Whether you want to or not, it's time to learn how to hate these bastards the RIGHT way.
We at St. Louis Game Time are very quick on the trigger against teams that oppose our Local Six. So now that we know the St. Louis Blues will be facing the San Jose Sharks in the first round, why not create a guide explaining why we should hate every damn one of these players? Yeah, let's do that.
Remember 2000? Remember 2004? I remember both. It is SO on like Donkey Kong.
Here's a hate guide that includes every man currently on the Sharks roster, why we should hate him, and a salutation . . . embrace the hatred, let it fuel you and be your guiding spirit:
- Ryane Clowe: Sure, he's a native of Newfoundland and a wide-body that isn't afraid of getting his nose dirty . . . but there's this thing he did with his stick to a puck while he was sitting on the bench. Derp Newf. Fuck you, Clowe.
- Logan Couture: He looks like he could be the mascot of my beloved Denver Broncos. There's a reason the Fear The Fin cats call him "Teeth". That's because his face is comprised of nothing BUT teeth. Fuck you, Couture.
- Andrew Desjardins: He plays hockey and wears number 69. He is not playing left tackle for a National Football League team. Fuck you, Desjardins.
- Benn Ferriero: There's only one ‘N' in "Ben", Benn. Just go by "Benjamin" next time, or Benny or some shit. Fuck you, Ferriero.
- TJ Galiardi: The trade that brought him to San Jose pretty much helped the Sharks tank to the point where they are playing the Blues in the first round. Fuck you, Galiardi.
- Michal Handzus: Former Blues player never won a Cup with the Blues. Also, I thought he retired, like, five years ago. And as I would point out to Hartigan, he's older than me. Fuck you, Handzus.
- Martin Havlat: Former Blackhawk. The bastard
even WON A CUP with those fuckers up northwell, he played for them. That's all. Fuck you, Havlat.
- Patrick Marleau: Boring as shit, but despite this was somehow was the Captain of this team for a while. Thought of as soft come playoff time. Fuck you, Marleau.
- Torrey Mitchell: Take a look at his NHL bio sometime. He kinda looks like a rat with that face of his. Fuck you, Mitchell.
- Dominic Moore: He's been pretty much a hired gun for two straight playoff teams, last year with Tampa and now with San Jose. Other than that, I can't really say anything bad about him, but whatever. Fuck you, Moore.
- Joe Pavelski: He's their best player, in my mind. But there's only room on the ice for one Captain America, and that's David Backes. So yeah. Fuck you, Pavelski.
- James Sheppard: I barely know who this dude is. Fuck you, Sheppard.
- Joe Thornton: A jumbo piece of shit for that hit on David Perron last year. Also, he only recently figured out how to play well in the playoffs. Also won an Olympic gold medal for Team Canada over the US in 2010. Fuck you, Thornton.
- Brad Winchester: Only figured out how to use his size once Scott Mellanby showed him how to do it. Used to get his ass kicked regularly in fights where the opponent was smaller than him. Middle name is "Fucking". Fuck you, Winchester.
- Tommy Wingels: A native of Evanston, Illinois. For those of you uninformed, that is . . . 1) a suburb of Chicago, and 2) the home of Northwestern University, who I'm obligated to despise as an Illinois fan. Fuck you, Wingels.
- Daniel Winnik: Charlie Sheen jokes are so last year. Duh. Fuck you, Winnik.
- Dan Boyle: He was also a member of the Team Canada team that won the 2010 Olympic gold. That's really all I can say bad about him. Fuck you, Boyle.
- Justin Braun: His name resembles that of Ryan Braun too much for me to believe he doesn't also wear Ed Hardy t-shirts and look like a douchebag. Fuck you, Braun.
- Brent Burns: He used to be a real asshole when he played for the Minnesota Wild. I don't know what happened to him since, but I don't like it. Fuck you, Burns.
- Jason Demers: There was so much talk when he was called up about how to pronounce his name. A name like Demers shouldn't be that Goddamn difficult to pronounce. Fuck you, Demers.
- Douglas Murray: His father is Canadian but apparently was not good enough for the NHL, so he high-tailed it to Sweden and became a legend. So Murray is technically Swedish, even though he's Canadian. That's too Goddamn confusing. Fuck you, Murray.
- Jim Vandermeer: He used to get his ass kicked by Cam Janssen on a regular basis. I mean, that's fucking hilarious, isn't it? Fuck you, Vandermeer.
- Marc-Edouard Vlasic: Nicknamed "Pickle" because of that last name of his, I really can't point out anything awful about him. But I like pickles. Fuck you, Vlasic.
- Colin White: Probably won't play in this series because, well, he's kinda sucked ass this year. Fuck you, White.
- Thomas Greiss: He's German. They call him the "Meth Squirrel" over at Fear The Fin because he's squirrelly and he looks like he's on meth. If he's playing in this series, the Sharks are in deep, DEEP shit. Fuck you, Greiss.
- Antti Niemi:
Like Havlat, Niemi won a Cup with the Blackhawks. That's all I really need. Fuck you, Niemi.
Be sure to distribute this accordingly with other fellow Blues fans that otherwise would not see this. Everyone needs to learn to hate opponents come playoff time, and being that our boys have been out of the playoffs for many of recent years, it seems many of our brethren have forgotten over the years what that truly means. Let's do this shit right.
I enjoy the company of our friends at Fear The Fin, but that will have to take a back seat for the next four to seven games. Sorry, gang. This is business.
Fuck San Jose.