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On This Day in Blues History…

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By Adam Duke

May 15, 1984 - John Michael "Ozzy" Osbourne was arrested in Memphis, Tennessee for being "staggering drunk" in public.

What does this have to do with the Blues?

Memphis legend has it that he was traveling by foot to Kalvola, Finland to stop the birth of a child. That child was Hannu Toivonen. Oh, and he was wearing this:

Rumor has it that once, when Ozzy was trapped underneath a boulder, he cut off his own arm with a knife to free himself. Since I don't have any credible sources of what happened next, I'm going to go off of the next best thing: hearsay and rumor. After he cut off his arm, he jumped off the cliff and broke his fall with his face, just because he's that tough. Then he got ambushed by a tribe of angry Indians, caught an arrow in his heart, pulled it out and killed all the warriors with it. On his way back a buffalo crossed his path so what did Ozzy do? He head-butt it to death, then he found its offspring and broke their ribs just for pissing him off. Then he chopped down a tree with his undoubtedly large penis, built a raft out of it and rafted down the green river. That's the damn truth, more or less.

That's right - Ozzy was foretold of the birth of the one who would destroy the franchise from between its own pipes, threw on his favorite Brian Sutter shirt, and set out for Finland with nothing in his pockets aside from lint and knives... and probably some booze. It's a long walk.

Ozzy is clearly a man's man who eats rocks and shits gunpowder, and that's what this fan base needs more of. I'm sick of seeing frat boys with spiked hair sitting in my section trying to start the wave, and whiny bitches who complain that the geniuses who yell for the towel-boy to "JUUUUUMMMP" after each of his interruptions should stop because it's mean spirited. It's not that it's mean spirited, it's just that we don't all menstruate. Ozzy would never pack up his testicles and carry them in a purse, and you shouldn't either.

The fact that we're living in a world with images like these...

Ozzy saw this in a vision, 24 years ago today.Kermit, however, could have never envisioned this.

is evidence enough to understand that Ozzy failed to reach Finland on that day, 24 years ago, and Hannu was born 3 days later. Although he failed on May 15, 1984, it's important for all of us to remember the spirit that Osbourne embodied on that day. He was the Blue Revolution before whoever wrote that failed marketing campaign was even born.

Here's to you, John Michael Osbourne - a great Blues fan and a great man who deserves all of our respect for being such a badass.