Blackhawks Play Mario Kart; Ruin Classic Gaming Franchise

Above: The best character in Nintendo history, minus "Y." - Elsa

Now what the hell should the Blues play, & why?

I probably don't have to tell you about Bryan Bickell's blog on NHL.com, as I'm sure you've been keeping up with every word that the Chicago-based "hockey player" has to say. But just in case you haven't, on Tuesday he talked about how he and his teammates like to wind down by playing Wii Mario Kart.

On the one hand, a bunch of 20-something guys playing video games in their off-time is about as surprising as a color analyst saying that the goalie would really like to have that one back. However, this not-actual-news still seemed to hit me pretty hard.

You see, I love Mario Kart 64. And I loathe the Blackhawks. I have a philosophy that if you can help it, you must avoid sharing anything with your enemy. After all, if you have something in common with your enemy, then perhaps you have other things in common - maybe the other person might just be a fellow human being, trying to do their job, and who's worthy of your respect? That's a dangerous line of thinking. Patrick Kane has certainly never thought that way about women (allegedly).

So since those dickweeds took the best racing game there is, I thought I'd spitball some ideas as to what game(s) certain Blues should play this summer to give them an edge on the ice.

(Note: these are all Nintendo 64 games, because A) the Wii was already on shaky ground before it's alliance with the Indian Headed-menace, & B) N64 (no, not THAT N64) is the best system ever created, and I will physically fight you over the Internet if you disagree.)

Vladimir Tarasenko: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Why: First of all, it's arguably the best video game ever made. It also takes a lot of work to finish - and Gretzky knows the Blues need to work on finishing. Besides, if Frank has any chance of being The Franchise SaviorTM that The Asylum yells at me that he is, he could stand to learn a thing or two from Link, the Hero of Hyrule. If Frank can get past the Water Temple, then getting past NHL defensemen will be a piece of cake.

Patrik Berglund: Cruis'n USA

Why: If Techno Viking is back in the Blue Note next year (which is a pretty big "if"), he needs to learn how to use his big body effectively on a much more consistent basis. And even though Cruis'n USA is a racing game, if you were anything like me and my friends back in the day, the real fun came from ignoring the race and running over every tree, light post, and spectator on the side of the tracks. (Then again, my friends & I were total spazes.) I also went with this one because there's also a Cruis'n World - but Bergie doesn't need help dominating the Worlds.

David Backes: Turok: Dinosaur Hunter

Why: It'll be nice for Cap to get a taste of one of the very few men - real or otherwise - as badass as he is. Besides, if Turok didn't hunt the dinosaurs, the dinosaurs would hunt the stray puppies before The Inglorious One can save them. (Of course, then he could just shoot the dinosaurs down from a fighter jet...goddamn, David Backes is awesome!)

Jaden Schwartz: Super Smash Bros.

Why: Now, you'd think Smash Bros. would be a natural fit for Reaver, or even Chris Stewart. But going by such logic would be ignoring who the best character in SSB is: Pikachu. He's quick and small, like Schwartzie, his lightning strikes can find their targets from the other side of the screen, and just when you least expect it, his Thundershock will come from out of nowhere to score a KO. The more Jaden can utilize his quickness and his potential as a lightning strike playmaker, the better off both he and the team will be. Let's just hope he doesn't let his shield get shattered and send him into a daze (in other words, no concussions, please!).

Taylor Chorney: Pokemon Snap

Why: He'll be able to hone his photography skills, which will prove useful when he's Instagramming every press box buffet in the NHL.

Jay Bouwmeester: Mario Golf

Why: I just figured that I'd nip that joke in the bud right now, to take it's power away.

David Perron: Star Fox 64

Why: For some reason, Frenchie's always reminded me of Falco...which is weird because when he takes dumb ass offensive zone penalties, he's as annoying as Slippy. So maybe playing some Star Fox will show him how fucked that is and he'll stop. Not holding my breath, though.

So, what games do you think the Blues should play? What were your favorite N64 games? Did I just alienate half of our readership in my first article? Let's all bitch away in the comments!

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