both his hands making Payne sink.
He loaded his pockets
and he put us on sale
while he ignored every injury
Just to make sure they’d fail.
Then the Checkz said, "Game ON!"
And the team started down
toward the bottom where the Bluus
Lay a-hoping in town.
But their team was quite bad. Quiet play filled the air.
The powerplay again lacked its much needed flair
And goaltending, shorthanded, just wasn’t quite there.
"This is game number one," The old Checky man hissed
And his team ran around, the net always missed.
Then they slid down to last. In a budget tight wreck.
But if Wertz used to do it, then so could the Checkz.
He got wins every once, for a moment or two.
Then the team went back to scoring too few.
There were little Bluu losses all strung in a row.
"These playoffs," he grinned, "are again a no- go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with smile gold filled,
Around the whole arena, and dumped everyone skilled!
Johnsons! And MacDonalds! Masons! Silent Jays!
Our Shooters! Checkers! And makers of plays!
He sent them all away. Then the Checkz, very nimbly,
loaded up on excuses, one by one, very Flimsbly!
Then he slunk to the Salt Lake with all the Bluus' joy!
He took the Bluu-pride! (But he left us towel boy!)
He cleaned out that locker room as quick as he could.
Why, that Checkz even took our last cracked Sher-wood!
Then he rebuffed all the fans via J.D. his voice box.
"And NOW!" grinned the Checkz, "I will sell off the whole schlock!"
And the Checkz grabbed him an agent, and he started to shill
When he heard a small bid from Stillman’s large till.
He stopped taking bids, and he got a small room!
He put down the papers, but Tom saw the doom.
The Checkz had been caught by this little Bluus disaster
So he went back home with the deal still unmastered
a fan stared at the Checkz and said, "Owner man, why,
"Why are you killing our favorite team? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Checkz was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little fan," the fake owner man lied,
"The investors on pricing just will not let me slide.
"So I'm putting the team on the block, my dear.
"That’ll fix it with everyone and I’m sure it will stay here."
And his fib fooled the fan. Then he patted his pockets
And he dashed to pawn stars to see if parking he could hock-it.
And when Every-Man Bluu went to bed with no cup,
HE went to the Bettman and boxed the team up!
And the last thing he took
Was the light for their lamp.
Then he went down the road himself, the old vamp.
On the arena he left honored numbers, but nary a champ.
And the one speck of dream
The he left in the place
Was a dream that we would, next year, be in a real race.
He did the same thing
To our other Bluu's dreams
Much too small
to field any Bluu’s teams!
It was nearly half a century done...
All the Bluus, still a-dread
All the Bluus, still a-coma
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their hopes! Their support! Their good will!
The history! And the famers! The beginnings! The money till!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Saskatoon,
He went to the place that’ll be a new arena soon!
"Pooh-pooh to the Bluus!" he was Checkz -ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no cup is forthcoming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the Bluus down in Bluu-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Checkz,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Checkz put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the ice.
It started in low. But it sounded quite nice...
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this was a merry din!
Hand-in hand every fan would begin!
In perfect harmony all together "when the Bluu’s go marching in! "
He stared down at Bluu-ville!
The Checkz popped his mind!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking find!
Every Bluu down in Bluu-ville, the large and the small,
Was singing! Without any scoring at all!
He HADN'T stopped hockey from coming!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Checkz, with Checkz -feet ice-cold up there,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be fair?
It came without players! It came without bucks!
"It came without ESPN, Stanley’s or pucks!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Checkz thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe hockey," he thought, "doesn't come from some dollars.
"Maybe hockey...perhaps...is just a bit more blue-collared!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Bluu-ville they say
That the Checkz’ small wallet
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart wanted a team that would cook,
He got cut off mid signing by our friends Towerbrook
And he was brought back to earth! And the fans he did ream!
The Checkz shipped off the fan’s team
here is hoping i dont have to dig this out again in 6 years and change only 10 words