Imagining The St. Louis Blues as Squirts

Hockey players are cool. Even little hockey players. What do you think the Blues were like when they were little kids?

Sometimes when we've been sitting around thinking about hockey too much, or we're waiting around too long for the next home game or when we're supposed to be working, but it's Friday and it's nice out and working is kinda lame, we have weird ideas.

Like this one. Take this current crop of Blues players and think what they were like back when they were little punks playing on a Squirt team. When they were nine or ten years old and already playing pretty well and starting to grow their personalities, what were they like? What if they were all on the same team back then? What would they be like?

Here's a guess or two....

David Perron - Every team has one kid who will never. Shut. Up. He's constantly talking; in the locker room before practice, all throughout practice, chirping opponents all game and wanting to talk about every shift with his teammates as soon as it's over. His teammates tell him to shut up, of course, but he either doesn't hear them or is powerless to stop himself. Plus, the kid has sick hands, so they let it go.

Kent Huskins - The coaches are constantly stopping practice and pointing this kid out as someone who works hard and cares more than everyone else. The other kids are all wondering why that is more important than being able to skate, shoot or make a pass that isn't three feet high and off the glass.

T.J. Oshie - This is the kid wearing the t-shirt under his uniform that says something hilarious and completely inappropriate. He also knows where the big party is this weekend. And he's only 9.

B.J. Crombeen - His dad was an NHLer, so everyone knows the kid has skills and knowledge. But he also has the best stories and the dirtiest jokes, too, so he's a team favorite. Even though they have no idea what a "reach around" is or why it's funny.

Alex Pietrangelo - His whole family comes to every practice and every game and sits in the stands cheering in their team sweatshirts with Alex's number on the back and "Alex's Dad" and "Alex's Mom" and "Alex's Sis" on them. They all then pile into the minivan together and drive off to go get a hamburger and a shake. Sometimes he's a little late because he just came from his Boy Scouts meeting.

Matt D'Agostini - He has a wicked shot, but he needs someone to set him up all the time. Oshie and Crombeen started a rumor that he's in the mob, so everyone is worried about it, but none of them are old enough to see The Godfather (except that Oshie and Crombeen have anyway), so they really have no idea what they're worried about.

Chris Stewart - Some games he loves hockey and destroys everyone. Next game he's rolling his eyes at the coach and barely paying attention. And yet he's always on the second line because you never know.

Ryan Reaves - This is the kid who is so big that other kids try to check him and wind up bumping off him and wrecking into the boards. The parents of all the other teams always make the joke that, "I saw that kid at the snack bar eating a whole pizza and drinking a beer." And then that actually happens.

Ian Cole - This is the kid who goes to the smart kid school and yet always takes the dumbest penalties.

Kevin Shattenkirk - He's pretty sure he's going to the party with Oshie this weekend. And he's only 6. Also, he had a goal and two assists today, so coach isn't going to make him turn his hat around so the brim is in the front.

Scott Nichol - Scotty Nichol is so tiny he has been wearing the same pair of skates for three years. He hasn't ever scored a goal, but when the team is losing and the coach yells, "Who wants to go hit somebody?" Nichol immediately goes out and runs the biggest kid on the other team.

Chris Porter - When the coaches keep talking about how much Huskins cares, the kids are all looking are Porter, who can do nothing except shrug his shoulders.

Jaroslav Halak - This kid is weird as shit, but he's wearing his special hat and eating that weird fruit he likes, so he'll probably have a good game. No one is allowed to talk to him.

Brian Elliott - he isn't really interested in hearing your coaching advice, but if you know where that party Oshie is going to is, leave him a note in his locker.

Kris Russell - he's the only kid who makes sure his hair is coming out of his helmet the right way before the team leaves the locker room. Also, everyone knows the coach loves this kid for some reason, so he's never out against a matchup that can make him look bad. He's also a twin, which makes people uneasy.

Jason Arnott - You know what every coach likes? A really serious kid who is at the rink two hours early, dressed 30 minutes early and telling the other kids to shut up about the stupid party 10 minutes early. The other kids hate him before games and after games, but during the game, he's the coolest kid on the team.

Jamie Langenbrunner - You know how every bulldog in the cartoons has a yippy little dog that follows him around? The Legend is Arnott's Chihuahua and the other kids on the team know it. They might all be kids, but the serious kids are only cool during the games.

Barret Jackman - There's always one kid who has to have a certain number and has to be the last kid on the ice and is kind of a dick. And then he motors the big kid who is crosschecking you in the corner and you're like, "I like that angry quiet kid."

Patrik Berglund - The team lets him pick the pre-game music once and then are like, "Why did we let the kid wearing the skinny tie pick the music? We're nine years old? Who wears a tie?"

Alexander Steen - His dad was an NHLer, just like Crombeen, except that instead of telling kids dirty jokes and explaining really advanced sex techniques totally wrong, he has girlfriends. Like actual girlfriends. Who come to the games and sit in the stands wearing makeup and holding up signs for him. He's 10 and they're all driving to the rink. He's almost too cool to be on the team.

Andy McDonald - He's the fastest kid on the team, but Cheese And Rice, kid, those passes are a little freakin' hard. I'm NINE! How am I supposed to take that pass?

Vladimir Sobotka - No one wants to do the puck battle drills with that weird little alien. Plus, that kid always has his shirt off.

Carlo Colaiacovo - This kid always seems to get more icetime than he should, but he's popular amongst the group because he doesn't care when people make fun of him. Or he doesn't get the joke. Once hurt himself because as he was trying to leave the locker room, he stepped in his own bag, fell and something broke.

Roman Polak - Once hit a kid so hard his birdcage facemask blew off his helmet. Wicked bad farts. Laughs hard at everyone's jokes and then says, "I don't get it." Everyone loves this kid.

David Backes - This kid is a coaches' favorite and, even worse, all the other parents love this kid too. "Boy, that little Davey Backes had a good game." "Jeez, that Backes kid sure plays hard." "You know, that Backes boy never gives up on a play, does he?" The kids are tired of hearing about him, but they're also a little scared of him too. He never smiles or lets down his guard. And then one day before a faceoff, he gives a kid a nod. Or after a good shift he pats a kid on the head. Or he says, "Nice play" to a kid. And then they love him. And will go through a wall for him.

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