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We Be Cavemen!

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By Marcus Pettersson

...meanwhile, somewhere in St. Louis, it's the annual Cavemen Anonymous meeting.

Bobby Holik Hello. My name Bobby. I be caveman.

All: Hello Bobby!

Mike Ricci Please Robert, tell us about yourself.

Bobby Holik No! My name Bobby! I be American! I have have American name! But I be caveman too. I be caveman for 37 year.

Evgeni Malkin That be long time...

Chris Chelios Bah! 37? That's all? You boy scout! I've been a caveman for 46 long years! And I don't care what any of you losers think, I'm proud to be a caveman. My father was a caveman, my mother was a cavewoman. Their folks were too! It goes on for generations, man!

Mike Ricci Now, now! Calm down. Let Robert... I mean Bobby... talk.

Bobby Holik I be caveman. I live America 20 year. I still not know language! That all I say. No more words.

Brent Sopel Ah, come on now Holik. We're all cavemen here. Right guys? You've got nothing to worry about. That's why we're here, to talk about this stuff.

Bobby Holik I no more words.

Chris Chelios You mean you don't know anymore English words, don't you?

Bobby Holik I no more words I say!

Mike Ricci Oooookay... Moving on then. Anyone else have anything to say? What about you, the new guy. Evg... Evganny, is that right?

Evgeni Malkin My name Evgeni. I be caveman.

All: Hello Evgeni!

Evgeni Malkin I be caveman two year. I be... how you say? Stud? I be stud home in Russia. I become caveman day I step off air flying plane in America. Other hockey player in Pijtsburg they say stud. But me ugly. Me caveman.

Zdeno Chara That sad. But no tuff. Me tuff! Me be giant! Me hit puck very hard! Me big. Me hero in Slovakia. Me caveman warrior. Me push you down. Me push you down hard on ice! Me hurt you!

Mike Ricci Okay, okay, Zdeno. We know you're tough.

Zdeno Chara Hey, I just say. I kill you.

Mike Ricci Please Evg... Evganny. Go on.

Evgeni Malkin I say no more. Me sad. Me cry me so ugly. I call home Babushka. Babushka say me beautiful hockey player!

Chris Chelios Hahaha! What a sissy!

Brent Sopel Yea! Haha! What was that all about?

Alexander Ovechkin My turn now?

Mike Ricci Sure Alex, go ahead.

World's biggest douchebag [Sigh.] Okay, here we go...

Alexander Ovechkin My name Alexander. I be great caveman and hockey player. I make love to American woman long time. My buddy Semin say I score both bed and ice. I laugh him! He so funny! I score goal, I score American woman. Understand? I be great young caveman!

Chris Chelios Dude, get over yourself.

Alexander Ovechkin What you mean? You too old to party big time? I be greatest caveman forever! I score four goal one game! I score two American woman later same day. I feel great, me strong caveman stud!

Zdeno Chara I be stronger caveman! I hit you face! I shoot puck hard on pinky toe. I hurt you little pinky.

Alright, Zdeno. Settle down now. Do you have anything else to say Alex?

Alexander Ovechkin No. Me greatest caveman hockey player. I sign big contract. I score American woman!

Me no score.

Alexander Ovechkin Ha! You be ugly!

Chris Chelios Damn straight!

Brent Sopel Yea, Bobby! You're even uglier than I am!

Zdeno Chara I shoot you face!

Mike Ricci Okay, okay! I guess that's it for today. Next time somebody else will have to lead the meeting. I just don't have it in me anymore...

Chris Chelios Boo-hoo, Ricci. You sissy.

D.J. King Hey you guys! There you are! I've been looking all over for you. There's a party at the condo! Let's go!

Alexander Ovechkin You have beautiful American woman?

Donkey King Kong No. But the Sedin twins are there!

Chris Chelios Good enough.