By Sean Gallagher
Brad Lee and I discussed the proper way to honor Paul Newman on this site today. As fans of the only great hockey movie in history, Newman's portrayal of coach/player Reg Dunlop and his hard-charging Charlestown Chiefs, we were at a loss as to how best memorialize his passing.
Then I drank like 50 beers at a party.
Brad Lee is our game-day live blog master, but I have the DVD of "Slapshot" and I'm the one who had 50 beers already tonight, so here we go, with a twist. Rather than live-blog my viewing of the movie, we present to you, "Slapshot: The Quotes." We hope you enjoy it, we're just trying to capture the spirit of the thing. We bet you can't help but see the movie unfold in front of you. By the way, spoiler alert: this movie has been out for 31 years and if you haven't seen it yet, we reveal the ending here.
In sequence, "Slapshot" in quotes:
"Icing happen when da puck come down, bang, before da other guys, nobody dere ya know. My arm comes go up and the game stops and start up."
"You do dat you go to da box you know, two minutes by yourself and you feel shame, you know. And den you get free."
"Dunlop, you stink!"
"I hate you Braden!"
"Frog Pussy!"
"I got stinkin' shitfaced on the bus, Louise left me and that son of a bitch over there keeps playin' me, when he knows I'm shitfaced... Anybody throws me against the boards, I'm gonna piss all over myself."
"Yeah, Johnny always says you can only drink so much and screw so much."
"Hit 'em with your purse, you pussy!"
"Ensemble number 32, entitled 'Omar Shariff' modeled by Chiefs defense man Billy Charlesboy, who hails from, if I can read the card here, Moosejaw Saskatchewan."
"I'm gonna flash 'em Joe. I'm gonna waddle down that aisle, I'm gonna open this faggot bathrobe and wiggle my dick at 'em. Yes I am Joe. And you know why? Because I want you to have a heart attack and die so that we never have to do this shit again. You and your fuckin' fashion show. I'm gonna wiggle at 'em, ya cheap bastard and you better be prepared because when I yank it out, everyone in that audience with the exception of my wife is gonna be running for the exits."
"Hey Dunlop, you old fart, why don't you get out of the game..."
"Idiot McGrath and his shitty P.R. Schemes."
"I hate here. I'm breaking up, you know what I mean? I'm slipping fast."
"The new boys are coming on the 4:15 bus."
"Fucking machine took my quarter!"
"Those guys are retard."
"They brought their fucking toys with them!"
"I was trying to catch the spirit of the thing, Reg."
"You take the van; I'll keep the dog."
"Maybe Braden's a faggot, you ever think of that?" "You crazy, he have big cock; like a horse."
"You've been had. That's his wife."
"You're a losing coach, you can't make 'em win. I was thinking about you the other day and I was trying to imagine you when you're through with hockey and I couldn't. There was nobody there."
"I underlined the fuck scenes for ya."
"They're fucking horrible. What'd McGrath trade for these guys, a used puck bag?"
"Hey guys. You brothers?"
"Ogilthorpe."
"Ogiltorpe?"
"He's not playing, he's suspended."
"Puttin' on the foil. For the game. You want some?"
"Jesus Christ. They don't leave the bench."
"That's right. Get out there and stick 'em. Fuckin' Christ, pop 'em. That's right. Yeaaah!"
"It's fucking embarrassing."
"Fucking team's folding."
"Fucking Chrysler plant, here I come."
"Team fini. Caput."
"Trade me right fucking now. And hang up."
"I know a good bar here. Palm Isle. I fucked a barmaid here last time."
"Ten bucks he says, 'All the guys at work.'"
"I don't want to play no more, you broke the darn car!"
"At the end of the day, I think about women. Y'know, I think about women's bodies. Things might change, I might end up thinking about old goalies, the way things are."
"Let's just say that there's a senior citizens community in the running for the Chiefs."
"Daddy, he called me a pussy and changed the channel!"
"How could anyone in his right mind buy a fifth-place team?" [Note to Blues ownership.]
"Hanrahan, Suzanne sucks pussy!"
"Hey Hanrahan! She's a dyke! I know, I know!"
"You nailed him coach! Right in his fucking head. You nailed him right in his fucking mind!"
"Uh, that's the dog that saved Charlestown from the 1938 flood." "Well, fuck him."
"Dickie Dunn wrote this; it must be true!"
"Here's to all that gorgeous snatch in F-L-A."
"You've got an expression of sadness on you face."
"You know what your problem is, Dunlop? You're too fucking old to play this game."
"Too much, too soon."
"Dave's a Killer!"
"Dave's mess."
"But Dave's out. Who we got? OK guys, show us what you got."
"God save us."
"These guys are a fucking disgrace."
"What are you running here, a goddamn dancefloor?"
"Joe, who own da Chiefs? Owns-ah! Owns-ah!"
"You're a goalie, you're supposed to be like that."
"I don't like the way they cover their jugs all up with the feathers, y'know Reg?"
"Ogilthorpe fucked the last girl on the pinwheel of the extravaganza."
"You look like my mother; you're beautiful!"
"It's their rink, their ice and their fucking town, but tonight we got our fans with us tonight and they spent their own dough to get here and they came here to see us. Alright, let's show 'em what we got, guys. Get out there on the ice and let 'em know you're there. Get that fucking stick in his side and let 'em know you're there. Get that lumber in his teeth and let 'em know you're there!"
"And there's no one to stop it because there are no officials on the ice. What has come over the Charlestowne Chiefs?"
"I'm listening to the fucking song!"
"Makin' it look mean!"
"Hey Reg? I think I'm gonna change my name. Killer. Yeah."
"I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna goon it up for ya."
"Their bus is coming up the street! They're coming!"
"You goons! You can't skate!"
[Plager brothers scene.]
"Is this the guy?" "No, no, not him. The other guy!"
"The players are standing up them! Security is standing up to them! The peanut vendors are standing up to them! And if I was down there, by god, I'd be standing up to them!"
"Hey fellas, there's six of them out there for us!"
"I'd just like to see the bail a little more reasonable..."
[Um, never noticed the fan helping the guys onto the bus wearing the Nazi helmet with full-blown swastika on it before.]
"I only drink in the afternoon. Or before a game. Or when Johnny's away." "Me too."
"Let's go someplace. Know 'The Aces?'"
"Yeah, well, normal is fucked."
"Mainly it's because I think you're a champ. But you gotta stop killing yourself."
"Ah, I tried to capture the spirit of the thing."
"I tried to capture the spirit of the thing."
"That is a very deep cut."
"You look a thousand years old."
"You know, we gotta get divorced one of these days."
"Sucks! It ain't mean enough! Get some blood in there. Show somebody getting hurt; a groin injury! Put the fucking map of Florida in the background. Put some tits in there! A 'For Sale' sign on the bottom!"
"Remember I went up to your room afterwards and you were dressed in chick's clothes? Yeah, you had on this black bra with tassles. You were dancing in front of a mirror with kinda zebra-skin jock strap. remember how I screamed at you when you started coming on to me and I just said , 'Jesus, Joe, stop it, I'm ashamed of you!'" I wanted to tell ya, I forgot the whole thing. Years have passed and now I'm sexually liberated. I don't care who's a fag no more. I mean, who cares? It's natural. It's all around us. Who's the owner, Joe?"
"I am placing a personal bounty on the head of Tim McCracken. He's the coach and chief punk on that Syracuse team. A hundred bucks of my own money for the first of my own men who really nails that creep."
"Hey, Lilly, we're gonna have a ball. Except for right now, I gotta take a nap."
"Run the siren. Run the goddamn siren! I'm paying for it; let the people know it's gonna be a goddamn bloodbath."
"Don't ever play 'Lady of Spain' again!"
"Dunlop, you suck cock." "All I can get."
"McCracken, also known as Dr Hook...."
"Somebody's gonna kill ya, you dumb son of a bitch, but it isn't gonna be me."
"I just scored a goal, you fucking has-been."
"We win because I make them crazy!"
"Ned, tell me, why would someone with your family background and education still be playing hockey?"
"I may be bald, but I'm no chickenshit!"
"If you did your cheekbones better... you could look like Cher. Eh?"
"Hiya, I'm Reg Dunlop, I came to see your husband."
"I own the Chiefs."
"We been doin' real good. How's the sale goin?'"
"Dickie Dunn. Well, you certainly got his number."
"My accountant tells me I'm better off folding the team, taking the tax loss."
"I've never let the children watch a hockey game. I have a theory that children immitate what they see on a tv screen. If they see violence, they'll become violent. If they see someone stick up a bank, they'll stick up a bank. Heroin. You name it."
"You know, your son looks like a fag to me. You better get married again cause he's gonna end up with someone's cock in his mouth faster than you can say Jack Robinson."
"Jesus Christ, what a fucking nightmare."
"I'll tell you one thing: we're gonna win that fucking championship tonight."
"Old Time hockey, like when I git started, y'know? Toe Blake, Dit Clapper, Eddie Shore. Those guys were the greats. I don't know to say. Christ, it's up to you."
"Coach, our line starts?"
"Oh good heavens. Ladies and gentlemen, I've been handed the Syracuse lineup...."
"Tim 'Dr Hook' McCracken"
"Ross 'Mad Dog' Madison, who, as you well know, never travels anywhere without his longtime friend and attorney, Sam 'Small Print' Lyman."
"Clarence 'Screaming Buffalo' Scrubtown."
"This young man has had a very trying rookie season, what with the litigation, the notoriety, his subsequent deportation to Canada and that country's refusal to accept him, well I guess that's more than most 21-year-old could hanle. Ogie Ogilthorpe!"
"Hiya Ogie. Buy ya a soda after the game."
"Who wants ice packs here?"
"Mother of god."
"Eddie Shore?"
"Piss on Eddie Shore! Boys, every scout in the NHL is out there with contracts in their pocket! And their looking for talent! For winners! Oh! All my years of publicity! All the fashion shows and radio plugs for nothing! They come here tonight to scout the Chiefs! The toughest team in the Federal League! Not this.... Bunch of... pussies."
"Everybody is screaming, 'Kill, kill, kill!' This is hockey!"
"And Ned Braden is skating out to the center of ice... he's not figfhting, no... he's... starting to take off articles of his uniform...."
"Alright, ya dummy, you won the game, c'mon, come pick up your trophy. Here ya go, ya bum."
"I got good news. The Minnesota Nighthawks; I'm coaching! I got a contract. The Chiefs are history, but as soon as I get up there, I'll bring in my guys!"
"Is she coming to Minnesota?" "Oh, for sure."
Fin.
Oh, and by the way, Newman could skate, too.
R.I.P. Reg Dunlop.