What follows is the first in a series of recaps detailing the trials and tribulations of the combatants in Game Time's Fantasy Tackle Football League. Cheap laughs and debauchery to follow.
The Game Time Fantasy Football league ended its first week of games last night. In the aftermath of undoubtedly several empty containers of chips, wings, adult beverages, and other paraphernalia, this is how the matches shook out.
At The Wine Of Scrimmage (heycarrieann8) vs. Don't Toews Me Bro (DasBlues74)
Things started off decidedly in favor of the lady with the Oshie and Bergie cats. Tony Romo's 307 yard/3 TD aerial effort took her team named for a wine/football pun out to a 23 point lead after Wednesday's action, putting the Chicago Captain's at a decided disadvantage. The Sunday action further conspired in Carrie's favor with 17 point efforts from both of her wide receivers putting forth 17 point efforts. The most notable performances for Wine of Scrimmage may have come from the pedestrian effort of 1st round pick Maurice Jones-Drew, who only put up 8 points after ending a lengthy holdout, and the Pittsburgh Steelers defense, registering 3 fantasy points after being picked apart by Peyton Manning. For the fightin' Don't Toews Me Bro's, the running back crew of LeSean McCoy and Jamaal Charles put up a combined 19 points which further hampered their team's comeback efforts. The lone bright spot resided in Pierre Garcon putting up 16 points out of the flex spot. A solid trio of Andre Johnson, Carolina's Steve Smith, and Garcon could prove to be formiddable in the future if all of them click on the same week. Entering the Monday night game, it would've taken a massive showing from Phillip Rivers to overcome a 46 point deficit for DasBlues. 13 points wasn't enough to get it done and may get Matt Cassel some attention at the starting QB position.
Final: At The Wine Of Scrimmage: 109 defeats Don't Toews Me Bro: 76
Jerry Sandusky's Kids (UIWWildthing) vs. Can O Spam (RFJCC)
With no competitors in the DAL/NYG Wednesday kickoff and only one player going on Monday, this contest essentially started and ended on Sunday. Michael Vick scored 15 points to give Spam the edge over the 12 points of Matthew Stafford of Team Sandusky, the rest of the position battles went to the resident Ravens fan. Matt Forte and Steven Ridley put up 18 and 20 point efforts to absolutely dwarf the combined 3 point effort of Spam's Ben Tate and Fred Jackson, the latter leaving with an injury. The twin 17 point efforts of Brandon Marshall and the Baltimore Ravens (Editor's Note: Derpimore) defense further paced the UIWWildthing effort that actually had the higher score at QB on the bench in the form of Peyton Manning. Although hindsight is always 20/20, one can't help but wonder how RFJCC will manage his lineup for next week, considering efforts from Carson Palmer, Alex Smith, Knowshon Moreno, and Laurent Robinson (among others) would have netted him more points had they been entered. The kicker battle actually ended up in favor of RFJCC, but we all know that kickers aren't real people.
Final: Jerry Sandusky's Kids: 103 over Can O Spam: 60
Tickle Monster (Art Lippo) vs. Little Lebowski Urban Achievers (Poor College Student)
This matchup started with PCS sending out Ahmad Bradshaw to get an early start on things, netting 14 points and a modest advantage heading into Sunday's festivities. Both first round QB picks performed adequately, with Urban Achievers signal called Aaron Rodgers scoring 22 points to Tom Brady's 15 for the Tickle Monster. Point totals started to get pedestrian after that, with players like Marques Colston, Steven Jackson, Victor Cruz, and Vincent Jackson all failing to put up double digits for Tickle Monster. Double digit output lacked on PCS's side for notables Mike Wallace, Dwayne Bowe, and Antonio Gates. Had the Tickle Monster team netted a bigger point result, it would be easy to point out the most glaring benching in this contest, since PCS sent Adrian Peterson to the pine in favor of Peyton Hillis. Peterson will certainly be in next week as any post-ACL repair concerns and limitations were thrown out the window. Were it not for 13 point effort from Reggie Wayne and an 18 point Jets D result, this game could've been much closer than it ended up. Look for Tickle Monster to build up secondary scoring to supplement efforts from Tom Brady and the Texans' D going forward to fuck the couches of several opponents. A worthy storyline to take note of involved Tickle Monster vowing to deflower the couch of PCS later in the season. Update: Sources indicate team owner will rechristen his team "It's My Vick In A Box" in hopes of boosting team performance.
Final: Little Lebowski Urban Achievers: 93 beats Tickle Monster: 67
Vengeful Gods (Blunatic) vs. Starks Dire Wolves (Maverides)
The Wolves started off with a mundane 20 point combined effort on the early game, with Eli Manning putting up 12 and Dez Bryant registering 8, which looked to leave a doorway for the Poo Bomb Slingers to walk right through even with a 1 point effort from the Vengeful Gods NY Giants defense. Unfortunately, Matt Schaub was only able to net 14 points after being staked to a big lead by the Texans which saw them focus on running the ball. Standout play for the Gods came in the form of Jimmy Graham and his 14 point effort and Nate Washington tallying 11 points, giving a solid 25 point effort from the TE and flex spots. Unfortunately, Chris Johnson of the Titans and Rashad Jennings of the Jaguars could not help out with anything more than combining for 7 points, which put them even with their fantasy teammate, wideout AJ Green. Maverides's Wolves took advantage of solid efforts from Ray Rice (20 points), Rob Gronkowski (12 points), and the mammoth leg of David Akers (16 points) en route to an easy win.
Final: Starks Dire Wolves: 103 over Vengeful Gods: 73
Alabama Thunderpussy (Duke) vs. It Ain't Hockey (LuvHockey)
This game was over quick. With 'Bama having the market cornered on Falcons passing touchdowns, Matt Ryan (31) and Julio Jones (22) combined to put up 53 points before anybody knew what happened. Even the Thunderpussy kicker, Atlanta's Matt Bryant got in on the act with 17 points, which would've led It Ain't Hockey's team. For the hockey lover's squad, a bizarro world incident involving Mark Sanchez scoring 20 points had her leading QB on the bench in favor of Cam Newton, although no one would've questioned starting Cam over Mark before Sunday. Bright spots for It Ain't Hockey included Chicago TD vulture Michael Bush for 16 points and Kirkwood's own Jeremy Maclin getting 15 points to add to the cause. In the end, Thunderpussy's output from 3 Falcons players was enough to outscore his opponent's entire team. The rest of the contribution from Doug Martin, Darren McFadden, and others only served to run up the score and strike fear into the rest of the fantasy league.
Final: Alabama Thunderpussy: 118 demolishes It Ain't Hockey: 67
Missoula Bag O' Dicks (Donut King) vs. Marauding Marmots (Milo)
The closest finish of the week made for an overall exciting matchup in this contest of a man moving to Montana and another guy who might happen to like alliteration. Early starters for the Marmots performed well, as DeMarco Murray and Miles Austin scored 13 points each to provide a solid foundation for further success against DK. Even the shrewd move of starting Robert Griffin III paid off for Milo and his Marmots to the tune of 24 points. As Sunday progressed further, it became clear that the Bag O' Dicks squad would not be content to lose as Drew Brees recovered from early stumbles to net 21 points, Frank Gore tallied 17 points, and kicker Robbie Gould contributed 11 points. The DK trio of Marshawn Lynch, Owen Daniels, and Brandon Lloyd combined for 23 points to further the efforts of their team. The big contribution that no one predicted came from Kevin Smith, who found himself in play as the flex spot for the Bag O' Dicks. He made a huge contribution to the tune of 20 points, garnering attention as a potential starter or as trade fodder later on in the season. Coming in to the Sunday night game, Marmots flex player Antonio Brown needed 9 points to make up the deficit for his team or face fantasy defeat. As the final whistle blew in Denver, Brown's 7 points weren't quite enough as both his fantasy employer and his real life team were served with bitter defeats.
Final: Missoula Bag O' Dicks: 102 in a nailbiter over Marauding Marmots: 100.
We'll bring you all the Game Time Fantasy Football weekly recap info here in the FanPost section until something better comes along, such as news of an agreement being reached on the CBA.
Until then, prepare yourselves for these week 2 matchups:
At The Wine Of Scrimmage vs. Alabama Thunderpussy
Tickle Monster It's My Vick In A Box vs. Starks Dire Wolves
Missoula Bag O' Dicks vs. Little Lebowski Urban Achievers
Marauding Marmots vs. Vengeful Gods
Jerry Sandusky's Kids vs. Don't Toews Me Bro
Can O' Spam vs. It Ain't Hockey