By Brad Lee
Hockeyfest sounds like such a nice idea on paper.
The Blues have the fourth overall pick, so unless they trade down (exactly like they did last year), they're going to hopefully get a good player at the top of the draft. So holding a draft party at the Drinkscotch Center instead of in a crowded, loud and sweaty sports bar like last year is a good idea. And making a whole weekend out of the event is even better. A bunch of the proceeds are going to charity, a stellar idea. But then there's this "celebrity" hockey game Saturday night that is destined to not end well.
Back in mid-May, season ticket holders were sent an e-mail detailing the weekend of events and included the roster of stars to appear. Here's the graphic that was in the e-mail:
Hey look, it's a bunch of Blues players and some kind of famous people. Hopefully Andy Murray won't be a coach and bench Perron in the third period. Alan Thicke, there's a pleasant memory from my youth. That Michael Vartan guy looks vaguely familiar. DB Sweeney, sounds like a Canadian name. And what's this, right next to the guy with the emo bangs? Why it's Dave Coulier, otherwise known as
Uncle Joey from Full House! You know, this guy [EDIT: As a commenter pointed out, the character Joey on Full House was not in fact an uncle.]:
I was all set. I was going to boo him and yell "Fuck Detroit!" and throw an octopus at him. I was going to let everyone in my section know
Uncle Joey taught the Olsen twins how to use drugs and what bulemia is and how he pushed Candace Cameron (you know, D.J. Tanner) to not only a super-soft Fruit Euro, but one of the softest of them all -- the overrated, not as genetically-blessed former Blue, Valeri Bure.
I had high hopes I was going to make Uncle Joey cry (and somewhere Allanis Morisette was going to smile). And now my plans have been thwarted by the caveat under the photo of the stars: Celebrities, players and alumni scheduled to appear are subject to change. Now Uncle Joey isn't on the listing. A lot of people aren't on the listing.
You mean to tell me Uncle Joey has a different gig lined up? Someone else booked the talents of Dave Coulier? Doubtful. I think Coulier was surfing around on the Interwebs and saw that the No. 1 sports blog for the St. Louis Blues is still holding steady at No. 4 on the Google search results for the phrase "fuck Detroit." I think he knew he was going to get the visiting Red Wings treatment. I think Dave Coulier is a pussy.
Now the "celebrity" game has Kim Alexis (definitely a cougar, which is nice) and some woman named Kate Linder from a soap opera. And of course Alan Thicke who will apparently play in your pickup street hockey game if you put his photo on your Web site. To make the event even more awkward, one of the most famous Blackhawks, Bobby Hull, is scheduled to be one of the coaches for the game along with Charlie Spoonhour, the former St. Louis University basketball coach. Makes perfect sense.