Yo Quick, time for you to be . . . slow.
It was so fun, we had to do it a second time. Now that we know who the St. Louis Blues will be facing in the Western Conference Semifinals - namely, the Los Angeles Kings - here's a guide explaining why we should hate all of their players, aside from the fact that they're standing in between the Blues and the Western Conference Finals.
Besides one team being a 2-seed and the other being an 8-seed, these two franchises aren't all that different, as they both have been around for the same amount of time and neither team has hoisted Lord Stanley's famous silver chalice. And over the years, there have been some interesting series between the Blues and Kings, both in the regular season and postseason (though the Blues swept the Kings in the postseason . . . twice).
But I don't care. Here's a guide to hating the players on this team, as we'll have to do for the next four to seven games (probably closer to seven), in the same mold as was done for the Sharks in the Western Conference Quarterfinals:
- Dustin Brown: Sure, he's their Captain, and sure, I've been told he'd be a great teammate and he destroys Sedins and all that. But if you look at some video clips, you're surely to find a few where he's prominently diving. I hate diving. Fuck you, Brown.
- Jeff Carter: He's a good hockey player but he kinda looks like a douchebag. He also spent most of this season in the Central Division, albeit for the floundering Columbus Blue Jackets. Fuck you, Carter.
- Kyle Clifford: His best skill? Getting one-punch KO'd by Ryan Reaves. Hahahaaaaaaa . . . . Fuck you, Clifford.
- Colin Fraser: He's a former Blackhawk. You folks know where I stand on this issue. Fuck you, Fraser.
- Simon Gagne: If you see Gagne in this series, you may want to check for drugs in your beverage. He's been out for a while and is on IR, not expected to come back any time soon. But what do I care? He's listed on the roster. Fuck you, Gagne.
- Dwight King: Remember DJ King? This is his brother, and he stole all his talent. Fuck you, King.
- Anze Kopitar: Don't stare at his NHL.com profile picture. He may break your soul. Yeah, I've been told he's kinda ugly. Fuck you, Kopitar.
- Trevor Lewis: His turnover in the neutral zone caused the goal that ended their series with the Canucks. In other words, he's the primary reason THESE guys are here and not someone else. Fuck you, Lewis.
- Andrei Loktionov: This youngster is a face-off specialist right now, and not much more. Wasted Russian talent, ladies and gents! Well, kinda. I mean, he's 21. But anyway . . . . Fuck you, Loktionov.
- Jordan Nolan: Yes, he's the son of former NHL player and coach Ted Nolan, and while he may have more talent than his old man, he also has some of his temper. Fuck you, Nolan.
- Scott Parse: You're probably not going to see this guy either because he's on IR too. Not that I care, as this list is not discriminatory. Fuck you, Parse.
- Dustin Penner: If I have to say anything more than "Pancake Jokes", then why the fuck are you even here? Fuck you, Penner.
- Mike Richards: Sure, he has all sorts of LEADERSHIP, as Poor College Student and I will yell about. But he's also playing for the other team, so . . . . Fuck you, Richards.
- Brad Richardson: He had his appendix taken out not too long ago. I hope he enjoyed the ice cream they gave him afterward. Fuck you, Richardson.
- Jarret Stoll: For the type of player Stoll is supposed to be, he kinda sucks at his role. Well, apart from the whole face-off winning thing, and scoring series-clinching goals. Fuck you, Stoll.
- Kevin Westgarth: If the Blues see Westgarth in this series, the Kings are in deep, DEEP shit. He's a brawler, nothing more. Fuck you, Westgarth.
- Justin Williams: He's got a bit of talent, but his main talent is skating fast. How'd that work out for my boy Jamal Mayers? Fuck you, Williams.
- Drew Doughty: He held out at the beginning of the season, then signed some ridiculous contract that he's almost guaranteed never to outperform. Fuck you, Doughty.
- Davis Drewiske: Just a wholly confusing name. Fuck you, Drewiske.
- Matt Greene: I'm supposed to like this guy, because my girlfriend is a huge North Dakota fan and Greene's a former Fighting Sioux. But at times I look at him on the ice and think, "Hey, he looks like kind of a douche". Oh well. Fuck you, Greene.
- Alec Martinez: I don't know enough about this guy, really. By the time this series ends, that'll change, but for the time being . . . . Fuck you, Martinez.
- Willie Mitchell: Do yourself a favor and look at his NHL.com profile picture. He looks like he's holding in a massive shit. Are you doing ads for Pepto Bismol, Willie? Fuck you, Mitchell.
- Rob Scuderi: Cashed in on a great Cup run in '09 with the Pittsburgh Penguins by . . . getting overpaid to do less in LA. Fuck you, Scuderi.
- Slava Voynov: Another guy I'm not overly familiar with, other than to say he's from Russia and Ken Hitchcock probably hates him, if you listen to Nikita Filatov. Fuck you, Voynov.
- Jonathan Bernier: If you see this guy in the playoffs, that means the starter has died. Otherwise, Bernier will be in full pads, wearing a baseball cap and opening the bench door. He may even get a chance to mock Pierre McGuire. Fuck you, Bernier.
- Jonathan Quick: Sure, he's been a beast these playoffs thus far and he won three of four meetings with the Blues THIS season, but the Blues have had his number in recent times. I mean, what the fuck was THIS, sir? Fuck you, Quick.
As with last round, be sure to distribute this accordingly with other fellow Blues fans that otherwise would not see this. Go hard, or go home.
I generally have no problem with Kings fans. Want to know why? Because they generally have no problem with me. But as was noted last round ahead of the series with the Sharks, this is playoff hockey. Verily, this is business. I want to win this bitch.
Fuck Los Angeles.