HOW-TO HATE: The Minnesota Wild

Hannah Foslien

Rudy Kelly, formally of Battle of California, fills us in on "The Steve Buscemi of States." Also, their "hockey" team.

When I originally conceived of this series, I tried to think "if these teams were to be eliminated from the playoffs tomorrow, who would I most want to see write their Puck Daddy eulogy?" (BTW, follow that link for a classic from our Fearless Leader emeritus, Juan Mallagher!) I then contacted different bloggers based on that criteria. Some have been quick and fantastic with their responses. Others, well, they'll go unnamed...let's just say that perhaps they'll be repaid in karma by some newly acquired offensive zone penalties.

So to make-up for lost time, here's Rudy Kelly, formally of Battle of California - who also happens to be a fantastic follow on Twitter (@rudykelly) - to fill us in on the youngest franchise in our new division, the Minnesota Wild.

SLGT: Which current Wild player is the most deserving of our scorn and why?

RK: There are a lot of vile dudes on the Minnesota Wild, presumably because no sane right-thinking person is going to sign up to play in fucking Minneapolis or St. Paul or wherever the fuck the Wild play. Here are the worst offenders:

Zach Parise & Ryan Suter- The secret no one will admit in the world of international hockey is that all the American players are douche bags. The Canadians are hardscrabble simpletons that pursue hockey to escape their hellish existence in Manitoba, and the Russians are cool as ice mother fuckers who play hockey because the snow looks like cocaine to them, and the Swedes are really pretty, but the Americans? Fuck those guys. Every single one of them sucks my balls.* They're all stupid looking and douche bags and only played hockey because they were both rich enough to play and scared enough to share a locker room with a black person. Parise looks like he watched She's All That back in 1999 and decided, "Yeah, that's the look I'm going to stick with my entire life," and I guarantee you Ryan Suter has made someone eat a booger in his lifetime.

Plus this whole "take less money (but not really) to play together" bullshit was tired when the Heat did it, made worse because Parise & Suter aren't even transcendentally great like Lebron. They're like the Chris Rock version of Death at a Funeral but reversed.

*Except, of course, Dustin Brown and David Backes. They're model Americans and should be cheered throughout the land.

Jason Pominville - Can't take a perfectly legal check without getting his brain unsmartened. What a baby.

Jonas Brodin - Jonas Brodin doesn't actually exist; he was a creation of Wild fans. Nobody caught on until after he was named to the All-Rookie team because no one watches Wild games.

Jonathan Blum - Jonathan Blum is from Long Beach. Is he being held captive? That's the only reason someone from California would go to Minnesota. Jonathan, let someone blow by you in a game if you're being held hostage. We can help you.

Matt Cullen - This.

Josh Harding - Seems like kind of a whiner, if you ask me.

Mikko Koivu - Literally the most boring hockey player alive.

Nicklas Backstrom - No, not that one. The shitty one.

Matt Cooke & Dany Heatley - ...Nothing comes to mind. I guess they're okay.

SLGT: What about the Wild past? What's the most annoying moment in their history from your perspective?

RK: Much like the Atlanta Thrashers, the Wild are new club that has had trouble building up much of a fanbase. It sucks, especially when they end up leaching off established banner franchises like the Kings and the Blues, but what are you gonna do? Gary Bettman seems determined to roll with this Grain Belt Strategy come hell or high water so I guess we just have to deal with it. I'd have to say that the Wild's most annoying moment in their history was when they were given a team even though they had proven they couldn't support an NHL franchise already. The best moment in franchise history will be when the Wild, much like the Atlanta Thrashers, move to a deserving location like Las Vegas or San Antonio.

Also hey, remember Brian Bellows? What a titfucker that guy was.

SLGT: Why is their style of play The Worst Thing To Ever Happen to Hockey?

RK: You're fucking kidding me, right?

SLGT: How about Minnesota. What's the biggest reason that Minnesota sucks? Is it a fun place to take in a road game?

RK: I only know about other places through the magic of Hollywood because, c'mon, I live in fucking Los Angeles. If I wanted to experience the magic of Minnesota I'd have someone punch me in the dick in front of an open fridge and save myself the fare. Here's how I'd best describe what Hollywood thinks about Minnesota:

-When Hollywood needed someone to represent Kentucky, they cast Timothy Olyphant

-When Hollywood needed someone to represent Alabama, they cast Gregory Peck

-When Hollywood needed someone to represent Minnesota, they cast Steve Buscemi

But even Hollywood can barely care enough about Minnesota to properly stereotype them. Wisconsin has cheese which, while hilarious, is at least something. Minnesota used to be known for lakes, but Los Angeles took that from them in 1960. Now they're known for being "nice," which means ugly. Minnesota: The Steve Buscemi of States. Minnesotans are pasty losers who have to be nice to get anyone to give them the time of day. They're all mealy-mouthed and rightfully have low self-esteem because, let's face it, they suck. You ever hear about someone from Los Angeles being nice? Fuck no. We can barely care about anyone else because we're busy being so fucking awesome. Ants have to be deferential, the boot gives no fucks. Cool thousand lakes, nerd, we'll enjoy our one big ass lake called the goddamn Pacific Ocean.

The only other thing I know about Minnesota is that they have a lot of Scandinavians. They have the Scandinavians who were stupid enough to settle in a place worse than where they came from. Why even get on the boat, Torvald? Just stay home.

Plus, they voted in Jesse Ventura as their governor. Jesse Ventura! If you're stupid enough to vote in a cast member of Predator as your governor you should have your statehood taken away.

Al Franken's cool, though.

SLGT: Wild fans: idiots or fun drinking buddies?

RK: I think, in all honesty, that Minnesota Wild fans are the dumbest fans in hockey. I feel like I should know; I do, after all, deal with Ducks fans on a daily basis. Ducks fans are relatively normal people who are dumb about hockey, but Wild fans are just straight up dumbshits who follow hockey. More than any other fanbase, the Minnesota Wild faithful have steadfastly refused to accept the overwhelming piles of evidence that, holy shit, stats are useful. Every time someone tries to patiently explain it to them you can see the point flying over their heads like something something flyover country. Whatever, the point is they're dumb.

They somehow managed to be less progressive than people in Edmonton, who I'm pretty sure have to carve their computers out of wood. Here's a fun fact: if you've ever uttered the phrase, "Stats don't tell the whole story," you're too stupid to live. Just go live in the woods and leave the rest of us alone.

SLGT: How are they when they show up in your building? DO they show up in your building?

RK: Minnesotans seem to enjoy taking in a Kings-Wild game in Los Angeles because they'd take any excuse to escape their frozen tundra and experience just a taste of the privileged life. When they're here they're perfectly nice, mostly because A) They're losing, and B) They think they saw me on CBS before they fell asleep at 9pm (8pm central). You'd think I was a famous actor but nope, I'm just gorgeous!

SLGT: Lastly, what would you say is the single biggest reason to hate the Minnesota Wild?

RK: Honestly, you probably shouldn't. There are a lot of important teams in the new NHL Central Division that are worth your scorn. The Dallas Stars are awful, as detailed by my good friend Megalodon. The Blackhawks will most likely be your main foe as you battle for the division crown, while the Avalanche have a lot of young talent and could make a move into contention in the future. Winnipeg and Nashville? They're like the two places on Earth someone from St. Louis can make fun of so please, go nuts!

But Minnesota? They're just kinda there. Think of them like you used to think about the Seattle Seahawks: they're a shitty, barely adequate team with an overly optimistic fanbase that seems harmless before you look closer and realize they're all stupid and insane. You should give the Minnesota Wild the same amount of thought you give the state of Minnesota, which should be none unless you get confused and mix them up with Michigan.

But hey, they should be good for a playoff series win before you inevitably get tossed out of the playoffs by the Kings again in hilarious fashion!

Previously on "How-To Hate"...

Part I: J.J. from Kansas tears the Avs a new one.

Part II: Megalodon messes with Texas. Also, the Dallas Stars.

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