Like you and me, Brian Elliott needs a nap after staying up late to watch West Coast games.
Well Blues fans, here come the sleepless nights. The Blues have drawn the San Jose Sharks in the first round, thus ensuring us at least a few nights in which games will start at 9 p.m. or later. So all of us will be heading into the office the morning after those games like zombies, completely devoid of any will or energy to work. The Blues will be in San Jose for at least two games and a maximum of three - on Monday April 16, Thursday April 19 and Monday April 23. You will have to work that Tuesday, Friday and following Tuesday. That sucks.
I'm usually up really late and have to be at work ridiculously early, so I'm somewhat of an expert at how to handle these types of situations. So here are a few tips on how to watch the Blues play the Sharks on the West Coast and keep yourself awake the next morning.
The toilet nap
This is a patented method for success. Wait until a non-busy period at the office, or until your boss steps away for a sec. Then hit the restroom. Grab a stall in the corner - or better yet, if there's a more secluded bathroom with only one stall like in my office, snag that one. Then, as ugly as it may sound, cop a squat and take a quick snooze. It's a little uncomfortable because in my experience, most work toilets don't have seat backs (probably just for this reason), but you can rest your arms on your knees and prop your head up enough to fall asleep. Don't stay gone for more than 30 minutes, though - if someone recognizes your shoes under the stall door and they realize you've been in there for an hour and you aren't making really gross noises, they might get suspicious. If you DO get caught spending too much time in the bathroom, leave the room muttering about how you may have eaten some bad Mexican food the night before. You're golden.
Make yourself laugh
One of the best ways to stay awake is to make yourself laugh. Get those abs working and your blood flowing. You can do this by taking a spin through some of your favorite quippy blogs or by hitting up a funny website like DamnYouAutoCorrect.com. Read Drew Magary's Twitter. The more it makes you laugh, the better. For maximum laughter and awakeness, head over to our ugly sister blog Winging It In Motown and check out J.J. From Kansas's playoff preview in which he says the Red Wings' defensemen are better than the Predators'. That's fucking hilarious.
Public transportation? It's naptime
This goes without saying - but if you take a bus or train or some other form of public transportation in to work, it's time to put those precious commuting minutes to work for you. Make sure you don't leave anything on said public transportation when you groggily awake to find out it's your stop, though - I once jettisoned my iPod off into the abyss because I woke up and had to jump off the light rail at the last second when I realized it was my stop, leaving the poor iPod to fend for itself on the seat as the doors closed. Somebody out there got a nice collection of Hootie & the Blowfish because of my oversight. Thanks for not turning it in to the lost and found, asshole.
Unhealthy amounts of caffeine
Your method of choice, of course. For me, it's Red Bull. For everyone else, it seems to be coffee. At least coffee is usually free at most offices, whereas Red Bull costs roughly as much as liquid diamonds. So grab your double chai latte espresso machiatto or coffee black or however you take it. Or maybe take some No Doz. That shit makes you shake a little. I'm sure it'll increase your typing speed and your productivity. Or you'll just twitch a lot.
Slightly more expensive than caffeine. Definitely more effective than caffeine. Lose a few more teeth in the process, though.
Get a new relationship
Here's an example of a personals ad you could put up (of course, tweak it to fit your profile): SWM Blues fan looking for short-term relationship/fling with like-minded Blues fan who lives close to my office to maximize sleeping hours. Good looks not necessary but a plus. Please, no busted faces. Cable package to watch the Blues is necessary, NHL Center Ice package a definite plus. Fridge full of beer gets you an automatic in.
Drink so much water you have to get up to pee over and over
Take your Friday and Saturday night (or Scottrade Center, minus the gross overpricing) drinking ritual and convert it to water at work. Fill up. Drink it all down. Fill it back up. Pee. Drink it down. Fill it up. Drink it down. Sing karaoke. Pee. Fill up. Drink. Hit on someone at the
bar watercooler who looks far worse than you think they look at this point.* Pee. Lather, rinse, repeat.
*Don't actually hit on anyone at work. That's sexual harassment, and that person doesn't have to take it.
Lunch break car nap
Self-explanatory. Don't forget to lean your seat back.
Angle your computer monitors so no one can see you're asleep
If you have a cubicle with high walls, you're lucky. Just prop one of your feet up on your trashcan and snooze at your desk. Pull up an excel spreadsheet so it looks like you're doing work. If you're in a more open-air environment, you can sometimes catch some shuteye in the early morning when no one's paying attention. Lean back in your desk chair and tilt your monitors so they obscure your face from view of your peers who sit right across from you. Then commence the head bob that comes with falling asleep in public.
What are some of your best tried-and-true methods for staying awake at work on no sleep? Let's hear it in the comments. And when all else fails, SWYD.
Follow NateTheGreat, newly on Twitter @NateTheGreatGT