July 1: NHL Free Agency. NHL GMs go out of their minds like a sorority at $1 tequila shot night, except with poorer decision making skills. NHL teams will sign contracts which will screw their cap, overpay a player and cripple their team financially. I'm really glad we had a lockout to prevent this problem.
Everyone who didn't sign Zach Parise will hate the player they signed 6 months from now. Bridesmaids who didn't land Parise will live to regret the player they hooked up with.
I'm going to recap the stupidity following the jump.
All signing times are completely made up, because numbering them looked really stupid. Making shit up on the internet makes me as legit as Eklund. If the signings were too hard to track on twitter, click here. TSN has filtered out the Kim Kardashian tweets to make a rather nice list.
Also, a giant FUCK YOU to Zac Parise and Ryan Suter for taking so long to sign somewhere. You had three weeks since the end of the playoffs knowing 30 teams would park a mother fucking Brinks truck in front of your goddam house. Didn’t you give this a little thought BEFORE July 1st?
June 28, 2012
June 29, 2012
3:24 p.m. – Inexplicably, the Flames re-sign Lee Stempniak. The Flames finished in terribleth place last season, so Jay Feaster is overhauling the roster by resigning all the same players.
June 30, 2012
2:03 p.m. – Excitement is mounting over Parise and Suter. Pierre McGuire had to change his pants 3 times already today.
6:30 p.m. – The Predators sign "faceoff specialist" Paul Gaustad to a $3.25 million per year deal. Who the hell is Gaustad’s agent? Can he ask my bosses for a raise for me? I’m just as fucking useless as Paul Gaustad.
1:30 p.m. Ray Whitney signs in Dallas for 2 years and $9 million???!!! Did they pay him a dollar for every year he’s played hockey? Ray Whitney hasn’t been in Texas since the Alamo.
1:47 p.m. – Brad Boyes signs on Long Island for $1 million. The plan is to dress Boyes every night, bench him for the entire game and use him exclusively in the shootout.
2:30 p.m. – Filip Kuba signs in Florida for $4 million per year. Where does Florida get this kind of scratch? Did they use Monopoly money?
2:53 p.m. – Brandon Prust signs in Montreal for 4 years, $10 million. Not a bad deal. Hopefully Marc Bergevin is better at being a GM than he is with throwing accuracy.
2:58 p.m. – Still no word on Parise or Suter. Eklund has spent most of the day throwing out baseless speculation on where they will land. Honestly, I think Eklund is a genius. He is the ultimate internet troll. He makes an ass load on ad revenue from people visiting his site to tell him how stupid he is.
3:43 p.m. – Chris Mason returns to Nashville to backup Pekka Rinne. The Central gets a shitty ex-Blue who will shut the Blues out 1-0 every time.
3:45 p.m. – Audrian Aucoin signs in Columbus, Bryan Allen signs in Anaheim, Sheldon Souray signs in Anaheim and Sami Salo signs in Tampa Bay. Doug Armstrong looks like a fucking genius for signing Jackman at this point.
3:52 p.m. – Jason Garrison signs in Vancouver for $4.6 million. Mike Gillis believes Garrison can replicate the career year he had in Florida, according to the simulated season on his X-box. Apparently, a 27-year-old undrafted player with one solid year to his credit is worth $4.6 million. Unbelievable.
6:35 p.m. – I’ve refreshed my twitter 9,000 times today, and Suter and Parise still haven’t signed…I thought it was going to happen any minute!
10:30 a.m. – Marty Brodeur and Johan Hedberg sign in New Jersey. GTL: Gym, Trap, Laundry.
1:14 p.m. – Parise and Suter haven’t signed yet. Everyone is getting bored with the waiting game. Darren Dreger of The Sports Network and Eklund of the local Starbucks wifi network are in a pissing match over where Parise is headed. (SPOILER ALERT: Dreger was right. Parise wasn’t going to Chicago.)
1:39 p.m. – The Blues sign Jeff Woywitka. I wish I was making that up. Jeff Woywitka is one phone call away from our roster. FUCK!
2:37 p.m. – Jiri Hudler signs in Calgary for 4 years, $16 million. It’s like Jay Feaster used Game Genie to get infinite cap space, but spent it all on mediocre players.
4:36 p.m. – Crap! I spent the entire day checking twitter on my phone and I’m down to 3% battery and oh shit the Jets signed someoneIthinkbutmyphon….
5:16 p.m. – Goddammit, Parise or Suter better not have signed while my phone was dead. But the Jets signed…Olli Jokinen?! I broke more traffic laws than Ed Belfour on a bender to get home for an update, and all I get is Olli fucking Jokinen?!
11:37 p.m. – I kill a 30 pack of Busch. Don’t judge me. Blame Jeff Woywitka.
9:12 a.m. – Bryce Salvador signs in New Jersey for a little over $3 million per year. Dangle, snipe, Sally.
1:43 p.m. – Rob Klinkhammer signs in Phoenix. I don’t know who the fuck this guy is, but he has the greatest name ever.
3:24 p.m. – Jaromir Jagr signs in Dallas for $4.5 million. First Whitney, now Jagr. What the fuck is going on here? Does Joe Nieuwendyke think this is 1997? Maybe he’s going to lace them up to round out the Medicare line.
4:32 p.m. – Now it appears Suter or Parise won’t sign by the end of the day. The Russian army could mobilize quicker than these two could make a decision.
9:00 a.m. – Wake up. Check twitter. Parise and Suter watch continues. Even Don Draper had to sign a contract eventually.
9:30 a.m. – I have to replace my alcohol supply for the 4th. Thanks a lot, Jeff. I had enough for the whole party before Army signed your goof ass.
10:00 a.m. – Holy shit, my twitter is broken! It won’t update! The most recent tweet is still X-Pac tweeting at Daniel Tosh from an hour ago!
10:01 a.m. – Check computer. Whew! They didn’t sign yet. But Steve Sullivan signs with Phoenix. Kinda shocked Joe Nieuwendyke didn’t make a pitch for this old dinosaur.
12:04 p.m. – Parise and Suter both sign with the same team?! Wow, whichever team signed them is going to win the Cup! Oh, wait…it’s the Minnesota Wild? Gee, maybe the Wild will be good enough to finish 7th in the West now. Both players signed for a katrillion dollars each, including a team option for their first born son.
9:08 a.m. - I'm a little bummed the Blues didn't get Parise, but not all is lost. We could still sign Matt Carle.
9:09 a.m. - Matt Carle signs with the Tampa Bay Lightning for $5.5 million. Please, no one tell Alex Pietrangelo how much he makes. I get that Carle was the second best defenseman available, but that's like saying Slap Shot 2 was the second best Slap Shot movie. There's a huge dropoff in quality. $5.5 million is certifiably insane.
4:22 p.m. - David Perron signs a four year deal at a cap hit of $3.8 million. Genius move by Armstrong. Scrolll back up and look at some of the other morons making more money. Seriously, Paul Gaustad is making $3.25 million. With a full offseason, Perron is going to tear it up on a dirt cheap cap hit.
So there you have it. Almost a weeks worth of stupidity.