By Brad Lee
Cellphone begins playing Springsteen's "Born in the U.S.A"
Damn, that's a good song. Hello?
Hey Dougie! Big Walt here. Remember me?
Walt! Oh my God, it's so good to hear from you. Man, it has been soooooo quiet around here without your big mouth yapping all the time. How's Atlanta?
We're still in the playoffs right now, so I can't complain.
I'm just saying. You know playing with this Russian kid Kovalchuk, nobody knows how to pronounce our freaking names. It's wicked funny. I'm gonna start calling us the upchuck line or something cause I'm Big Walt. How's the team since Billy got traded?
Well we beat Vancouver Tuesday night. I had two goals. You watch?
Saw the highlights. You were so good, I though it was a game on ESPN Classic from 1999.
Thanks, dick. You know it's not the same without you guys around here. You know how hard it is to have a conversation now? You've got some young kids who don't appreciate good '80s music, some smelly European dudes who mumble a lot and don't always wear deodorant and a coach who puts notes under my door at 4 a.m. The only guy close to my age I can have a good talk with now is Manny. You ever try talking to a goalie? It's like he's been hit in the head or something.
Moron, he has. That's when we started winning.
I tell you what, you better come back here this summer or I'm going to have to learn how to speak Czech Republican. It's harder than French. Hey, hold on, I've got another call coming in.
Hey Dougie. I'm wearing teal right now and it sucks!
Billy! Saw you guys lost to Nashville last night in a shootout. Bet that feels familiar.
Yeah, same old same old. Hey listen, tell the guys I miss them, even that Orszagh dude who kept hanging around claiming he was on the team. I take it back, I wish I would have stayed. I, uh, I (sound of whimpering) I miss you guys.