Tuesday Links: Cam Janssen and the Golden Octopus Edition
Blues News
- SB Nation St. Louis breaks down yesterday's "sleeper" article point by point. [SBN STL]
- If you haven't seen CCR's fanpost regarding Cam Janssen's going away party, you should check it out. [SLGT]
- Jaroslav Halak won a golden puck at his brother's wedding for being Slovakia's best goaltender. At least, I hope that's what the article says. [Google Translated Slovak News]
- Danny Syvret signed a two-way contract with the Blues. Apparently, he deserves more respect, but I've never heard of him until now. [SB Nation Philly]
NHL/Hockey News
- Remember when Sean Avery called Andy MacDonald an "arrogant little midget?" Lolz. [The Province]
- Chris Pronger hopes to be recuperated for the opener. Doesn't this off-season injury thing happen to him, like... every year? [USA Today]
- Brad Richards looks to be the next captain of the Rangers this season. [Crash the Crease]
- The Blues are the "sleeper," but the San Jose Sharks are the favorite. [Puck Daddy]
- A recap of all the shit-talkin' that has been goin' on the last few days. [Too Many Men on the Site]
- The Predators made a depth signing Jack Hillen (who?) to a two-way contract. [Washington Post]
- The BJs are re-tooled. Heh... BJs. Heh... "tool." [NHL]
- The RDO camp is back, yo. It's time for the league to experiment with itself. [NHL]
Other Stuff
- Hardcore Duck Crossing. [Tosh.0]
- From the creators of "Steve Buschemeyes" comes "Hot Chicks With Michelle Bachmann Eyes." [Buzz Feed]
- 5 Marketing Disasters. [Cracked]
Tuesday Video
CCR and I are in a science-y mood.
gametimelinks AT gmail DOT com
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Someone's gonna see the words "Michelle Bachmann" and be all "AVAST!"
And I’m gonna be all “Click the link first, ass.”
Fight Club writer for the print edition of St. Louis Game Time . . . I need another beer.
The Throwdown Lowdown Report, only on The Bluenote Zone.
And I can also write things in 140 characters or fewer.
If I learned one thing from Tropic Thunder
It’s never go Full Retard
Baltimore Blast - 6-time MISL/NISL Champions
Let's go Blues!
Is it significant, d'ya think, that the only one those eyes looked at all ''natural'' on...
…was that worthless slut Ke$ha?
"If we do not prepare for ourselves the role of the hammer, there will be nothing left but that of the anvil."
-- Otto von Bismarck, 1851
http://futurenotes.blogspot.com
by Tomorrows Blues on Aug 9, 2011 10:44 PM CDT up reply actions
That cephalopod video
was great.
Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records.
It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all. Laura Ingalls Wilder
I would’ve thought your hatred of Detroit and their Octopi would’ve made you hate all cephalopods
Hell on Ice/In Lou We Trust/Twitter
Talking toilet, you may call me Jane.
by Kevin Sellathamby on Aug 9, 2011 1:29 PM CDT up reply actions
Just because we hate them
doesn’t mean we can’t appreciate the survival adaptations of lesser creatures. Both the adaptive camouflage of cephalopods and the Red Wings Fan’s capacity for survival in uninhabitable wastelands (Detroit) are miracles of evolution. They should both be studied by scientists so that humans can make use of their abilities.
by PersonalJustice on Aug 9, 2011 2:30 PM CDT up reply actions
Yeah, but here's the thing.
For all their supposed smartness, the octopi get caught and sent to Detroit and don’t escape. For that matter, neither do Red Wings fans in Detroit. If we’re studying them, it should be what not to do to survive.
Let's Go Blues!
Support your local NAHL team. Seriously.
by Paperwork Ninja on Aug 9, 2011 3:09 PM CDT up reply actions
Octopi get a bad rep.
No octopus in history has ever thrown itself onto the ice.
Blaming octopi for the idiocy of Wing Tard is like blaming thousands of abandoned houses for having been built in Detroit.
I now need to write a short story about this.
“Billy, the Suicidal Octopus Who Loved Hockey”
Let's Go Blues!
Support your local NAHL team. Seriously.
by Paperwork Ninja on Aug 9, 2011 3:23 PM CDT up reply actions 2 recs
''Billy, the Suicidal Octopus Who Loved Hockey''

"If we do not prepare for ourselves the role of the hammer, there will be nothing left but that of the anvil."
-- Otto von Bismarck, 1851
http://futurenotes.blogspot.com
by Tomorrows Blues on Aug 9, 2011 10:49 PM CDT up reply actions
All right, story time. "Billy, the Suicidal Octopus Who Loved Hockey"
Once upon a time there was an octopus named Billy. He spent most of his days in the Straits of Juan de Fuca, though every so often he’d find himself drifting to Vancouver up north or Seattle down south. And every time he’d find himself in front of a waterside bar where he could see the patrons watching a hockey game.
The speed! The brilliant tactics thought up on the fly! The most dextrous use of inflexible endoskeletal non-tentacle manipulators to put a puck in a net! Billy watched all these things and became sad. No one in the hockey game would ever want a boneless cephalopod for a teammate. Every night he crept up the side of the dock to watch a game, and every night he floated back to his home with the sad realization that the NHL’s only use for an octopus was in a bizarre sacrificial ritual in the faraway and possibly mythical land of “Detroit.” No one ever said that octopi were any better at geography than most high school students, and Billy wasn’t really much of a map enthusiast. So every night after the he’d just float in his little octopus hovel at the bottom of the Straits of Juan de Fuca and try drinking himself into an early grave with whatever was available. As his tiny liver grew harder and harder, Billy realized that if he couldn’t play hockey, he should just curl up and die.
Well, one night during his ever-more-frequent blackouts induced by chugging cans of Sterno, Billy felt a strange hand grab him from his hovel… wait, no, he’d woken up in a fishtank again at the market. “Oh yeah, this one’ll do real good,” he heard a guttural and clearly-uneducated voice yell out.
“Derrrrrryyeah, we just got dat one in last night from the West Coast. He throws real good, I bet,” said another voice.
Throw? Why would these people throw Billy? He’d done nothing to them.
“Ya think he’s gonna keep until I get ta Joe Louis tonight?” said the first voice with the grabby hands.
Joe Louis? Oh no! Billy had heard that name before! It was where they sacrificed an octopus to the Hockey Gods!
“I WANT TO LIVE! I WANT TO LIVE! RELEASE ME FROM YOUR HIDEOUS ENDOSKELETAL BONDAGE! SAVE ME, GREAT CTHULHU!” Billy screamed in his squeaky little octopus language of clicking beak and changing skin colors.
“Aw hey look! That octopus is goin’ all crazy colors on us!” the second voice said. “I hope he keeps that up during the game.”
No! No! Billy wanted to watch hockey, to play hockey with the friends he was sure he’d make in a rec league, not to die for it! It wasn’t fair!
Suddenly, he noticed that the plastic bag that held him and his dwindling supply of life-giving oxygenated salt water wasn’t closed completely. He could escape just by squeezing his body through it. He would be free! Soon he would escape from the death sentence that was Detroit! He wriggled and contracted his skin and moved his tentacles through the opening.
“Aw wait! He’s tryin’ ta escape!” the second voice said.
Yes! Billy was going to escape! He was- oh no. Billy forgot that due to his rock-solid liver he couldn’t squeeze through every opening anymore! Now that he wanted to live and escape and make his way home, the one reminder of his attempt at slow suicide was now to seal his doom! Oh, cruel irony! Oh, cruel fate! Oh, cruel- never mind, he just managed to fish the half-pint of Richard’s Wild Irish Rose out of the one guy’s coat pocket. He unscrewed the cap and drank deeply of the rotgut.
“Damn octopus stole my liquor!” the first voice said. The second voice just laughed.
Poor Billy was so lit by the time the hockey game ended, he didn’t even realize that he was flying through the air until the first draft of cold air met him over the glass of the rink. He crawled mightily across the ice, but in the end he could do nothing but expire quickly and messily, inking all over the ice.
His earthly remains were picked up in a shovel and dumped into a plastic bag. It wasn’t a fitting burial for man or beast, but for one brief shining moment, Billy’s messy panicked death brought happiness to thousands of other people just like Billy, people who were trapped in situations beyond their comprehension, trapped in a never-ending spiral of self-loathing and humiliation, trapped in the mythical land called “Detroit.” Oh well, at least he could take comfort in telling his fellow cephalopods in the Cephalopod Afterlife about how awesome it was to watch someone else do all the hard work and how awesome it was that Great Cthulhu signed a pact with this team and no one else’s. For all his attempts to be relevant, though, for all of his successes in octopus school and octopus college, he still wound up drunk, confused and in Detroit.
Yes, in the end, Billy understood what it meant to be a Red Wings fan.
Let's Go Blues!
Support your local NAHL team. Seriously.
by Paperwork Ninja on Aug 10, 2011 10:21 AM CDT up reply actions 6 recs
There are not enough rec's I can give this
Make this green people! Make. This. Green.
Baltimore Blast - 6-time MISL/NISL Champions
Let's go Blues!
by UIWWildthing on Aug 10, 2011 11:24 AM CDT up reply actions
I can't wait for the sequel...
… where Cthulhu rises up out of the Detroit River to destroy the city that murdered Billy.
Although he’ll probably look around, think “Damn, someone beat me to it”, and slink back to Lake Erie to set the Cleveland waterfront on fire again.
by BleedBlue42 on Aug 10, 2011 11:41 AM CDT up reply actions
Amazing.
My God you would write an amazing novel. Might have to make a pop up book for dem people in Detroit though…
"Sausage and fish tacos for everybody!!!"
by mizzleforizzle on Aug 10, 2011 11:53 AM CDT up reply actions
This needs to be in every issue of ''Game Time'' vs. Detroit, from now 'til the end of days...
Great Cthulhu hath spoken.

"If we do not prepare for ourselves the role of the hammer, there will be nothing left but that of the anvil."
-- Otto von Bismarck, 1851
http://futurenotes.blogspot.com
by Tomorrows Blues on Aug 10, 2011 12:41 PM CDT up reply actions
If they think it's worthy of printing
I won’t stop ‘em. Just make sure credit’s given where due is all.
Let's Go Blues!
Support your local NAHL team. Seriously.
by Paperwork Ninja on Aug 10, 2011 6:12 PM CDT up reply actions
I have found my kid's bedtime story
Baltimore Blast - 6-time MISL/NISL Champions
Let's go Blues!
by UIWWildthing on Aug 10, 2011 8:10 PM CDT up reply actions
Totally OT
But is it normal for a parent to freak out that their kid is starting middle school (7th grade)?
I just got home from taking Bryce to get his schedule/locker at school. Thankfully it’s him doing all the walking
from one end of the school to the other 4 times.
I came home with a bazillion questions and he’s just ‘Mom, I’ll figure it out’
Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records.
It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all. Laura Ingalls Wilder
I wish I could help you out...
…but unless our cats begin to go to middle school I’ll have no idea.
(I’m guessing its pretty normal though.)
Not at all.
He’s growing up and being “independent” now. Your reaction is normal and probably similar to when he started kindergarten.
He’ll figure it out, and you will too.
Middle school is really tough, just be there for him. In the middle schools I’ve volunteered a lot of parents aren’t there at all.
LOL
When he went to kindergarten I was ‘yessssss, only one for the whole day’.
When the second went to kindergarten I was ’I’m free, whooohoooo’
I don’t consider myself a smothering mother and try not to embarrass him. As he was sitting and reading all the stuff
that got sent home he came to me with a list and asked if we could go back to school.
He had thought of lots of questions and wanted answers I didn’t have.
So we went back. I’m such a good mommy (guilt-guilt except when I wasn’t there when he broke his arm a few weeks ago).
Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records.
It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all. Laura Ingalls Wilder
Totally normal...
As Hartigan says, just be there for him… but don’t be clingy. In the world of middle school, nothing will cause a kid to be ostracized faster than having his mom always around.
"If we do not prepare for ourselves the role of the hammer, there will be nothing left but that of the anvil."
-- Otto von Bismarck, 1851
http://futurenotes.blogspot.com
by Tomorrows Blues on Aug 9, 2011 4:00 PM CDT up reply actions
Thanks guys
I thought it was supposed to get easier.
Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records.
It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all. Laura Ingalls Wilder
However...
If someone bullies him, run the kid and his parents over with a stolen car. They’ll never suspect you.
I learned that from Courage Wolf.
Let's Go Blues!
Support your local NAHL team. Seriously.
by Paperwork Ninja on Aug 9, 2011 7:27 PM CDT up reply actions
Oh Jaro (and oh, Google Translate):
“I’m glad I won the Golden Puck and defended last year’s leadership. This victory surprised me, because last season I did not work wholly according to your wishes.”
Next in the Nate the Great mystery series: Nate the Great searches for a free-agent forward who doesn't blow dicks.

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