Blues Hockey For Dummies: Game Time Edition

Dilip Vishwanat

The Post-Dispatch had their crack at helping the casual fan understand hockey. Now it's our turn.

STLToday.com tried to come up with a handy guide for bandwagon and casual Blues fans; it really did not explain terminology very well. While I do give them credit for their Idiot's Guide, I figured that Game Time is far better equipped with our cadre of writers to come up with something more useful.

I present to you, in no particular author order, Blues Hockey for Dummies.

Hartigan:

We get it. The arena is large. There are a lot of people. There are loud noises. Finding your seat for the first, second, or one thousandth time? It’s a chore! It’s difficult. It’s challenging. If only there were a simple numbering system to help you find the seats that match your ticket. If only there were people to direct you in the right direction. If only you didn’t have to sit in a seat that’s "close enough" to the seat printed on your ticket. If only...

[It's spelled:]

  • Elliott
  • Barret

It's also pretty great to know that Steen and Jackman adopted dogs and named them after each other.

And that is Barret Jackman.

HoosierBlue:

We need to talk about game etiquette.

Don't yell 'shoot' the second we enter the zone.

Don't loudly question every stoppage 'what? WHAT!?' When you weren't paying attention anyway. (It was clearly offsides, assclown.)

Don't meander 5 wide down the fucking halls at intermission. Single file bitches, just like kindergarten. You fuckers can't possibly all hear each other anyway. Some of us have to pee, get a beer and smoke a cigarette in 18 minutes. If you all want to have a conversation, stop walking. Stand in a circle somewhere. Outside. Across the street. In Illinois. No romantic walks down the halls during intermission with your girl/guy. Single file rule applies to groups of two as well. If you're obstructing the flow of traffic I reserve the right to clip you as I walk by. Then you'll trip and look like a bitch. Then your girlfriend will want you to say something to 'that asshole' but you'll evaluate the extent of my manliness and realize that it isn't worth losing your teeth over. (If you are bigger and/or more of a badass than me, disregard. Walk as slow as you want cocksucker.)

If you spill my $9 chalice of shitty beer, I will fucking kill you. In my mind anyway.

Don't fucking stand up and take your selfies during play.

Don't fucking stand up and switch seats so you can be closer to the less ugly döüchëbag in your group during play.

In fact, I don't give a shit if your seat is on fire AND your hemorrhoids are acting up, DON'T fucking stand up during play.

(This one really pisses me off) DO NOT FUCKING WEAR YOUR ACU/BATTLE UNIFORM TO A FUCKING HOCKEY GAME! The only possible exception is if you are somehow there working a recruiting function. And if that is the case, DO NOT FUCKING DRINK ALCOHOL! We have rules for a reason douchecanoe. If you desperately need the preteen girls to swoon over your military status or really need that sympathy beer (or you're being recognized by the Blues) wear your fucking dress uniform. It makes you look better. And you can legally drink in it. And the preteen girls swoon even harder over the medals. If I see you in battle dress with a beer, I will fucking call you out, and your rank doesn't mean shit when you're wrong.

PaperworkNinja:

Mascots should wear pants. Seriously. My junior hockey team's mascot wears pants and is a FISH for fuck's sake.

You may not be able to hang with Charles Glenn's high note during the national anthem, but you get points for trying.

Odd man rush vs. opposing team: GO GO GO! Odd man rush vs. Blues: oh fuck oh fuck please stop that Miller

Kelly Backes is a SAINT.

Little kids playing hockey between periods is cool. Adults playing broomball between periods isn't.

If you live near St. Louis, GO TO THE GAMES. SERIOUSLY. Make sellouts actual sellouts

rminton:

Being a hockey fan and not living in the city where your team is from can be difficult. Finding games to watch is one of the hardest parts of becoming a fan. If you are a Blues fan who doesn’t live in the city or the metro area, you can still follow them on Fox Sports Midwest If you still live in the general area. For those with smart phones, you can download an app called Hockey Radio. It has radio feeds for every team in the NHL. Hockey isn’t as exciting on the radio, but is well worth listening to when a TV feed can’t be found. It has a slight delay to its broadcast, but not enough to be irritating. Did I mention its free? If you have problems remembering when all the games are download the St. Louis Blues official app. It gives you an alert 10 minutes before the puck drops. It’s just enough time to find out where and how to watch the game. It also gives you live updates when a goal is scored and when the periods end. The NHL’s Game Center Live is actually far from live.

Sometimes living away from St. Louis means you live in an area packed with fans of another team. If you live in a place that’s filled with fans of another team don’t be intimidated. Just think WWBD: What Would Backes Do? Put them into the boards, make fun of their hair.

A. Lippo:

Grinders: No they are not sandwiches from Bellacino's nor are they a mechanism to crush pepper. These are terms for players with limited offensive skill that are primarily used to kill penalties, provide energy, and contribute physically. Blues fans and Coach Cock loves these kind of guys. Most teams grinders play on the 4th line. Ours play on the 2nd and 3rd

Donut King:

This isn’t difficult, people.

* The Power Play Dance. Rumor has it that it started when a mentally-challenged kid was doing a silly dance to celebrate that the Blues were awarded a power play, and some people--noticing the kid--started doing the dance too because they were mocking the lovable scamp. It caught fire. I will never be in favor of this stupid fucking thing, and I hope others join me in my wish to eradicate it from existence. I mean, just change the fucking song, right?

* Towel Boy. Yes, he’s Towel Boy, not Towel Man. Actually, he SHOULD be called "Towel Douche", because he presents himself (whether or not he’s aware of it, and I take it he’s not self-aware enough for this) as a self-aggrandizing self-important douche who will solicit donations for his "craft" tools (namely, his season tickets and his towels). If you’re going to be a season ticket holder who is a self-aggrandizing self-important douche who wears a lighted suit and gets off on people yelling the number of goals the team has scored while an overly-loud bell rings, do it with your own fucking money. Don’t go begging for mine. I’m broke anyway. Fuck off.

* And finally . . . if you, for any reason, walk to your seat in the middle of play and I glare at you and you wonder why, you DO deserve to get kicked in the teeth, man or woman. Mind you, I am not a violent person. But I’m trying to watch a fucking game here, and there’s this thing (which you probably saw earlier) called "etiquette". Learn it, and you can share my section in peace.

Aside from that . . . buy home game tickets and go to town. If you really want to know what’s going on without reading a stupid slideshow, turn to the guy next to you in the super sweet Tyson Nash/Shayne Corson/D.J. King sweater. Chances are he knows a shitload more about how to be a hockey fan than everyone in the building. Trust me . . . you’ll thank me later.

RealBadRobot:

It is annoying to yell shoot as soon as someone from the Blues touches the puck... it doesn't work that way.

The word shutout should never be uttered before and during the game. It will bite you in the ass for sure.

Learn these phrases and learn them well: Detroit sucks, Shitcago blows, Fuck Chicago, Fuck Detroit. Also DeadThings and FuckHawks.

Don't be one of THOSE fans who hate on the goalie alone for a loss. That goalie has five other guys in front of him.

What are your tips for being a Blues fan? Leave 'em in the comments!

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