Goaltender Kryptonite

"Man, I love when the Blues shoot it straight into my gut."

Jonathon Quick has been phenomenal these playoffs, if by "phenomenal" you mean "Andy McDonald shooting straight into his leg pad 3 straight times." At times, he seems unbeatable. But there is still one thing that we could use in our favor against Quick: Goalies are batshit crazy. Every single one of them. They're always the mentally unstable guy sitting in the corner of the locker room, rocking back and forth and talking to themselves.

Some of them are superstitious. Some of them are philosophical about the universe. Some of them try to bribe cops with a billion dollars to get out of DUIs. Some of them enjoy whacking the back of legs with their stick when there's traffic...on the street in front of their house.

Whether you're Ron Hextall, Ilya Bryzgalov, or the local beer league goalie who believes he allows a goal for every hour of sleep he gets, you're probably insane, even if the talking dead squirrels in your kitchen tell you otherwise. I'm still unsure how goalies function in society without straight jackets and Hannibal Lector masks. On a mental health scale, a goaltender's volitle psychological stability ranks somewhere between "Serial Killer" and "Teenage Girl."

We need to take advantage of this, Blues fans. Jonathon Quick may look like an impenetrable wall, but he's got a tinge of psycho in him. Since the Blues clearly haven't come up with anything, I've come up with a list of ways to put the puck past Quick.

Convince him the voices in his head are right about his dog being the Dalai Lama.

As stated above, goalies are on the verge of institutionalization. It will be very hard for Quick to stop pucks with Nurse Rachet holding him back in a mental institution. Hell, Jack Nicholson's in LA. Maybe they can steal a boat together.

Mess with his pregame routine

Every goalie has a pregame routine...putting their gear on in a certain order, making a live animal sacrifice to the hockey gods, trying to chew through their ankle bracelet, etc. If you mess with his pregame routine, the goalie goes insane. We should find out what Quick's pregame routine is. Somehow, I think his pregame routine involves pouring cement in our team's skates.

Use the word "Shutout" excessively.

This tactic is good for at least one goal. Goalies hate when you say this word. Instead of singing to a goaltender, I think crowds should chant "Shutout" until their team scores their first goal.

Start a goalie fight.

When goalies fight, you know shit just got real. As a result of the aforementioned mental instability, picking a fight should be easy. We can get Quick thrown out of the game by engaging him in a fight. I just hope LA isn't suspicious when Ryan Reaves gets the start in goal, and he's wearing a feather boa yelling, "REAVESAMANIA IS GONNA RUN WILD ON YOU, BROTHA!"

Sign Nick Kypreos.

Ok, so this one doesn't screw with the goalie's head, but it's still an effective goaltender tactic. Based on previous experience, Kipper is very good at blowing out knees and crushing playoff hopes. Ask Grant Fuhr.

Shoot high

No, seriously. Shoot high on Quick. Please. For the love of God.

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