Approaching the current NHL comissioner-for-life, the Sith Lord- Darth Oblivious, is never easy. But the Mad Interviewer tracked him down in aÂ loo, rapidly firing the following questions and shaking on it. (well really this entire bit, including the interview, Â is fictional).
Mad Interviewer (MI): What prompted your departure of the NBAÂ for the, at that time, pristine waters of the NHL?
Darth Oblivious (DO): I got tired of looking at everyone's knees, I wanted to go somewhere I could look people straight in the navel.
Â MI: Under your administration, television ratings have all but....
DO: (interrupting) Ratings? RATINGS?!? We don't need no stinkin' ratings.
Â MI: You are commissioner-for-life, yet your contract lasts only "well past your 60th birthday." Can we anticipate some sort of final solution on your end when you near your mid-60's?
Â DO: Not at all. Currently, a cocktail containing, amoung other things, the blood of twins has not only stopped the aging process but reversed it. I shall never reach 60 as long as at leastÂ one Sedin remains in my grasp.
MI: Can you tell me a little bit about your reign as NHL commissioner- for- life?
DO: Three labor stopages, the elimination of Canadian and Northern US teams for the uninterestedÂ Sun Belt, the bankruptcy of four organizations, the loss of a national tv contract, the decrease in game flow and goal scoring, the rise of the Euro-Trash, and the introduction of the instigator rule.
Â MI: And the positive things you've accomplished?
DO: Those were the positive things I accomplished
Â MI: Who did you model your NHL management style after? Did you have any mentors?
DO: David Franken Stern, obviously. I mean it is hard for an NBA commish to install an NHL commish, but he managed. But also I need to give a nod to Vlad Dracula, his relationship within his own community and with his own peopleÂ inspired me to the highest heights.
MI: Well you certainly put a lot of NHL fans through unbearable misery.
DO: Exactly, but don't forget the blood. Never forget the blood..
MI: What does the future hold for the NHL under your continuingÂ leadership?
DO: The same, only even moreÂ so. AsÂ televison and press coverage all but disapear, the excesses of my personality will no longer need to be hidden.
MI: What about the state of the game?
DO: What game?
DO: Oh, I think we will be putting in a 'vote for the winner' feature so that ties are decided by calls to a 900 number. Also, expect more outside games as we can't afford the overhead of these indoor stadium events anymore. And maybe more Emilio Estevez hockey-themed movies.
MI & DO: [flush]