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Meanwhile, At The Condo

By Marcus Pettersson

[D.J. King's brother Dwight is visiting. D.J. has promised him a tour of the apartment, as soon as D.J.'s home teacher leaves...]

Cam JanssenYou did good today, D.J. Next week we'll start with geometric topology and the Schönflies theorem. We'll just go from there and see where we land, OK? See ya!

D.J. KingBye, now.

Dwight KingMan, I can't believe you're being home schooled. That guy's really your teacher?

D.J. KingYeah, he's real smart too. He went to some good high school or other, apparently that's important, I don't know. So, you want to look around then?

Dwight KingSure!

D.J. KingWell, here's Perron's bed. He used to sleep here before he moved in with that trainer guy.

Dwight KingBut that's your bed, Dwayne. You've had that since we were kids!

D.J. KingYeah, I sleep on the couch when Perron comes over. And here's the bathroom. Nice, huh?

Dwight KingCool. Actually, I need to take a lea...

D.J. KingNo! That's a big no-no! That's Perron's toilet.

Dwight KingPerron's toilet? You mean that French guy on your team? He doesn't even live here! Well, where do you go?

D.J. KingI usually go down to the janitor's office. Mostly I try to keep it in as long as I can, 'cause it smells real bad there.

Dwight KingBut I really need to go, Dwayne.

D.J. KingCan't you hold it?

Dwight King...I guess...

D.J. KingHey! Wanna play a cool video game? I got this new one, where you play as a monkey, and he's really strong!

Dwight KingSure thing. A monkey, huh?

D.J. KingWell, I think he's a gorilla, actually. It's a really cool game. His name is Donkey Kong. Haha! How can a monkey be called Donkey?! Only I call him Donkey King Kong, 'cause I pretend I'm him, you know, like I'm him and he's me. And he can jump and push the crocs around. He's real cool like. He just want's his bananas! Know what I mean?

Dwight KingNot really... so, can we both play at the same time?

D.J KingNot sure. Maybe we could, 'cause Donkey Kong has a friend called Diddy who you could play as. You can call him Diddy King Kong, and we can be brothers and best friends, jumping around and eating bananas.

Dwight KingWe are brothers, Dwayne.

D.J. KingYou got any bananas?

Dwight KingWhat do you mean?

D.J. KingDo you or don't you?

Dwight KingNo, I don't have any bananas.

D.J. KingWell, there you go then.

Dwight KingWhat? That doesn't make any sense, Dwayne.

[There's a knock on the door.]

D.J. KingI'll get it.

Mike KeenanHello, asshole. This the caveman meeting?

D.J. KingNah, it's over in Eureka this week. Janssen's place. I don't know if he made it home yet, though.

Mr DouchebagOh, OK. Sorry to bother you, fartface.

D.J. KingRight, where were we?

Dwight KingWe were going to play that game of yours. Donkey Kong.

D.J. KingRight. Here's your control. Remember, I'm Donkey King Kong and you're Diddy King Kong, 'kay? Diddy's the one with the red hat and Donkey's the one with all the muscles.

Dwight Kong. I mean King.Alright, let's do this. Wait! What in... this game is old as hell! What is this? Super Nintendo? What the hell happened to the PS3 I got you for christmas?

D.J. KingMe and Perron traded. He told me about this game, you know, Donkey Kong. That you were a monkey called Donkey. Haha! That's so funny! I just had to do it!

Dwight KingDavid Perron? That French guy again? He totally ripped you off, man!

D.J. KingYeah, he used to scare me, but he's really nice and kinda funny. One time we we're going to order in some food, and watch some pornogr... I mean, we we're playing cards, right? And we were hungry, so David ordered frog legs! He said they tasted just like chicken.

Dwight KingYou didn't try any? Supposed to be a delicacy.

D.J. KingI didn't want to.

Dwight KingWhy not?

D.J. KingI don't know. Maybe because... Do you remember Billy Robertson from the old neighborhood?

Dwight KingSure.

D.J. KingWell... one summer, at fight camp, Billy and his friends hid a frog in my bag. To frighten me, I guess. Only I didn't get scared at all, and later I crushed Billy's head against the wall, but I really liked the frog, and the frog liked me. I used to kiss it to see if it'd turn into a prince. Well, a princess, I guess, 'cause it was a girl frog. Only it never did. And I used to call it Maria, just like that singing lady in The Sound of Music. But Maria... she didn't sing. I tried shaking her, but she wouldn't, and then the nazis came, 'cause it was World War II and the Von Trapps had to leave the country, and I had to go home from camp, and it was really hot that summer, remember? I put Maria in my bag, and when I got home I was gonna take her up and kiss her and we were gonna be lovers forever, but she didn't move. Her skin was really dry. So i tried CPR, but she was so small... so very small...

Dwight KingMy oh my... I need something to drink.

D.J. King...snivel...

Dwight KingYou have some beers or something?

D.J. KingI have some red wine. But we can't touch it. It's Perron's.

Dwight KingFigures.