Wednesday Links: Ty Conklin's Glowstick Rave Edition

I don’tt know. Let’s see if Chris Hansen has an opinion about it!

It was a diss piece called “C Is For Cockholster.” Apparently Cookie Monster believed that Elmo had something to do with his being put on a diet that consisted of primarily vegetables, a contract requiring him to sing “A Cookie Is A Sometime Food” and “O Is For Organic Free-Range Fair-Trade Cruelty-Free Flavor-Will-Make-You-Fat-You-Corpulent-Blue-Area-Rug Tofu.” (The second song never got recorded for some reason) and finally, being sent to the Dr. Oz show for the episode “Screw Your Unique Monster Metabolism That Gets All It Needs From Cookies, You’re Eating Vegetables And Liking It, Dammit.”

In the 15-minute piece, Cookie Monster describes in graphic detail what he’s going to do to the little red usurper. Before the piece was aired publically, it was focus-group tested on a randomly-selected group of prisoners from San Quentin and Tamms prisons in California and Illinois, respectively. Both groups gave reviews that boiled down to “Cookie Monster is very angry and what he describes made all of us physically ill and emotionally upset.” Apparently 95% of the inmates viewing the video cried like little children and vomited at the same time. The other 5% vomited, then cried. All are seeking damages against their respective state prison systems due to violations of the 8th Amendment.

In summary, do not anger Cookie Monster. His anger can only be stopped by David Backes, and that’s only if The Future Blues Captain thinks it’s enough of an existential threat.

Either that or maybe that wasn’t printer toner that I just freebased…