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D.J. King Will End Us All

You're scaring me, Dwayne!Â

By Marcus Pettersson

There's no reason to deny it anymore. All the evidence is right there for everyone to see. I know he's been trying hard to disguise himself by buying a condo, throwing parties and whatnot. But the act is up now. No need to lie anymore. DJ "Party Boy" King is in fact none other than Cronus (one of the Twelve Titans in Greek mythology) reincarnated!

Pretty crazy, stupid, idiotic, bold statement, huh? "Where's the proof", you ask? "Been drinkin' too much of that sweet Swedish vodka, you sissy, euro queen, moron, nice guy?"

Well, here's the proof right here! Just look at the photo above and compare it to the famous Goya painting:

Don't mess with the King, kid!

Uncanny, right? That should be proof enough! But, if you still can't believe it, read these Wikipedia lines about Cronus:

"Gaia created a great sickle and gathered together Cronus and his brothers to persuade them to kill Uranus. Only Cronus was willing to do the deed, so Gaia gave him the sickle and placed him in ambush. When Uranus met with Gaia, Cronus attacked Uranus with the sickle by cutting off his genitals, castrating him and casting the severed member into the sea."

Just like coach Dafoe use to persuade King to take on other goons, right? Castrating dudes, just like King did to Darcy Hordichuk in that game, see? And it continues...

"Cronus learned from Gaia and Uranus that he was destined to be overcome by his own son, just as he had overthrown his father. As a result [...] he swallowed [his own children] all as soon as they were born to preempt the prophecy."

Sadistical? Check. Paranoid? Check. Really hungry? Eats his own children?! Likes to party? Check. Check. And check again!

All other teams better beware. DJ Cronus is coming... Now, I've got another bottle to finish. Tada!

P.S. We are all doomed. D.S.