A day in the life of Gary Bettman

Bruce Bennett - Getty Images

Gary Bettman pictured here with the entire Gary Bettman Fan Club.

With the lockout now raging on, HBO executives are worried that they won't produce a 24/7 series around this year's Winter Classic. So they've hedged their bets with alternative programming. None of the players are available for filming because of the lockout, so HBO has followed around Gary Bettman instead. The following is a summary of what HBO cameras caught on film.

7:30 am - Gary wakes up. Gets out of his race car bed and changes out of his Aquaman jammies. Of course Gary would like Aquaman. Aquaman is lame as shit and no one likes him. He talks to fish? What a lame ass super power. In comparison to Aquaman, those Stan Lee all star things must look really cool to Gary.

8:00 am - Gary notices a bowl of Cap'n Crunch on the table. "Mom! I only eat Crunch Berries!" he yells. He refuses to eat the Cap'n Crunch, then dumps the rest of the box in the toilet so no one else can eat them either.

8:12 am- Gary's puppy walks up to him. Gary kicks the puppy. "I love kicking puppies."

8:30 am - Gary walks to Starbucks to get an Iced Mocha. Locked out Islanders and Rangers fourth liners work as baristas. For some reason, they always write "Asshole" on the side of his cup instead of Gary. Oh, well. At least the Islanders are good at something, even if it's making mochas.

8:47 am - Gary sees a baby in a stroller and rips candy out of the baby's hand. Then he tips the stroller over.

9:02 am - Gary arrives at NHL headquarters and climbs the stepladder at the end of the conference table to address the owners.

9:05 am - Calls Donald Fehr on the conference phone and hangs up when he answers. The table laughs hysterically. Gary repeats this for another hour.

10:05 am - Finally gets a hold of Fehr. "Hey, Don. Uh, are you guys willing to cave in to all our demands? You're not? Ok, well, I don't think there's any point in meeting for another two weeks."

10:45 am - Gary heads over to Bill Daly's office. "How did the morning press interviews go? Did you take my advice and answer all questions with an extra dose of abrasiveness? You told them we're working hard 24/7 to make a fair deal? LOL, Billy. Great work."

11:00 am - Gary heads out to lunch. Grilled toddler tastes so good medium rare.

1:00 pm- Heads back to the office. Sees a homeless guy along the way wearing a BizNasty shirt. Gary tips his shopping cart into the street.

1:15 pm - Checks email. Deletes all emails from Donald Fehr without reading. But before logging off, something catches his eye. "There's something that will make my penis bigger?!" CLICK!

2:00 pm - Addresses the media condescendingly as if they're second graders asking when recess begins.

2:01 pm - Twitter blows up with something moronic Gary just said. Jet fuel and massages are trending worldwide.

3:00 pm - Gary returns to the office. His mom left a voicemail reminding him to eat the snack she packed him and to take a nap.

3:14 pm - Gary sulks because his mom packed raisins. He hates raisins.

3:20 pm - Nap time.

4:00 pm - Gary wakes up from his nap. Time to see what NBA games are on later tonight.

5:00 pm - Time to go home. He hails a cab. Patrick Kane pulls up in a Yellow Cab. "Ironic lockout job, eh?" Gary says.
"Hey, driving is the only thing Jonathon Toews can't do better than me."

6:00 pm - Gary calls up Alan Eagleston. "Just thinking about old times, buddy. It was so much easier to negotiate deals when you were around. Hey, want to light firecrackers in people's mailboxes tonight?"

7:00 pm - Gary squeals with excitement. Pretty Little Liars is on! He stops playing with his Hot Wheels and hops on the couch.

7:06 pm - "GAAAARY! Take out the trash!"
"But Mooooom! Pretty Little Liars is on!"
"Gary Bruce Bettman, if you don't take out the trash, I will take away your xBox controller!"
Gary takes out the trash but stomps his feet the whole time.

8:30 pm - "GAAAARY! That was Mrs. Fehr on the phone...did you call Donald and hang up for him for an hour this morning?! You'd better apologize to him young man!"

9:00 pm - Gary retires early to bed. With the lockout going on, how can he sleep at night? The answer is by reading Twilight and watching Here Comes Honey Boo Boo episodes. He has no soul.

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