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I’ve Got A Call On The Other Line

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By Brad Lee

Scene: A plush executive office at the Jobing.com Arena in Glendale, Ariz. General manager/Gretzky lackey Don Maloney is on the phone.

I had no idea what Don Maloney looked like too. Seriously, I will not trade you any of our young guys OR Wayne Gretzky. Stop calling.

Darryl Sutter, possibly a leprechaun Damn. I need to get someone to really drive Keenan insane and I figured Gretzky could do it. Worth a try. You want Owen Nolan? You can have him for a case of pucks and a cold, frosty Molson Ice. The Molson is optional.

I had no idea what Don Maloney looked like too. Damn. It's tempting, but no. (click) I've got a call on the other line. I gotta go...Coyotes hockey, catch the howl. This is Don, how can I help you?

Bob Gainey. Love the hair. Donny boy, Bobby Gainey here. I'll keep this short and sweet. My fans all speak French and they are PISSED we haven't been good since Patrick Roy left. I just traded Huet to Washington for no good reason. I need to add an exciting player. Is Martin Hanzal available?

I had no idea what Don Maloney looked like too. Are you high? No.

Bob Gainey. Love the hair. Damn. (click) I've got a call on the other line. Later skater... Bonjour. Je m'appelle Bob.

Brian Burke. Not friendly. Stop speaking that Pig Latin. Bobby, this is Brian Burke. I'm offering Todd Bertuzzi to every team in the league. My best offer is a gift card to Tim Hortons. And while they've got that new Deli Trio sandwiche with smoked chicken, Black Forest ham and summer sausage, It's just not enough.

Bob Gainey. Love the hair. You're the moron who signed him. You keep him.

Brian Burke. Not friendly. Damn. (click) I've got a call on the other line. Your team sucks. Talk to you later... Ducks. This is Burke. Go.

Garth Snow really is an NHL GM. Seriously. Brian, buddy. Garth Snow here.

Brian Burke. Not friendly. Why are you calling me? I don't need a backup goalie. I thought you were retired.

Garth Snow really is an NHL GM. Seriously. Damn. Not again. I'm the GM of the New York Islanders. Go look on Wikipedia. I was calling today to offer you a great deal on a very reliable defenseman, Bryan Berard. He has great vision on the ice...some nights. He does a great pirate impersonation in the dressing room. He... (click) I've got a call on the other line. I'll call you back...Wang's World, Garth speaking.

Brett Hull is an NHL GM. Seriously. Party on, Garth. Brett Hull here. I'm on the golf course after trading for Brad Richards. We've already booked our Stanley Cup parade through downtown Dallas and I'm just looking for a 12-year-old bottle of scotch for the celebration. That or a bottle of Buffalo Sabres tears. Got either? I'll trade you Krystopher Barch.

Garth Snow really is an NHL GM. Seriously. I have to dangle every trade by Mr. Wang, but I'm going to already say no.

Brett Hull is an NHL GM. Seriously. Damn. (click) I've got a call on the other line. Hope it's 141 Liquors...Dallas Stars, we play ice hockey. Hullie speaking.

Not actually Lou Lamoriello. But he could be. Hello Brett. Lou Lamoriello here. I hope it's nice and warm in Dallas. I wish I could be there. I've traded for Bryce Salvador this morning, but no one knows who the hell he is. I need to make a splash. I want Modano. I'll make you an offer you can't refuse. How about your soul which you signed over to me for that goal in the crease in Buffalo and I'll throw in Jay Pandolfo. Sound fair to you?

Brett Hull is an NHL GM. Seriously. As much as I would like my soul back, I've been doing ok without it. Call me next deadline.

Not actually Lou Lamoriello. But he could be. Damn. I thought you might say that. (click) I've got a call on the other line...Devils. We don't play in Hell, it's just Newark. Head devil speaking.

Peter Chiarelli, actually Boston's GM. Who knew? Lou, Peter Chiarelli with the Boston Bruins here. We haven't made a dumb trade all day. The fans are getting anxious. I was just online and some of the fans think I might actually have something smart in the pipeline. I have to pounce on this new sliver of faith. I'll give you three first round picks for Jay Pandolfo.

Not actually Lou Lamoriello. But he could be. Peter. You should have called me five minutes ago. I've got an offer on the table for Pandolfo. Maybe there's someone else you might like.

Peter Chiarelli, actually Boston's GM. Who knew? Damn. Damn. Damn. (click) I've got a call on the other line. I'll look at your Web site and get back to you...Bruins Hockey, we used to have Bobby Orr. Peter speaking.

Larry Pleau is still the Blues GM. Seriously. Peter, Larry Pleau with the St. Louis Bl (click) ues. Hello, Peter? Are you there? Peter?

(end scene)