By Sean Gallagher
The Columbus Blue Jackets, who fell just short of duplicating the name of a certain already-existing hockey team when they entered the league, have a "get to know the players" segment on their website. This week they decided to let everyone know a little more about new forward Mike Peca.
Peca is a bit quiet, so all we knew about him beforehand was that he prefers that people refer to him as "Michael", which makes us assume he's kind of a douche.Â Mike apparentlyÂ prefers one word answers to actually answering someone's question, which is somewhat less than fulfilling and a bit shy on actually helping fans "get to know" the real Mike. What a great idea, because Peca has become such a boring non-factor of a players that even his official bio at the NHLPA's site stopped tracking anything he's done after 2003. Wise decision, NHLPA.
To avoid any actual interesting content, the players are asked to list their "favorites". What results is a boring and confusing list that doesn't actually teach fans jack shit about their favorite players other than meaningless minutiae like the fact that they like italian food.
We decided to help out. Take a look below to see Mike's actual answers and our 100% Guaranteed (*) actual translations.
(*) answers not guaranteed to be actual.
Mike Peca, what's your favorite...
Sports Team? The Buffalo Bills.
Our translation: Hi, I'm kind of a loser. I like loser teams and kind of stay away from winning. Therefore, I love the Buffalo Bills and the Chicago Cubs, I play for the Columbus Blue Jackets and I've never won a Stanley Cup. I don't plan to ever win one, actually, which is why I signed on with the BJs. Also, I'm usually the first guy out when we play Texas Hold 'Em on the team flights.
Favorite Gift As A Child? A Buffalo Bills Coat.
Our translation: I always liked getting beat up as a kid.
Favorite Hockey Player Growing Up? Steve Yzerman.
Our translation: Did I mention that I'm kind of a douche? Yeah, well I am. So really liking Stevie Yzerman was a natural choice. Plus, being a fairly dull and unimaginative child, it was easy to just pick the same guy as all the other douche kids on the short bus.
Favorite Athlete? Tiger Woods.
Our translation: I have this sweet list of easy answers that one of the coaches gave me. It reminds me of stuff like who's the best golfer, who I should say is a good hockey player, that Eddie Van Halen is the best guitar player ever and that I really like golfing, italian food and spending time with my family. Cheat sheets make me not hurt my brains.
Favorite Musical Performers? George Strait, Nickelback, Jack Johnson.
Our translation: Canada Rocks, eh?
Favorite Actor? Gene Hackman.
Our translation: Dude, he was fucking awesome in "Welcome To Mooseport"! Plus that had Ray Romano in it and Ray Romano is the funniest guy I've ever seen, except for Larry The Cable Guy. Git R Done!
Favorite Movie? Wizard of OZ.
Our translation: I'm mildly retarded. And I might be gay.
Favorite TV Shows? 24, Heroes.
Our translation: I pretty much do what I'm told. Plus, my bedtime is at 9 p.m.
Favorite Cable Channel? The Golf Channel.
Our translation: You know how some times you get all wired up, like after a game or when you've had a good session of Donkey Kong? And you're just charged up and running all over the house and ready to just pound something or go nuts? That's when they make me lie down under the heavy blankets and watch the Golf Channel. Thank you, Golf Channel.
Favorite Magazine? The Dupont Registry of Fine Homes.
Our translation: I never learned to read.
Favorite Food? Italian.
Our translation: That's how I actually order, too. We go to a restaurant and when it's my turn, I just say, "italian, please". Mmmm, mmmm. Italian is delicious.
Favorite NHL City? Montreal.
Our translation: I already told you I love italian. Montreal is so italian that everyone even speaks not-english there. Delicious.
Favorite Vacation Spot? Naples, Florida.
Our translation: You keep asking the questions that have the same answers. I told you I love italian, so I love to go to italian for vacation, too. Naples is delicious italian.