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The Hockey Prof: The Philosophical Implications of Hockey.

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If you've ever checked out the Philosophy section in a Barnes and Noble - and who hasn't, right? - you may have noticed a whole series of books with titles like "The Simpsons and Philosophy," or "Star Trek and Philosophy,"  or even "Bukkake and Philosophy."  (My Barnes & Noble may be slightly seedier than average.)  Now, one might see the title of such a book and say "Hey!  I like The Simpsons!  This should be interesting."  However, upon opening the book you discover it was written by a bunch of academic dillweeds who might know their Kant, but they know precious little else.

This is too bad because, as any real hockey fan could tell you, there are plenty of real life philosophical problems that hockey has already solved if professional philosophers could only expand their minds and take a look.  I've collected a small selection of these great advances in knowledge that hockey has given the world in hopes I can spark a new Renaissance.

The Problem of Evil

The question:  How could there be an all-loving, all-knowing, all-powerful God when the Detroit Red Wings are winning Stanley Cups?

The hockey answer:  There can't be.  As a result, God must either not exist, or, if he exists, he must hate us all very much.

Idealism vs. Realism

The question:  Is truth to be found in the real world of our sensations, or in a realm separate from reality.

The hockey answer:  As noted philosopher Brett Hull proved in the Stanley Cup finals, our senses mean nothing.  Our eyes may have "seen" Hull in the crease, but in the realm of ideals (far, far away from the reality we mistakenly think we inhabit) Hullie won the Cup fair and square.

The Nature of Humanity

The question: Is man naturally a social being?

The hockey answer:  Only for those wearing or rooting for the same uniform.  Fuck everyone else.

The Problem of Induction

The question:  Just because we haven't seen a particular example of something over an extended period of time, does that  mean it cannot exist?

The hockey answer:  I once saw Reed Low stickhandle by three players and beat the goalie with a quick wrist shot.  I also once saw Vitali Prokhorov score a hat trick. Induction must be bullshit.

As you can see, hockey has given the world much, if only the eggheads could be bothered to notice.  Watch this space for more astounding discoveries, including my exposition on the homo-erotic implications of octopus tossing.