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Meeting The Psychiatrist: Blues One Act Theater

Andy Murray enters the locker room and makes an announcement...

Andy_murray_willem_dafoe_medium Gentlemen, as our home stand hasn't exactly gotten off to a stupendous beginning, we've decided to bring in a sports psychology expert to talk to everyone about our struggles. He'll be meeting with you individually. First up, Patrik Berglund.

Berglund_medium Yesssss.

Oshie_medium Psst. Yo, IceBerg.

Berglund_medium Ja, Frosted Tips?

Oshie_mediumIt's not a good thing.

Berglund_mediumOh, ja. Ja, I gots it, Teej. Oh nooooo.


Berglund_mediumYou wanted to see me, Doctor Expert?

Psychiatrist_medium Sure, sure, come on in. But please, just call me 'doctor'. And what can I call you?

Berglund_mediumDa TechnoViking!

Psychiatrist_mediumOoooh-kay, TechnoViking...

Berglund_medium(Makes air-guitar motions)

Psychiatrist_medium...what would you say is your biggest problem this year?

Berglund_medium (whispering) Da yelling, doctor. All da yelling.


Psychiatrist_mediumAnd you don't like being yelled at, I take it?

Berglund_mediumOh no. Who does like the yelling? YA YA YA! NO NO NO! POO POO POO! BLAH BLAH BLAH!

I do nots like the yelling.

Psychiatrist_mediumHave you ever tried thinking that maybe the coach yells at you because he wants you to be better, to have a better career? A coach is like a father in many ways. He wants you to succeed, and sometimes that requires yelling to make his point. Did your father ever yell at you?

Berglund_mediumWaits? Yelling is like Pa-Pa? Pa-Pa yelled for love? And coach yells for fathering? And for loving? Coach and Pa-Pa are loving with yells? TechnoViking can't...(sob)... TechnoViking feeling... (cracks)... for loves of coach and Pa-Pa?

I...I... Doctor, I thinking I loves you like coach and Pa-Pa loving me now! I mean I AM YELLINGS AT YOU DOCTOR TO TELLS YOU I LOVE YOU LIKE PA-PA AND COACH LOVE! I LOVE YOU, DOCTOR! LOVE LOVE LOVE!

Psychiatrist_mediumOkay, okay, that's good...ish. Calm down TechnoViking. Here take a tissue. I think we've made some good progress today, but I need to see some other people. Can you send in the next man for me?


Psychiatrist_mediumNo! No, I...



Perron_medium Word iz dat you can make Coach stop yelling at us and make him love us. Iz dis true?

Brewer_medium Yeah! And what about the fans? Can you make the fans stop yelling at me, um, us too? Because not that it bothers me, but if that crazy IceBerg is right and you can make the yelling be love, I wouldn't mind some love...

Perron_mediumYes, dis love for yelling trade would be good for some of us.

Psychiatrist_mediumGuys, it's like I told Tears out there, the coach loves you all like a father loves his sons. He yells because he wants to get the best out of you. He wants you to succeed. He doesn't hate you or want you to fail, he wants everything that is best for you.

Perron_mediumOooohhhhhh, I see. You are full of zee shit. Zis is me going now. Bye!

Brewer_medium But, Doc, what about the fans? When they yell at me, err, us, is that because they love us too? They're like a bunch of fathers who want the best for me? They actually love me and want me to succeed?

Psychiatrist_mediumWell... no. Not exactly.

 Brewer_mediumThey hate me don't they?

Psychiatrist_mediumWell... yes. Exactly.

Brewer_mediumI see. I'm going to go now. Should I get someone else?

Psychiatrist_mediumYes, please. Oh, and Brewerbot?


Psychiatrist_mediumHow about you stop being in the picture every time they're pulling the puck out of our net?

Brewer_mediumWow. That is not very professional.

Psychiatrist_mediumNeither is being minus-10 in 15 games, Mister 4.5 Million. Now be a good robot and send in the next guy.

King_medium Uh, hi. You wanted to see me?

Psychiatrist_mediumYes, yes, young man. I just wanted to talk with you a bit. What do you think has been your biggest problem this year?

King_mediumUm, yeah, I've only got four seconds of ice time this season.

Psychiatrist_mediumFour seconds?

King_mediumFour. Seconds.

Psychiatrist_mediumHmm. Well maybe you can help your teammates and offer some insight into what is different from last year during their big run to the playoffs. How did you play differently during that time?

King_mediumDidn't. I missed the whole season with an injury. Only played one game that year too. Eight minutes, twenty seconds to be exact.

Psychiatrist_mediumYou've played less that eight and a half minutes in the last two seasons?

King_mediumYeah that's right.

Psychiatrist_mediumWhy are you even here then?



King_mediumDoc, I'm gonna have to ask you to pretend like we never spoke here today, okay?

Psychiatrist_mediumAre you going to hurt me?

King_mediumMaybe. I don't know. Yes.

Psychiatrist_mediumHow about we never spoke and you just send in the next man?

King_mediumDeal, suit.

Tkachuk_medium Hey, Head Shrinkah, the Neanderthal said you wanted to see me?

Psychiatrist_mediumYes, indeed. I hear that you're a veteran and a good presence in the locker room...

Tkachuk_mediumYeah, so?

Psychiatrist_medium...and I was hoping to get your opinion as to why the team seems to play so well on the road and why the team plays so poorly at home this year...

Tkachuk_mediumListen, Brainiac, it's a simple sahlootion, ya see. On the road the boys can get away and just be boys. There isn't any distractions like you have at home, no competing interests...

[ringtone: Sunglasses At Night]

Gahd. I gotta take this.

Yeah baby. Yeah... No.... I will....I.... yeah. No, I will..... I won't.... No. Yes.  Of course. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yes. Okay. Yes. I love you too. Yeah. Bye.

Sorry, I had to tell that bitch where to get off. Where were we?

Psychiatrist_mediumYou were discussing the lack of distractions on the road and how it was easier for the team to focus.

Tkachuk_mediumYeah. Yeah. Hey, I'm gonna go now. i gotta go pack for the next road trip.

Psychiatrist_mediumBut that's not until January 6th...

Tkachuk_mediumYeah that's right. I think we're done here, don't you, Doc?

Psychiatrist_mediumYes, I imagine we probably are.

Tkachuk_mediumSee yah about never, eh Doc? I'd hate to have to give the Neanderthal your numbah...

Psychiatrist_mediumMessage received. Good luck on your next road trip.