"Geez, they weren't kidding when they said the Caps choke worse than us."
History hasn't been kind to us in the past against the Sharks. In 1999-2000, Jamal Mayers bleach striped his eyebrows, Marc Bergevin threw the puck in his goal, and Owen Nolan scored from Belleville. For the most part, the Sharks have beaten the Blues like a government mule in the playoffs, taking two of the past three series.
But in this era of technology, we have a powerful tool at our disposal: Twitter. In fact, it's scientifically proven that teams with better smack talkers on Twitter propel their team to victory 100 percent of the time. So I'm here to prepare Blues fans for the arduous twitter war that lies ahead. We are going to electronically demoralize the Sharks and their fan base using hashtags.
Hashtags on Twitter are used to categorize tweets. But they can also be an exceptional tool to talk smack. If you still don't know what a hashtag is...just stop reading before the jump.
Mom. I cuss a lot in this article.
The first rule of hashtag smack talk: Preparation. I already had the following exchange with a woefully unprepared Sharks fan following the Kings-Sharks game Saturday:
Socityhooligan: "I retract my previous prediction [that the Kings would beat the Blues.] The Sharks suck donkey balls. Blues in 5.
Sharks fan: "YOU ARE SO WRONG AND GREATLY MISTAKEN THE SHARKS WILL TAKE YOUR ASS DOWN."
[Side note: Entire tweets in caps are never appropriate unless you're Viagra spam.]
Socityhooligan: "The only time I see Thornton and Marleau in the playoffs is on the side of the milk carton. #HaveYouSeenMe?"
Sharks fan: "you R sooo greatly mistaken !!"
Seriously? I've seen second graders come up with better comebacks during arguments over kickball. Blues fans, don't let this happen to you. This is like bringing a Super Soaker to a rocket launcher fight.
The following is a primer to use against mouthy Sharks fans. When the going gets tough, bust out these hashtags. And remember, smack talk is only fun if you rag on the other team. No personal attacks on opposing tweeters or talking about the unmentionable things you plan on doing to a tweeter's mother later that night.
You can make any number of cracks about Joe Thornton and Patrick Marleau not showing up. Basically, take anything you've said about Chris Stewart this year, and insert their name in his place. If you're really creative, you could make cracks about the Thornton-Marleau-Heatley line, since Dany Heatley will impact this year's playoff run as much as he did when he actually played for the Sharks.
On a semi-related note, I could spend an entire series making fun of Patrick Marleau's eyebrows. Dude goes into the barber and has a controlled burn to clear out the brush. He bears a striking resemblance to Bert from Sesame Street.
The Sharks have a decent defense. Dan Boyle and Brent Burns highlight the backline, along with some dude they call Pickles. Still, our defense is clearly superior. In fact, I think we only need one hashtag to demoralize their defense.
Hashtag Suggestion: #AlexMotherFuckingPietrangelo
Seriously, that's the only hashtag you need. If any Sharks fan tries to say anything about defense, just respond with that hashtag. If that's not good enough for you, you're probably Andy Murray and prefer the veteran hashtag #EricMotherFuckingBrewer.
For a team that once had Evgeni Nabokov and Mikka Kiprusoff, the Sharks have had a huge drop off in the goaltending department: Antti Niemi and Thomas Greiss. I guess Doug Wilson's draft strategy of shotgunning a bottle of vodka and picking a goaltender out of a hat in the 9th round hasn't worked. This goaltending duo is downright awful, but some moron is going to remind us every 5 minutes that Niemi won a Stanley Cup with the Hawks, as if playing behind half of Canada's Gold Medal defense had nothing to do with it.
Hashtag Suggestions: #ToivenenWannabes #CrombeenHatTrickWatch #NiemiCantStopABeachBall #WithATennisRacket #Sieve #MoreSoftGoalsThanAVideoGameGlitch
Shark infested Twitter
If you're feeling really bold (or just really drunk), you can directly chirp the Sharks on Twitter. It's just like beating on the glass at the game, except far less dangerous.
Official team account: @SanJoseSharks
Logan Couture: @LoganCouture
T.J. Gallardi: @TJGallardi
Ryane Clowe: @RyaneClowe29
Brent Burns: @Burnzie88
Daniel Winnik: @DanWinnik34
Martin Havlat: @MartinHavlat
Jim Vandermeer: @Jim_Vandermeer
And our old friend, BRAD FUCKING WINCHESTER: @bradwinchester
Have fun and Tweet responsibly!