Friday Links - Stroking Chickens, Are We?

Pictured here is Joe Thornton, NOT with his cock out and stroking it. - Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports

Stroking cocks. Awesome throwback goalie masks. Adam Oates, great player, horrible dick. Thomas Vanek being fancy. Beating the hockey fighting horse to death even further. SmartCaps. Rick Reilly is an ass. And shave with a straight razor. FRIDAY!!!!!

Yesterday was one of the weirdest sports news days in recent memory. Fitting that J-Mill took THIS weekend off to go to Kansas City. Rat bastard.

Actually . . . no, seriously. Thanks. I'm glad to get to cover someone talking about wanting to stroke himself after scoring a shit-ton of goals. This is what I FUCKING LIVE FOR.

Seriously.

BLUES NEWS:

  • Semi-Blues related, from CrossCheckRaise . . . the Blackhawks are frustrated after leaving DrinkScotch with nary a point. No shit, right? Well, just read. [CSN Chicago]

HOCKEY NEWS:

  • Ten games last night. Winners: The Avalanche(s), Blue Jackets, Hurricanes, Coyotes, Lightning(s), Maple Leafs, Wild(s), Canadiens, Sharks and Ducks. Losers: The Bruins, Sabres, Capitals, Red Wings, Panthers, Predators, Jets, Oilers, Canucks and Rangers. [NHL.com]
  • Six games tonight. The feature is the Blackhawks hosting the Islanders, but the Jets and Stars are playing in a Central Division tilt. [NHL.com]
  • What would Joe Thornton do if he scored four goals in a game? "I'd have my cock out, stroking it." I just went back to liking Joe Thornton, like, less than 24 hours ago, because this is fucking magnificent. [The Province]
  • And of course, people are bitching about whether or not this comment should've made the light of day. I BET JOE AIN'T GIVE NO FUCK. [Puck Daddy]
  • Jonas Hiller is gonna wear this bad boy when the Ducks wear their throwbacks like thirty times or whatever it is this season. I. Love. It. [The Goalie Guild]
  • "Don't disrespect the league", says Adam Oates regarding Tomas Hertl's awesome goal from the other day. I want to like you, Adam, but saying shit like this makes me think you're a horrible dickish person. [Washington Post]
  • And then Thomas Vanek went and did this. DON'T DISRESPECT THE LEAGUE, THOMAS. Actually, go ahead, your team sucks. [Puck Daddy]
  • Let's beat the dead Hockey Fighting horse to death even further. First, from CrossCheckRaise, Jeff Marek weighs in on why the hockey fighting debate is a very difficult and complex issue. [SportsNet]
  • Then comes this, where researchers at the conference call on concussions at the Mayo Clinic are calling for a broad ban of fighting. Yeah, good luck with that, kids. [New York Times]
  • The Bakersfield Condors are giving away two burial plots at a January home game. Because that's a thing, apparently. [Puck Daddy]
  • The Governor of Florida is trying to drum up a rivalry that doesn't really exist between the Lightning and the Panthers because both teams kinda suck and, well, Florida and, ummmmm, hockey. Anyway. [Lightning(s)]
  • Frans Nielsen slashed Martin Hanzal on Tuesday night. For that, he gets to put $5,000 in a charity box and never see it again. [NHL.com]

OTHER SHIT:

  • I might have been one of about five Cardinals fans not pissed by Drew Magary's "Why The Cardinals Suck" piece. Here it was. (If you wanna know how Drew rolls, he writes a "Why Your Team Sucks" for each of the NFL's 32 teams, and he doesn't skip the Vikings . . . HIS team. So people taking offense to THIS piece . . . take it, ram it up your fucking ass and twist it. Oh, and get out of my fan base too, you self-righteous jerktassels.) [Deadspin]
  • Anyway, later, Mr. Magary went on local radio and said the whole thing was to troll a friend (and former boss) of his, Will Leitch, who is very much a huge Cardinals fan. Here's the segment in mp3 form. [Inside StL / CBS Sports 920]
  • Another one from CrossCheckRaise, showing that the study of concussions is getting very real, technology-wise. Reebok is now coming out with a "SmartCap" for concussion testing. [The PostGame]
  • In a recent piece defending the Washington Redskins nickname, Rick Reilly used quotes attributed to his father-in-law, a Blackfeet tribal elder (mind you, that tribe is based here in my home state of Montana). Said father-in-law says he was misquoted by Reilly. [Deadspin]
  • Meanwhile, Rick Reilly, who is a horrible dick and should not have a job as a fucking journalist, feels that he quoted his father-in-law correctly. In any argument involving a white man and a Native, I'm siding with the Native. [Deadspin]
  • Speaking of Montana . . . over on the eastern end of the state in Billings, a woman called 911 because she was too drunk to get out of her vehicle. Easiest drunk driving arrest EVER. [Y! / AP]
  • Everyone is picking the Broncos to beat the living hell out of the Jaguars this Sunday. Jon Bois is having no part of it, releasing the BEEFTANK on the Broncos in his "Breaking Madden" spot. [SB Nation]

VIDEO:

Ever wanted to know how to shave with a straight razor? No? Well, fuck it, you're gonna learn anyway:

Totally never doing that if I don't have to.

Hildy has some stuff for you later this morning. You'll want to read it, unless you're a lame ass.

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