Now that we're less than a week away from the NHL trade deadline, general managers and team presidents are climbing out of their holes, rubbing the sleep out of their eyes and trying to provide hope to their fans while also preaching patience. That means there's a lot of double talk going on. Good thing we just got the GM Translator 2000EZ out of the repair shop!
Now if you're not familiar with how this cutting edge technology works, we take some words from an NHL team president or general manager, the machine analyzes it and spits out what the executive actually meant. I'm surprised the Department of Homeland Security still allows us to posess it.
Over at the Blues' Web site, they have some highlights of a conference call between reporters and Blues president John Davidson. Let's see what JD told reporters.
"We have three games left before (that) deadline. We have to take a real serious look at everything."
We put that sentence into the translator, it whirs and buzzes, there's a little puff of blue smoke accompanied by the faint smell of burnt microwave popcorn...and the machine spits out this translation of what John Davidson was really saying:
"Do I sound like I know what we're going to do? Hell no. We may just flip a coin."
It's just that simple! Let's feed it some more.
“We know the job ahead of us to get in (the playoffs)…it’s going to be very difficult. But we want to make sure we send a message to our players and fans that we want to make the playoffs.”
That's a fair statement. Davidson seems to be very up front and open...but what does the translator box thing say? Here's it's translation:
"No we haven't even talked about printing bills for playoff tickets, but I can't pull the life support on the season this week. I trade Tkachuk today and next month I'm staring at a couple thousand season ticket cancellations for next year. The message we have to send to the fans is, 'Please keep spending money on us while we wait for David Perron to finish puberty.'
Dang, machine. That was a little harsh. I can't wait to see what you spit out after this little gem.
“We have a lot of young, talented kids that belong to us or are already here, so we’re not as desperate as we have been in the past. We have a more open mind looking at this thing going into the deadline.”
Uh-oh. Davidson said they're not desperate. The machine just buzzed and a light started flashing. I knew we should have purchased the service plan even though it's a ripoff at most electronic stores. Unless of course you buy an open item. Here's what the translator thinks about Davidson's comment:
"Most of the players on our team are desperate to not get carded at the hotel bar on road trips. You think I've got a lot of options here? My list of upcoming free agents is Riverman Manny Legace, Dan 'Married Out Of His League' Hinote and NTC Tkachuk. I'm screwed. I couldn't even get a Jesse Boulerice in return this season if Tkachuk doesn't waive. Next Wednesday I'm going to maintain an open mind while I take a nap on the couch in my office. JD needs his sleep, man."
I love this machine. Let's see how JD wrapped up his conference call.
“We’re all on the same page right now, and if we decide to do something, we’ll do something that’s right for Keith and right for the Blues,” said Davidson. “If we decide not to, that just means we’re making the run for the playoffs.”
The machine just started leaking a blue liquid. I don't even know what that might be. It spit out one final translation and then I pulled the plug. Dear God, I hope it will work after it cools down. Here's what it said about Davidson's final comments.
"If Keith wants to be a dick and not waive like that asshole Mats Sundin last year, that's up to him. If we don't trade him, that probably means he's got nonrefundable tickets to Disney World in mid-April."
Like I said, I love this machine.