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Translating GM Speak II

The GM Translator 2000 EZ.

By Brad Lee

With the release of the Blues' schedule for the coming season, Blues president John Davidson spoke to Jeremy Rutherford of the Post-Dispatch. Whilst eating our morning curds and whey, we read aloud JD's comments. We had forgotten that the GM Translator 2000 EZ was still plugged in and the thing sprung to life. Here's what Davidson said about the schedule where the Blues will play fewer division games (six compared to eight) and more games against the Eastern Conference:

The fans wanted to see more variety...that's what they wanted and I think there's a lot more balance in that respect.

Hmmm. What's with the elipses? And is he trying to sound intentionally vague? After pecking on a few keys and feeding the machine an arcane paper strip with a series of weird holes in it, here's what the Translator spit out, giving us what JD was really saying:
The fans wanted to see more variety. Frankly, they were sick and fucking tired of seeing the damn Blue Jackets what seemed like a dozen times last year. It was horrible. You think we can turn this franchise around and afford actual good players when we've got a schedule full of Columbus and Nashville games on Tuesday nights in January and February? Indoor soccer is an easier ticket to sell than those games. We're not miracle workers here, so it was about damned time that munchkin of a commissioner finally grew some balls and stood up to Lou Lamoriello to change the schedule. You know how many games the Devils rode a bus to last season?

Wow. We had no idea JD felt so strongly. And as the chumps who put together the underground paper sold outside Blues home games, putting together the paper for that fourth Columbus home game every year was like a water boarding session combined with hooking your balls up to a car battery. Not that we'd know what that feels like. Where were we? Oh yeah, JD had a little more to say to Rutherford.
The fans will get a chance to look at the players they only hear about. I like variety, don't get bored with it.

Oh boy. I hope the GM Translator 2000 EZ is kind this morning. Wonder where this one is headed.
On Nov. 1, our fans will get a chance to see Sidney Crosby again. I'm secure enough in my masculinity to say that not only is he a tremendous, world-class hockey player but he also has one helluva body. I remember his rookie year we were doing a Penguins game at the Garden. Afterward, I waited around in the dressing room while he showered so I could interview him. I like variety don't get bored with it.

Our advice to hockey front offices everywhere: Be careful what you say. The Translator is listening.